More Fake Taglines For A Real (Terrible) Movie

Here Are Your Job Numbers For May 14, 2018

Hello all. Grace from HR here. 

The original intent of this email is to notify you all of the new job numbers (see below) that you're supposed to fill out by end of day today so that we can process our billing and we can all get paid.

But the second thing I'd like to discuss with you is the improper language that I've been hearing around the break room and kitchen area. I would urge everyone to stop using the terms "tittyfucking", "dickslapping", "cum dumpster", "blumpkin", "meatspin", "faggotry", "blue waffle", "tubgirl", "queef", "smegma", "sharting", and "no lube ass raping". Also, whoever is posting fake flyers about employee training that direct you to goatse.cx, please stop it.

Here are the job numbers for you animals:

83552: Asking for help with a CapriSun

59925: Getting a case of the giggles

19473: Stinking to high heaven

25825: Asking you about your grandchildren

10023a: Pursing your lips

10023b: Lipping your purse

55725: Applying for a job at Circuit City or Toys Я Us

36332: NOT dropping it like it's hot

85018: Staying friends after the breakup

79123: Renewing your hand modeling contract

60628: Googling how to spell "Matthew McConaughey" YET AGAIN

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 25: "Romance At Reindeer Lodge" Starring Nicky Whelan and Josh Kelly

The idea behind this one is that if you force two unwilling but compatible people together in a Christmas setting, they'll inevitably fall in love. It's supposed to by cute and romantic but actually sounds more like a method for breeding cattle. And with Molly accidentally dropped in the situation and powerless to escape, it's got darker tones of cult recruiting techniques. Happy Holidays!

Plot summary: "A group of adults from different parts of the country have sworn off partaking in holiday events. Two of those people are Molly and Jared. Upon arriving at their destination, they discover it’s a Christmas themed ranch. With no flight out until after Christmas, the group ends up staying. The Christmas activities eventually melt everyone’s cynical hearts and Molly and Jared’s love blossoms."

Wait. What adult would read the name "REINDEER LODGE" and not think it's a Christmas-themed ranch, whatever the fuck that is? Some people need to read the fine print. Or the bold print. Or need to read, period. Goddam illiterates.

Romance Factor: 5 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 200 out of 10

Overall Rating: 102.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 1:22:57

Okay, that's the last one. 25 days of Hallmark movies is over, thank Jesus. I briefly considered just finishing off the month with 6 more, but shit, I've squandered enough of my life for this already. Fuck you, readers.

More Taglines For "Shark Exorcist." "Sharxorcist?"

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Arny Free Tag

Picture below: Some poor vandal can't get any love because Banksy is in town.