The ProofrEADJer, Early January Edition

Merry 20th Christmas From Eat A Dick Joel!

This Christmas morning marks 20 years of needlessly blogging about bullshit nobody cares about, hosted graciously for free by Blogger.

To commemorate this momentous occasion, we did the 2026 thing and used A.I. to create a holiday-themed background for our figure. It served up 3 options and we liked all of them:

Merry Christmas, readers (or reader)! Who are you, anyway?

A Late Entry Into "Did They Christmas Bang?"

On Monday, we played a game of "Did They Christmas Bang?", where we guess if the couples featured on Hallmark Christmas movie posters actually did the dirty deed or not, purely based on their body language and expressions. Here is an entry that I forgot to include:

Yes.

Judging by her expression, she's glad it happened and can't wait to tell her friends. But by his expression, he feels like he's out of her league for some reason and wouldn't deign to sleep with someone so basic.

But he did.

So suck it up, douche. You bumped Vermont uglies (and possibly big Vermont foreheads) with her.

It's Time To Play "Did They Christmas Bang?"

Welcome to EADJ's first annual round of "Did They Christmas Bang?" where we guess if the lead actors of a Christmas Hallmark movie either banged or not based on their appearance on the movie poster. Let's begin!

Yes.

No.

Probably not. {The man and the older woman, you pervert!)

Probably not, seeing how they all seem like family. Ew.

Yes. Dude banged both of them, possibly in front of the fireplace.

Oh fuuuuuck yes. And she pegged him with that whisk.

Nah.

No. She's gay. They married to hide it.

No. She could do better than the concierge at Hyatt.

These two rutted like rabbits with their Timbos still on.

No.

No.

No.

Yes, maybe. Lots of power play here. But yeah, it probably happened.

No.

Speed round: Yes/Yes; No; No.

"Whoa!"

I somehow came across this Hallmark movie: Socked In For Christmas, starring Joey Lawrence:

What the hell is "socked in"? Is that a stocking pun? Is it something I should look up in Urban Dictionary (answer: NO)? I had to look it up:

Oh, okay. I also found out the producers of the movie gave it an alternate title for slow people unfamiliar with WWII lingo like me:

Snow-In makes a little more sense, although it still sounds like a telethon. IMDb says it stars and was written by someone named Melina Alves. I don't know who that is, so I googled it, and THIS came up:

WHOA! INDEED

Lawsuits Incoming

Spotted on Facebook, some bizarre AI-generated ads for Christmas ornaments that are concerning for several reasons:

a) The flagrant copyright violations

b) the obsession with butts

c) the fact that boomers will absolutely send money for this scam

Merry Christmas From EADJ

From all of us at Eat A Dick Noel Joel, we'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

More unwrapping presents

More inviting peasants

More stuffing pheasants

More commuting sentences

More miking pences

More mending fences

More passed tenses

More zooming lenses

The Internet Is a Very Stupid Place

A meme spotted somewhere in social media:

A few things:

• A baby's skin in contact with glue is not a good idea. At all.

• A baby's skin in contact with glitter is also a terrible idea.

• If you DID do that and put their hand or foot imprint on a Christmas ornament, I can guarantee you it would NOT look like that.

• This meme is total bullshit and whoever made it has never seen a baby or a footprint in real life.

Merry Christmas 2023 from EADJ!

Another year. Another holiday season is upon us. 

Peace on earth, goodwill to men.

God bless us, every blog!

Slow Down, Lacey Chabert

I happened to Google "Lacey Chabert" and "Christmas" to see how many Hallmark Christmas movies she's in, and holy shit, I had no idea she was in at least TWELVE.

Jesus, Lacey, slow your roll. Leave some of the Christmas movies for other...

... What the hell? There's more?! How can you...

...OKAY, OKAY! You win, Lacey Chabert! You're the new Queen of Christmas. JEEZ.

Merry Christmas From EADJ

Happy Holidays! Eat a Dick Joel would like to wish you, your family, and your side piece a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa. It's time to stop worrying about what your co-worker said about your job performance or about what that guy on the highway said about your driving or about what the lady at the grocery store meant about you being a "pervert" and just enjoy this special time with your loved ones. Jeez, some people.

Merry Christmas 2020 From EADJ

From all of us at Eat A Dick Joel- from the editorial staff, the fact checkers, the proofrEADJers, the photographers, the science desk, the illustrators and cartoonists, the local correspondents, the city hall desk, the publishers, printers, paper suppliers, distributors, paper boys and classified desk- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We appreciate you for somehow continuing to read this publication.

Merry Christmas From Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ thank you for continuing to read us for whatever reason and send you the brightest and warmest Christmas greetings.

Don't get too drunk.

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 25: "Christmas Around The Corner"

Some Hallmark movies are less movies than they are fantasy checklists. This one fulfilled the fantasies of:

☑ spending Christmas in a small town

☑ dating a rugged, emotionally distant man

☑ running a small business without the financial pressure of failing

☑ getting to decorate shit without having to take it down later

☑ being associated with books without having to read

☑ bossing people around

☑ being hailed as some goddamn hero for saving Christmas

And there are two country/city stereotypes at play here: the snobby, rude urbanite who's out of touch with people's feelings and likes to boss them around; and the pleasant but slow-witted small town bumpkins who need a savior to whip their shit into shape. And somehow they all magically become friends and toast egg nog to each other's health.

The last two movies we reviewed were pretty darn enjoyable, and I was starting to get worried that I'd end on a high note. But "Christmas Around The Corner" brought the overall average back down to reindeer turd-level. Whew!

Romance Factor: 3 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 8 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:24:26

Merry Christmas, everyone!