UAG

New Documentaries Available To Watch On The Documentaries Channel

If you like factual information served up with insultingly manipulative music and heavy-handed voiceovers, then you'll love the Documentary Channel! Here are the newest releases on the popular network:

• Are Raccoon Droppings Explosive?

• The Battle of Grenada: A 28-Part Breakdown of Every Military Advance

• Wool: Why That Shit Itches So Fucking Much

• Instagram Models: THOT or NOT?

• We Interview Your Uncle About How Hot He Thinks You Are

• Traffic Court: A Hellish Gulag of Unpaid Fines

•  Combinations of Words That Make White People Uncomfortable When They're Around Black People

• Millennials Playing With Jarts

• "What, You Think You're Better Than Me?" - The Michael Rapaport Story

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Announcing: 6 Lies Told, Rebooted

It's been a while since we trotted out the ol' 6 Lies Told segment, and now that it's 2017 (well, almost), EADJ is proud to unleash 6 LIES TOLD Rebooted, a new program that lets you earn double the 6 Lies Told points than the previous program, points you can redeem for fabulous 6LT merchandise at all participating Walgreens and Bagel Chalet locations.

Today we examine the 6 Lies Told by Aaron & Jessica's Amish Buggy Rides brochure.

1) Turns out Jessica's Buggy Rides is NOT Lancaster County's only ride operated by Amish, Brethren and Mennonites. Sampson and Doug E. Fresh's Buggy Rides is another ride in Lancaster County, and it is operated by Amish, Brethren, Mennonites, and the Get Fresh Crew.

2) If you ask Jessica's dad "How do you reformat an SD card?' he will pretend not to know, but then he'll suggest erasing your card in a disk utility hooked up to a universal card reader. Then he'll say something weird, like you should select “MS-DOS (FAT)” if the card is 32 GB or smaller, and if it’s a 64GB card, select “ExFAT."

3) Actually you may not take pictures- even if you ask. They're just saying that on the brochures to get you in there. Just you watch, boy.

4) Rachel is Jessica's sister by birth, but in practice she is Jessica's greatest nemesis, ready to pounce when she is at her weakest, just biding her time until she can strike mercilessly into Jessica's heart and vanquish her, thus proving to the world how unworthy an opponent Jessica always was.

5) Ronks Road doesn't run that way. It runs NORTHWEST. Jeez, who drew this dumb map? Somebody without GPS- I'll tell you that.

6) The Amish schools, shops, stores, stands, horse dealer, barber shop, buggy factory, hat shop, furniture shop and grocery store are all located inside the same 10x16 shed over by the pear tree.

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To commemorate 6 Lies Told Rebooted, 6 Lies Told has partnered with the Dow Corning Company to create a special "6 Lies Told" anti-absorbing polymer, manufactured specially for detecting lies told in space. NASA has called the polymer "impressive," while Neil Degrasse Tyson sported a vest made up entirely of the new polymer when debunking B.o.B.'s flat earth theories. The polymer can be bought in 80 gallon and 60 gallon drums, available only at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Perhaps A Chuck Berry Fan?

Pictured below, someone's paranoid that the flush sensor is also a TMZ camera.

Kreppuspilið Again!

Since the date is the 19th AND the moon tonight will be waning crescent, it's time for Joel to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið!

To keep his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak, Joel must be both prepared and flexible. Here at EADJ we offer a few strategies for tonight's exciting game:

• When rolling the Luck Bones, flick slightly with your wrist so that they have a chance to land on "milkshake." You don't want them to land on "pus" again.

• Hold your Kreppuspilið "Power" cards until four rounds in so that your chimp servant Chad Yarborough uses his up to collect all the magpies. Then, when he draws a card, throw down your hand and karate chop his groin!


This should help explain some of these strategies

• If the Domino's Pizza guy shows up while it's your turn, you may force him to take his shirt off and reenact the scene from "Ghost" with you. That's not in the rulebook or anything- just something to try. Insist on being Demi.

• Don't be obsessed with the scoreboard. The best Kreppuspilið players play on instinct, guts, balls, nerve, chutzpah, and a little something called mojo. Unless you're losing.


• Your chimp servant is wily. Don't get up to pee without taking the entire playing board with you into the pee shed. And while we're on the subject, pace yourself when drinking your Ting.

• Move your game piece carefully. The board favors those who are cautious, rewarding the best players with points and punishing the reckless with free tickets to movies starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds as two people who hate each other but pretend to be engaged in order to keep their jobs but end up falling in love anyway due to circumstances beyond their control.

