Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The History of 'Forever' Stamps

"Ah, that's known in the United States... uh, ah... Postal Service as 'non-denominated' postage... God... On March 26, 2007, the... *gag* postal service *gag* unveiled the first such stamp... ohhh, I... which went on sale April 12, 2007 for 41 cents... AAAGGGH... ugh...the so-called "Liberty Bell" stamp, which is marked 'USA FIRST-CLASS... AH AH AH... FOREVER'. These stamps are...oh, ah, no... always sold at the current first-class postage rate... *gasp* and the... FUCK... sale of them have been popular... ah... ah... uh... uh... uh... uh...ever since. *collapses in convulsions*

Let's Discuss The Long-Term Effects Of Fracking On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by John Reid (& family!) via snail mail, a belated but precious Christmas ornament for this year's tree:

I believe this makes this entry the first literal mail sack entry.

Claudia Wells Update

Earlier this week (no, not the TITMAN entry) we reported the painful, disappointing saga of the personalized Claudia Wells-signed Save The Clock Tower flyer prop replica from "Back To The Future." And it turns out since she signed it "I LOVE YOU JOEL" instead of "EAT A DICK JOEL," Joel himself wants it. Okay. Fine.

 

 

"Magic?" Here's a little backstory for the uninitiated: Back in 2011, EADJ had this ambitious segment where we bought a Criss Angel Magic Kit and mailed it to Joel so that he could learn the tricks and perform them on video for us. He did like, one and was never heard from again. So this was a last attempt to get some Joel to perform some kind of illusion other than making my $19 disappear (something VERY similar to what Claudia Wells did to my $14!!!!!!!!!).

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, you in the bright green spandex and the fanny pack– you can't roller skate in the post office. Can't you read the sign?"

"These aren't roller skates, man. They're way better; they're the coolest new invention."

"But you're skating around the floor of this post office like an asshole and scuffing up my floors. If that ain't roller skating, I don't know what is."

"Listen, man. These things are in-line skates, or 'roller blades.' See how all four wheels are in a row under my foot rather than like a skate? This allows me to travel a lot faster, plus they look cooool!"

"You look like a bobsled with legs. You look like a right asshole. And you're ruining my tile floor."

"Hey, it doesn't say on your front door 'NO ROLLER BLADES,' man, so I can do what I want!"

Hawthorne Village Collectibles Is Still Trying To Star Wars Me

Hot on the heels of yesterday's Star Wars train entry, I also received this marvelous direct mail piece hocking the Official Star Wars Galactic Village Collection, a set of three sculpted Star Wars scenes, complete with figurines.

(click to enlarge)


Yes, all the joy of having the action figures and toy vehicles without the detail or points of articulation but with all the breakability of porcelain. The Galactic Village Collection– a Hawthorne Village exclusive– can grace either the basement apartment at your Mom's house or the attic apartment at your Mom's house with its static, eroded-looking creations.


Hey, remember the incredible Imperial invasion of Hoth from "The Empire Strikes Back?" Well, imagine those enormous AT-ATs, but not moving at all and standing on what looks like a frosted cookie. And just look at the photoshopped sculpted detail on the figures themselves, who for some reason all looked pissed:




Since these motherfuckers are going for $59.99 EACH, I can only assume that this is targeted to rich geeks who have already collected everything and have some extra money lying around, collecting dust. So they would happily buy these porcelain sculptures to collect the dust instead.



There are three major reasons why this collection sucks:

1) Despite the spooky detail and lit interiors, these are still porcelain figures and porcelain "villages," so they're essentially the same thing as your grandmother's fragile porcelain Christmas Teddy Bear village.

2) $59.99 x 3 = $179.97?! I could spend that on medication I need or pogs.

3) Even if you've collected all three sculptures, and you've collected every action figure, every comic book, and every prop replica- and you've even read every Star Wars novel– you will never be able to catch the pure joy you had as a kid watching the original trilogy for the first time. Okay, maybe a little bit with the prop replicas.

