Three Stupid Monday Morning Captchas

A South Park-inspired one from Matt S:


And this one when I tried to comment on Larry K's blog Missing Link:


Hey, update your blog, Larry! It's been seven months!

Another note: You'll notice on that last screenshot that there's a second tab with the now-defunct "They Said This" blog that Dan had built. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. Goddamn, I miss that blog.

Let's Throw Away The Leftover Fennel Bulb Bits That Vince's Uncle Roberto Left Into the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Matt S, a question about his partner Larry is answered:

EADJ Album Artwork Project Music Revealed

Album #1: "The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza"
Track: "Yippiekayay Motherfucker"


Larry: Well, I was right that the cover and band name were cute and the music wouldn’t be, but never expected thrash guitar. Ironically, the music gave me the exact same headache I used to get as a kid from drinking Kool-Aid.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: this hurts my ears. too much rumbling and gnashing of teeth. not what i was expecting from mr. kool aid.

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Album #2: Günther, "Pleasureman"
Track: "I Am Your Man"


Larry: I was pretty close here. I predicted that this douche was legit lame and not an act. I should have said, “Like Justin Timberlake with less talent, technology from 1982, and a disco baseline from 1972.”

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: Equal parts gutteral growl, speed metal, and the sound of poop hitting toilet water. Large dick-n-balls inflatables engulf the stage during their live shows.


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Album #3: Vinte!, "EP 2009"
Track: "Garota Photoshop"


Larry: Oooh, close(ish) again. Their sound (Musically tight alternative tunes, but unoriginal) is exactly what I expected the Tony Danza Tapdance Experience to sound like. I was off on the punk/rap fusion for sure. Still I did predict a foreign language. One point for me.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: again, what i expected. these guys can't get hard. like, ever.

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Album #4: Bionic Ghost Kids, "Poison Ivy"
Track: "Poison Ivy"


Larry: The track had pop/alt piano opening, then screeching anger metal, then at the :46 mark, it more or less became exactly what I expected. Over-produced electronic music. Though the chipmunk voice still confuses me.
Then the three styles flip back and forth. Still, I think I get some credit for predicting “they can’t make good music. I’ll say electronica with vocals mixed in.” That describes the bulk of the track.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: good piano playing at the beginning, poor everything else. the piano was probably the dog's doing. and why the chipmunks?

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Correction: Merauder is actually the name of the band, not God Is I.

Album #5: Merauder, "God Is I"
Track: "Hell Captive"


Larry: Okay, I think I got this one 100% right. Though this was probably the easiest call of the bunch.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: literally the same as tony danza. but it fits the art better, at least.

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Album #6: Scotty Vanity, "Eyeliner Is Spiffy"
Track: "I Like Your Hair"


Larry: You have got to be fucking kidding me. Predicting that this train wreck might be a prodigy or be in any way able to make good music was an all time wrong answer. By predicting he’d be a misunderstood musical talent, I insulted anyone and everyone who ever did have an ounce of talent. I officially apologize to Adam Lambert, musicians anywhere, anyone who ever whistled a tune in the shower, anyone who ever hummed a tune in an elevator, any passing train or car with an engine that roared even semi-rhythmically, and any dog, cat, whale or other animal who accidentally makes a partially melodious sound. Scotty doesn’t know!

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: boring. this one is actually the most right on to what i predicted.

EADJ Album Artwork Project, Round 2

Once again we have folks guess what musical acts sound like based on the album artwork. This time we asked three people: Larry K, Brynn, and Andrew.


Album #1: "The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza"


Larry: I’m guessing that, despite the name, there is no connection to either Tony Danza or tap dance. The wise-ass goofy name, distressed black background and retro-cool Kool Aid guy makes me think this is a band in the pop-punk-alternative mode. Like an early Green Day. I bet they’re an awesome band playing Goo Goo Dolls and Fu Fighters covers at a local bar, but their own stuff is considerably less appealing. Or they’re simply a band that just caters to poor, thirsty kids who like the taste of red food coloring.

