Pound A Desk, Joel!

Amazon has a new feature that lets you confirm payment of an order by typing a pass-phrase rather than clicking on the "One Click" payment button.

Naturally, I tried to see if I could use a certain phrase for my account.


Dammit. So Amazon generated a series of acceptable or available phrases.


"Pounding Joel's Desk" is off but hilarious.


"Joel's Trousers" is almost as funny as "Peace Jethro"


I like "Striking Joel." A lot.


"Brown Exhaust!" We have a winner!


***UPDATE: I peeked again and found three more winners on the bottom row:


"O'Malley slaps." LOL

Yes, This is Somehow the Sixth Off-Brand T.P. Roundup.

Skyline Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Unnerving handwritten typeface
• Use of dark, dystopian city from "Blade Runner"
• Lack of color on label
Downside:
Treats the ass like a number.


Daisy Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Bold Red Label
• Tagline: "Feel the difference"
• Comes in "soft"
Downside:
As cheap and useless as Daisy from "Daisy of Love."


Mabel Clean and Soft 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Pleasing, contemporary Colors
• Unexplained "L" Monogram
• Use of preppie argyle pattern
Downside:
Feels like wiping with Kanye's sock.


Seventh Generation Bathroom Tissue/Papier Hygiénique (submitted by Larry K)


Notable Features:
• 80% Post-Consumer Recycled Paper, so you're wiping with someone's old table tent
• Bleached (like your you-know-what)
• Contains an actual blurb from the Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy (click on the photo if you don't fucking believe me)
Downside:
There's a reason a leaf is on the cover.


Livi Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Logo that resembles a leaf or a vagina
• FULL EMBOSS
• Fun to pronounce name
Downside:
Shows no mercy.


Unnamed Cloud-Wrapped T.P.


Notable Features:
• Shrouded in mystery
• Enigma wrapped in a riddle
• Reminds one of The Simpsons' opening credits
Downside:
There's no contact information in case you want to sue.


Greenleafe Reserve Bath Tissue


Notable Features:
• Extra "E" added for class
• Overuse of leaf imagery to really drive the concept home
• Is "reserve" for special occasions
Downside:
Blows.


Mor-Soft MS500


Notable Features:
• Terrible grammar
• Apparently upgraded from "400"
• Sounds like the name of a Sony audio component
Downside:
Turns out 500 is how many of the thin sheets you'll need to use to get it all.


Marcal Sunrise



Notable Features:
• VIRTUALLY lint free
• Will leave your asshole 95% free of lintballs
• Contains only a trace amount of annoying gray lint
Downside:
MOTHERFUCK, SOMEBODY GRAB ME A LINTROLLER.


Smart Soft 500 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Modern typeface
• Clean label
• Soothing use of colors
Downside:
When they say "smart," they actually mean it hurts.


Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Label looks similar to the Wal-Mart logo
• Suspiciously downplays the word "soft"
• Promises an experience not unlike the Rapture
Downside:
Causes you to blaspheme like a motherfucker when using.


LRMGOBAO Tissue 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Confusing, unpronounceable name????
• Possibly an acronym???????
• Hey, maybe it's onomatopoeic? Like that's the sound you make when using it?????
• And why the globe? Is that a foreign name, then??????
• I really don't know. Very confused.
Downside:
I dunno. You got me, man. As they say in my home country, "LRMGOBAO."

To further add to the confusion, here is a video about LRMGOBAO made by some middle school drama class (????????????).

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Peel a Potato

Clean the potato. Hold the potato in your non-writing hand by its sides. Grip the knife handle in your writing hand, blade facing you. Curl your fingers around the handle, but not your thumb. Rest your thumb against the potato for stability. Pull the knife toward you slowly, skimming the potato skin layer off as you go. You must work carefully, maintaining complete control over the knife so as not to cut your other hand. Continue the process, rotating the vegetable to achieve the best angles for potato skin removal.

And speaking of skin removal, any of you ladies in your twenties who are spending money on chemical peels and exfoliants and whatnot, don't. I've driven quite a lot of rich girls going to senior prom who will look like leather wallets later in life. So I'm telling you, you'll regret it later in life. Just saying.

Curlz Close Call.

(pictured above, a font that looks like Curlz at first glance, but ain't.

5 bonus points for being in a shitty Popeyes.

10 bonus points for having shrimp that look like dicks.

15 bonus points for inadvertantly reading "This jambalaya is dumpin'."