• This probably doesn't mean to be said, but eat plenty of dick while playing. When you're undernourished, you tend to be dull and unfocused. Believe us, we've read some of your screenplays. ZING!

• Have fun, Joel!

The David Cook Problem, Live

The following is an emailed write-up from my Mom about the "American Idol" concert that she and my Dad attended on August 14. It is a quite lengthy read, so you might want to grab a cup of cocoa. Or not read.


On August 14, 2008, Cesar and I took the train to downtown DC anticipating a huge traffic jam. I promptly lost Cesar at the crowded station but I knew we would meet up at the Verizon Center eventually. I still had to collect my tickets from WILL CALL. .The line was already half a block long. I suddenly felt out of place because it looked like a queue for a Disneyworld ride. A man on his way to Chinatown with his family stopped to see what the commotion was all about. He did not want his little daughter to miss out on this event . The ticket master told him it was the concert for the 10 American Idol finalists .Unimpressed, the man continued his walk to Chinatown . It was 5:45 PM.
The tickets were ready20but Cesar was nowhere to be seen. He must have been swallowed by children dressed in autographed T shirts. They outnumbered the adults . Many of them were carrying placards expressing their love for David Archuleta.The teens and their parents crowded the booth for memorabilia - T shirts, magazines, programs , light sticks, key chains. The shirt with David Cook's likeness was going for $50 and so was David Archuleta's.
The queue started to enter the arena when Cesar finally showed up . He was angry, he said his train ticket had a crease that was rejected by the machine so he had to purchase a new one. He had missed Michael Phelps' swim for his 6th gold medal for this? Still , it was a miracle that he found me among the sea of Lilliputians.

To add to his anger, our seats were disappointingly far from the stage way across the whole length of the court .Good thing we brought individual binoculars.I had also packed a folding footstool in case the audience blocked my view.
No such problem here. I knew I could see over the teens even if they stood up , raised their placards or waved their light sticks. .
There was plenty of time for a quick snack At the concession stand , it was a shocker to see hot dog for $4 and beer for $7. Turkey sandwich cost more . I figured Cesar deserved a stiff drink ,after all that catastrophe with his ticket but I was not buying a $9 turkey sandwich. I chose 2 hot dogs and 2 cups of wine.
It proved to be the right combo because after finishing the snacks ,he forgot all about the train incident and concentrated on how expensive the wine was. I had time before the show so I ran out for the ladies' room where I was greeted by a dozen gleaming urinals lined up against the wall . A woman customer reassured me there were six stalls inside. Obviously , the management had anticipated that girl teenagers and their mothers would outnumber men that night and reserved that men's room for women too.
The arena was filled up by 7 PM and the concert started on time.
The top ten American idols performed 3 songs each ,starting with finalist number 10 Chekezie. Impressive voice. I could hear every syllable because of his strong vocals and great enunciation. .
Next came Filipina Ramielle Malubay, dressed in a glittering pantsuit and black boots giving her a slim long figure when she was really only 4 ft 10. Her voice was weaker than Chekezie’s but it improved when she belted out her third song .
Next came Michael Johns whose early elimination had shocked many fans . Simon Cowell had criticized Michael's lack of originality and Randy Jackson just did not like his choice of songs. Michael entered the stage through a hole on the floor . He sang "we will, we will rock you” with ear splitting accompaniment from the band. Many of the women in the audience sang along . This time I was glad we were seated many rows away from the amplifiers. The girls in front were standing up . I could read the captions on their T shirts. One said Team Cook , the second said Team Castro. The third girl also had Team Cook and their mother had Team Castro on her shirt. But it was not time for their idols yet.


