Spotted On A Neighbor's Roof

It looks like they're Run The Jewels fans.

One Cannot Think Well, Love Well and Sleep Well If One Has Not Pathmarked Well.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Your Timesheets For This Week

TO: ALL RECIPIENTS, BOSTON OFFICE

FROM: AUTOMATIC TIMESHEET MAILBOT

BEGINNING AUTOMATED MESSAGE:::

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WASSUP BITCHES

TIME TO FILL OUT YOUR TIMESHEETS BEFORE THE WEEK IS OVER. PLEASE REFER TO THE ENCLOSED .XLT FILE FOR THE RELEVANT JOB NUMBERS FOR WHATEVER ASSIGNMENT YOU'RE WORKING ON

FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN AUTOMATIC TERMINATION. J/K I GOT YOU FOR A SECOND THERE LOL. I BET I HAD YOU GOING, JAMIEL.

ANYWHO, HERE ARE YOUR JOB NUMBERS:

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53964: Making love out of nothing at all

93550: Stopping short of a full Presidential endorsement

61632: Reporting to the Better Business Bureau that the massage parlor didn't give you "full release"

39399: Tweeting your fucking lunch

09009: Instagramming your fucking lunch

29282: Facebooking your fucking lunch

22194: Finally eating your fucking lunch

07353: Tripping a little and walking it off like you were picking up the pace

22186: Creating an infographic of Kevin James' entire filmography

20459: Challenging Joyce to a M*A*S*H trivia contest

56100: Jerking off to that hot older woman on "Shark Tank"

86651: Really regretting making that taco joke to that Mexican guy in accounting

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

While filming "Fast and Furious 8," Luda gets in the wrong movie prop car and ends up back when "Incognegro" was his only released album.

Master P comeback plan: get TMZ's attention by misusing their name and bask in the free paparazzi promotion.

Three "urban" mannequins at JC Penney are SICK OF YOUR SHIT.

At least everyone in the lab is using eye protection.

DJ 40z and Hex are so anxious to get their scratch off lottery tickets, they showed up at the convenience mart 3 hours before they even open.

Drake regrets not grabbing the poncho on the coat rack. The poncho.

This is great. Not sure why they used an actual photograph for the Trump supporters, though.

"Please Jesus, don't let UPS lose my Zappos shipment again."

Oh, haven't you heard? Uncle Buck is black now.

The Sriracha Golem can't believe you just slapped him.

Perfect. Leave as is.

When three Revlon Colorsilk package models get together to form a girl group, you can bet it sounds like a cat with its paw stuck in a car door.

Note to Young Dro: Never, ever make an album cover that looks like a woman's contraceptive pills.

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of January 19

Here are the latest Twitter hashtags that are NOT trending:

#jenesuispasCharlie

#peasporridgefuck

#abortionselfie

#greygoose&quik

#santorum2016

#Frozenspeculum

#EmilyBluntslintrollercollection

#explainingthesewelts

#icameinyourkayak

#WoodyAllenswag

#averyspecial2BrokeGirls

#straplessdressweepingwound

#bringbackleno

#nipplesshapedlikeconnecticut

#srirachadouche

Old Joel and The Dick

Joel set out on his trawler early, the morning mist breaking along the front of his boat like cotton along a craggy knife. Once he reached the middle of the bay, Joel cut the motor and limped to the stern.

"Dick, where are you?" Joel muttered to himself as he took a puff from his pipe.

He lowered the anchor and looked out on the bay. Nothing but mist and the echoing sound of geese. He looked down at the stump that used to be his right leg and cursed.

"I'm going to get that big white dick someday," he growled. The boat stopped drifting once the anchor's rope grew taut. The sun had finally peeked out over the east, throwing harpoons of light through the mist and causing Joel to squint his one good eye.

Joel rolled the nets out, one by one, into the grey waters. For weeks now they'd come up with tuna, salmon and the occasional carp, but never with anything for him to eat. Joel was waiting for dick. The big white dick.

To read the rest of this harrowing tale of man versus dick, subscribe today to the Saturday Evening Post.

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Today EADJ will be trying something different. Let's open the latest issue of Mid Atlantic Fisherman and see what's keeping all those fishermen from being truly happy:


* Ric is four car payments behind as of last Thursday, and his gout is acting up again. Also, the Blockbuster near him is closing, and he doesn't want to spring for DirecTV.


* As a child, Ruta had been promised a trip to Disneyland many times, but she was never taken. It still pains her to see photos of Cinderella's castle.


* Rick has come to the conclusion that he will never understand women. The movie "Nights In Rodanthe" was confusing to him.


* Martin yearns for the day that he can look outside and not see his neighbor's children dealing drugs on the corner.


* Don keeps hearing how good that television "Glee" is, and he's actually recorded all of the episodes on his DVR, but he recently found out from his daughter that he's probably too old to appreciate it.


* Jim can't get over the guilt of strangling that Cracker Barrel waitress.


* Kip is still wondering why all his high school buddies keep avoiding him, and what he did so long ago that they won't forgive him for. He's too embarrassed to ask one of them what it was.


* Mitchell's sister moved without telling him or leaving any forwarding number.


* And Mitchell's sister owes him a lot of money for helping her through nursing school. He sticks his neck out for her, and this is the thanks he gets?

What Dave Levy Lev'd Behind, Parto Quatro

Introducing: Tara Humann– Account Supervisor, and pretty good actress.

Pewter Bear weighs in.

So, Pewter Bear, do you have any theories of why people have seen so many doubles of other people lately?


Man, it's a good thing my parents are in town, Pewter Bear. Cuz if not, I'd be breaking your despicable little legs right now. How is it you continue to EXIST?! God!!!