Brynn: Cheesy 80s

Andrew: Self-important, like drawing feet on a potato, this stupid techno blitz of bleeps and bloops brings to mind awfulness, candy necklaces, and a guy taking a dump in a club bathroom. The dual ironic borrowed interest, in short, reeks.


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Album #2: Günther, "Pleasureman"


Larry: I was gonna say this is a goof as well. Like the picture is an inside joke and the music can’t be as lame as implied. But then I saw the umlaut in “gunther.” This might be legit. So I’ll say a cheesy euro douche who tries to sing sexy electronic pop and ballads. Like Justin Timberlake with less talent and technology from 1982.

Brynn: Dance/techno/eurotrash

Andrew: This isn’t really fair for me to review, as Mark Nikowlowski once sent out one of this dude’s songs in an attempt at humor on the company bullshit list. From the looks of it, it’s a dude banging a spoon on a triangle at varied speeds. Again, this one isn’t fair. I’m too close to it.


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Album #3: Vinte!, "EP 2009"


Larry: The usual not-so-great white kid punk rap fusion. Like the Beasties but just not. Except for some reason (perhaps the name “Vinte!”) I feel like they sing bilingually.

Brynn: 90's white Italian hip hop

Andrew: These guys sing about girls who have dumped them for not getting hard, then they go shred. Also, I love that Justin Long is on the bottom.



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Album #4: Bionic Ghost Kids, "Poison Ivy"


Larry: Wow. Not a clue. I’m guessing kids who can dance pretty well, and somehow managed to leverage that into an album despite the fact that they can’t make good music. I’ll say electronica with vocals mixed in. Or maybe an uncool, all-male Evanescence.

Brynn: beat boxing

Andrew: Fuse a drum machine and a-capella rants about society and you have this group. The guy in the mask doesn’t do anything but dance around mutely while shaking his fist and occasionally doing handstands. The dog was just borrowed for the photo shoot and plays no role in the overall group dynamic.


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Album #5: God Is I, "Merauder"


Larry: An homage to the classic 80’s death medal. Design a cool album cover and t-shirt (Megadeth, Anthrax, etc). THEN make music. I’ll say heavy metal...tightly played yet too loud/noisy to be good.

Brynn: Pop metal (according to Joanne)

Andrew: Equal parts gutteral growl, speed metal, and the sound of poop hitting toilet water. Large dick-n-balls inflatables engulf the stage during their live shows.


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Album #6: Scotty Vanity, "Eyeliner Is Spiffy"


Larry: Is “I was touched by daddy” a musical style? This kid’s a mess. But for some unknown reason, I’m guessing that he’s the most talented of this whole lot and has the best (most worthwhile) music. He probably has a sound that works, and some instrumental skills (possible even a terrific piano/keyboard player?)...but lacks the big voice. He wishes he was Adam Lambert, but instead he’s just a solid, yet unspectacular prodigy turned wannabe.

Brynn: wanna be boy george

Andrew: What that “leave Britney alone” meme would sound if set to music. It sounds like he plays the piano with his ass. Come to think of it, he probably does. Hoarse voice due to chain smoking and constant cackle noises.


(EADJ will post MP3s of the featured musical acts tomorrow, along with our esteemed panel's reaction to said music.)

A Non-Mystery Solved

Matt S and Larry K told me the other day about a breakfast incident at Old Bridge Deli: Matt ordered a sausage biscuit with cheese and was refused. He said they refused on grounds that they won't put sausage with cheese for some reason. They also pointed out that the Deli was under new management, so that might be a new bizarre policy.


My first thought was, maybe the new managers are trying to be like, kosher. Mixtures of milk and meat are prohibited according to Jewish Law, based on a verse (Exodus 34:26) in the Old Testament.

Talmudic rabbis believed that the Biblical text only forbade eating a mixture of milk and meat, but because the Biblical regulation is triplicated they imposed three distinct regulations to represent it:

* not cooking meat and milk together (regardless of whether the result was eaten)
* not eating milk and meat together (regardless of whether it was cooked together)
* not benefiting from the mixture in any other way

This theory, with regards to the Old Bridge Deli, was quickly exploded by Matt:
"Sausage, duh."

So Matt & Larry encouraged me to investigate the matter myself. Which I did this morning. And oddly enough, I got sausage, egg and cheese on a croissant without a hitch.