Blonde Kristy Lee , dressed in all white jeans and blouse sang for her third song Lee Greenwood's patriotic God Bless America . The stage was ablaze with the American flag to emphasize patriotism . When she finished , Kristy rewarded the audience with two T shirts she threw to the court. She was soon followed by Irish Singer Carly Smithson who looked slimmer than she did on TV. She wore black tights and a halter blouse which revealed her arm tattoos. She sang in the voice Randy Jackson used to call "pitchy" . The crowd , a few already drunk on wine and wishing for relief, gave her a standing ovation before they rushed to the comfort rooms. Intermission found the crowd milling around the souvenirs and the nachos. I got Cesar an order of Pizza. The girls in front of us were not sleepy at all. There was too much excitement and it was fun waving the souvenir lighted sticks back and forth.
Cesar looked even angrier when he came back from intermission . He had to find a men’s room located half a block away. The second act started with dreadlocked Jason Castro singing " Somewhere Over the Rainbow "accompanying himself with a ukelele. The teens screamed in much higher decibels than the first half of the show.The girls with the Tshirts had their videocellphones capturing every movement Jason made. The kids loved him . They continued screaming through his third song "What a day for a Daydream" . Cesar sat dreaming of the Olympics that he was missing. His binoculars were not helping either because one lens was turning sideways . I was thinking astigmatism of the largavista but aloud I lent him my smaller pair of field glasses.
From the right side of the stage came Syeshia , dressed in all white miniskirt with a halter top=2 0and bare back. She swang her hips and danced in her ankle high silver boots. Just like her performances on TV- she flirted with the musicians, danced a few steps with them then belted her ballads in soaring notes , like listening to Patty Labelle . Syeshia caressed the microphone pole as she sang rhythm and blues. She got a well deserved standing ovation.
The Disneyland- age crowd began to shriek because David Archuleta was next. This 17 year old boy was the darling of the peanut gallery . He sang songs appropriate for broken hearted guys but in public he had admitted not yet having dates , he said he had been too busy singing and studying. His first song was "apologize". The girls knew every lyric and many sang along . The cellphone cameras were busy . This teenage sensation was dressed in a drab brown suit fit for an accountant and his songs were filled with angst. When he sang "Stand By Me" , he pointed to the moon then swept the crowd with his arm ." for as long as you Stand By Me" Sinc erely , he sounded very emotional . In the last stanza of the song, the tempo rose to a more rapid pattern and Archuleta surprised many when he danced .
His last song was again a love ballad to the audience " When you say you love me" . His banter was tinged with shyness as he thanked the people for coming out to support the American Idols. Then he introduced the next singer whom he called a truly amazing man .
He was referring to the 2008 American Idol David Cook who was preceded by sparks of giant smoky lights, flashing mirrors and artificial pyrotechnics with his name in capital letters ,followed by his now famous portrait. I dropped my notes, my pen, my purse to join the screaming crowd who was standing , all arms outstretched. Cesar was appalled by my behavior but behind me grown women who did not need footstools were screaming even louder . The women who were quiet during the first half and who were supposed to be chaperoning the screaming=2 0lilliputians were now behaving as badly at the sound of David Cook's song , "Hello" . He sang under the glare of the spotlight but he waved at the crowd as if he could see each fan. I had earlier made sure to dress in jeans and shirt, to blend in with the crowd and the rock and roll singers but David Cook appeared in a black executive suit as if applying for an undertaker's job. Hello, he sang , waving to his fans and knowing he had to explain his unusual outfit .He joked that he was dressed that way because he was running for president . SCREAM. Then he admitted he was going to Congress to raise awareness for Cancer Advocacy. He thanked the audience who voted him winner by a landslide ( of 12 million vote difference), because now he has a voice to speak for Cancer victims. SCREAM..The only concession to rock and roll was his necktie which was carelessly tied around his collar. He sang his second song with a guitar, all the while walking east and west to include the fans standing there. Behind me the women sang along with Cook . Someone threw a teddy bear center stage . On his way back from stage west, Cook , playing the guitar , bent down to pick up the teddy and parked it between his teeth so he could continue the guitar playing. LOUD SCREAM.
His third song “ There goes my Hero” was quite emotional because he had sung that in honor of his cancer stricken brother who was able to get out of the hospital and attend David’s Idol contest. For an encore, David sang his now famous version of Billie Jean. No one left the arena yet until the 10 idols reappeared for the finale. They sang and marched to “Please don’t stop the Music” which in itself was not remarkable except for one thing. For the past 7 weeks, Michael Johns and David Cook have cooked up a different dance each night . The fans have chronicled these brief dances with their cellphonecorders and have broadcast them in YOUTUBE. It must have started as a joke between these 2 Idol roommates . For about 12 seconds Michael and David would dance a different move in any given city - the robot dance, the ballet move, the watusi, or the Travolta moves, etc. This night the two jokesters mimed a matador and a bull . David was the bull charging towards Michael’s towel. It only lasted 10 seconds but for sure this would be played over and over again by their ever growing fleet of fans. It beats flying to Beijing to watch Michael Phelps win another gold. Ho Hum.