It is currently unknown whether they were discriminating against Matt for some reason, but stay with EADJ News for the latest on this developing story. Also, we will be watching closely whether this new management will pay their city taxes or experience electrical problems.

Yes, This is Somehow the Sixth Off-Brand T.P. Roundup.

Skyline Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Unnerving handwritten typeface
• Use of dark, dystopian city from "Blade Runner"
• Lack of color on label
Downside:
Treats the ass like a number.


Daisy Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Bold Red Label
• Tagline: "Feel the difference"
• Comes in "soft"
Downside:
As cheap and useless as Daisy from "Daisy of Love."


Mabel Clean and Soft 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Pleasing, contemporary Colors
• Unexplained "L" Monogram
• Use of preppie argyle pattern
Downside:
Feels like wiping with Kanye's sock.


Seventh Generation Bathroom Tissue/Papier Hygiénique (submitted by Larry K)


Notable Features:
• 80% Post-Consumer Recycled Paper, so you're wiping with someone's old table tent
• Bleached (like your you-know-what)
• Contains an actual blurb from the Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy (click on the photo if you don't fucking believe me)
Downside:
There's a reason a leaf is on the cover.


Livi Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Logo that resembles a leaf or a vagina
• FULL EMBOSS
• Fun to pronounce name
Downside:
Shows no mercy.


Unnamed Cloud-Wrapped T.P.


Notable Features:
• Shrouded in mystery
• Enigma wrapped in a riddle
• Reminds one of The Simpsons' opening credits
Downside:
There's no contact information in case you want to sue.


Greenleafe Reserve Bath Tissue


Notable Features:
• Extra "E" added for class
• Overuse of leaf imagery to really drive the concept home
• Is "reserve" for special occasions
Downside:
Blows.


Mor-Soft MS500


Notable Features:
• Terrible grammar
• Apparently upgraded from "400"
• Sounds like the name of a Sony audio component
Downside:
Turns out 500 is how many of the thin sheets you'll need to use to get it all.


Marcal Sunrise



Notable Features:
• VIRTUALLY lint free
• Will leave your asshole 95% free of lintballs
• Contains only a trace amount of annoying gray lint
Downside:
MOTHERFUCK, SOMEBODY GRAB ME A LINTROLLER.


Smart Soft 500 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Modern typeface
• Clean label
• Soothing use of colors
Downside:
When they say "smart," they actually mean it hurts.


Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue


Notable Features:
• Label looks similar to the Wal-Mart logo
• Suspiciously downplays the word "soft"
• Promises an experience not unlike the Rapture
Downside:
Causes you to blaspheme like a motherfucker when using.


LRMGOBAO Tissue 2-Ply Sheets


Notable Features:
• Confusing, unpronounceable name????
• Possibly an acronym???????
• Hey, maybe it's onomatopoeic? Like that's the sound you make when using it?????
• And why the globe? Is that a foreign name, then??????
• I really don't know. Very confused.
Downside:
I dunno. You got me, man. As they say in my home country, "LRMGOBAO."

To further add to the confusion, here is a video about LRMGOBAO made by some middle school drama class (????????????).

Project Fountain: Recap, Postmortem, and Next Steps

Since our last Project Fountain entry on December 15, there hasn't been any activity at the Old Bridge Deli dining area, either from a hiding-toys-in-the-fountain standpoint or a reason-to-eat-there-to-see-if-anyone-noticed standpoint. The sudden removal of ALL the toys on December 10 (from now on known as "The Great Purge") left little to rebuild on, a veritable scorched earth policy that has left the region barren for half a year. Fortunately, some donations for future placement by Larry K and Matt S could revitalize this project. Enough time has also passed for the management of the Old Bridge Deli to have forgotten about last year's invasion, so EADJ looks forward to reporting any potential new developments in Project Fountain. But if Old Bridge Deli employees are somehow reading this blog, no, we are just talking abstractly and are NOT planning anything. Hey, look over there!

Go Go Go, Anti-Pun Force X!

"Hurry Red X, Blue X, and Green X, we waste no time to go!"
"Roger that, Black X! Must hurry to fight! ASSEMBLE TEAM!"
"ASSEMBLE TOGETHER!"
"ALL MEMBERS FIGHT PUNS GO NOW!"

(Anti-Pun Force X Theme Song)
They span the globe, Anti-Pun Force X!
They find the puns, Anti-Pun Force X!
They will rescue you, Anti-Pun Force X!
Until they won't stop, Anti-Pun Force X!


"Black X, Pink X here. I have identified a vintage LP record title!"
"Scanning... Stand down, Pink X. The pun is mild and not dangerous enough to pose a threat. Rejoin formation!"


"Gold X here. I have received three transmissions from a Larry K via cell phone camera. The three images are a little blurry, but I see pun activity underground!"




"Those are pretty awful, Gold X! It looks like part of some larger campaign of puns! Deploy underground anti-pun missile ordnance rockets!"
"Deploying!"
"Pink X here! I have detected my own transmission from a Beth Stone in the same city!"


"'Make her thorny?!' Why, the entire city is under siege! Prepare the robo-lasers and superthrust sensor mines! Scatter throughout the city and report back!"
"Ho!"
"Ho!"
"Ho!"


"There are so many ads, Black X! So many to resist! My thrusters are overheating, must eject from my mech before meltdown!"
"That is a negative, Mauve X! Stay on target and take each target down!"


"Backup systems are failing! Switching to manual override!"
"Do NOT abandon your posts!"


"Most of the city is under control now, Black X!"
"Good work, Periwinkle X! You and Burnt Umber X join me when you're done. I've got a special Internet mission for us!"
"On our way, sir!"


"'BarackBerry.' These Internet headline puns are terrible, sir!"
"That's right. It's because the writers think just because they don't make it in print, that they can disperse these terrible puns without consequence."
"LOOK OUT, SIR!"


"Holy sparklers, Periwinkle X. I dodged that terrible pun in the nick of time. My armor has been compromised. You and Burnt Umber X report back to base, I'll take care of this one myself..."

TO BE CONTINUED....?

(Anti-Pun Force X Theme Song)

That's One Tough Wrap.

Mental note: never buy Saran Wrap from a Dollar Store again.

Smecial Dreams Entry!

We aksed a few people what were their dreams lately (all photos were stolen from their Facebook pages):

"I've been dreaming like crazy this week, but having trouble remembering them. I remember on Wednesday I dreamt I was lying in bed and kept looking at my clock and no matter when I looked it said 5AM. I'd close my eyes and go back to sleep, only to wake up and see it was still 5AM. I knew it was over when my alarm actually went off and I woke up for real and it said 6AM."

-Larry K



"Nothing I can share that's rated for the www."

-Kelly M




"I had a dream last night that my friend Kegan and I traveled to Kansas City for some odd reason. We went and saw a movie, got out and saw that the Mariners/Royals game was still going on--it was in extra innings. So we went to the game and got to sit in the middle of left field--actually on the field--to watch the rest. I believe the game went eighteen innings. Then we went to bed and had to fly out the next day. Kegan missed his alarm and didn't move the car, somehow costing us $500 dollars in parking tickets. I woke without making it to the airport in time."

-Andrew

"I had a dream that I fell in love with the woman with 14 babies."

-Jeff D

Larry K Offers An Explanation Of Why The Old Bridge Deli Is Closed

Larry K writes: My sources tell me it's a conspiracy set in motion by the heads of the Five Families of Food in this neighborhood:

Pierre "Le Petite Fromage" Pretamanger, head of the European cartel.


Anthony "Split Pea" Tortolini, who fences counterfeit paninis through Café Metro.


Sophie "The Beef Steak" Empanada, the Brazilian heiress.


Johnny "Stinky Taint" Bistro, known burrito smuggler.


Don Francisco “Week Old Sushi” Delmonico


Apparently, when the owners of Old Bridge refused to cut them in on their incredibly profitable Rolly Wrap business, the families decided they needed to go. Rumor has it they enlisted local muscle from “The Spanish Omelet Gang,” employees of The Café O Brothers.

Of course, this is just what I heard. Could be they’re just deadbeats.