UAG

Dear Mr. Dow

Mailwar: Returning Fire

On June 6, we covered a bizarre package sent to this editor from Mig Ponce– a pair of Laura Branigan pens. So naturally, we had to respond by logging onto LauraBraniganOnline.com and purchasing something for Mig. So we found that they sell "Classic Signature Logo" CD cases, a tribute to the days in the 80's when people owned something called "compact discs."

Hoping to skip the piddly tit-for-tat nature of these type of things, we ordered THREE of them for Mig.


And it's good to see that they arrived safely:

Mailwar: A First Shot is Fired

I got a strange package in the mail the other week. Since I order crap from ThinkGeek and Bloodshot Records occasionally, I didn't think of it.


But then I opened it. Did I order a watch?


Pens? I didn't...what the?!


Son of a bitch.

Description:
"This smooth-writing, retractable plastic pen features contemporary styling, with a metallic burgundy barrel accented by silver tip and clip top. The silver imprint features Laura's name and autograph, her official website, as well as the legacy phrase. An inexpensive pen for daily use, or to have on hand to pass out to friends or to pique someone's interest in Laura! Medium point, black ink."




I know exactly who sent this to me. MIG PONCE. Some of you who went to my bachelor party know of his legend. There are even quite a few people who know his name but are convinced that he doesn't even exist.


Well, this will NOT STAND. I must retaliate. Luckily, Mig left a RETURN ADDRESS! I will mail him something stupid very soon. I'll keep you posted as to whether the package will be Laura Branigan-related or not. I already have some ideas.

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 1

(cue irritating banjo music)

You'd be surprised how many lost or discarded business cards you find just lying around. These are all real people's addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses exposed out in the open, vulnerable to identity theft.

That's why we here at EADJ have developed the Project Hillbilly Teeth Project. It's a non-profit organization devoted to preemptively picking up all these lost business cards and building passes to foil identity thieves. We send a random, confusing letter to the business card owners, along with a free set of "Bubba" hillbilly teeth, just because we can. The following will show you how the Hillbilly Teeth Project works and makes a real difference in so many people's lives.


The first business card was found in a cab in Manhattan:



The second we found at a Jersey train station:



With our real estate broker, we decided to go with the apologetic "unfilled-order-with-compensation-hillbilly-teeth" approach:

(click to enlarge)

Our infectious diseases doctor offered us an opportunity for a more vocational approach. One that hinted at a job search of some kind. A North Carolina-based hospital seemed like an appropriate segue into the enclosed hillbilly teeth.

(click to enlarge)

A quick packing up, and we're reading to mail!




Since we wisely did not leave a return address of any kind, we realize that we'll never hear a 'thank you' from the people that we help. But, you know, that's not why we do it. We're doing it for the LOVE. For knowing that we've touched people's lives with hillbilly teeth. That they are just as confused as we imagine them to be.

And although this is purely speculative, here is a rendering of what I imagine Mr. M and Dr. C would look like trying on the "Bubba" hillbilly teeth:



And so ends phase 1 of Project Hillbilly Teeth. 2 down, dozens more to go.



(end irritating banjo music)

It's Time For "He Said, She Said, Mrs. Nakashima Said!"

Okay, here's how this new EADJ segment works. It's a lot like that new shitty NBC show "The Marriage Ref," but instead of scripted responses from celebrity judges, the verdict of who won an argument between two spouses is determined by the forged responses to a fictional Japanese woman whose photo I stole from a newspaper. Ready? Let's play!

The other month the Estoyes received this flyer from a local accountant:


The wife said she would never use that accountant because of his poor penmanship (see the scrawled address) and sloppy presentation.


The husband countered that this was proof of the CPA's frugality and even pointed out the "Christmas Card" postage that the accountant had repurposed to demonstrate his resourcefulness. The wife stated flatly that that was proof that the accountant was just SLACK.


And what does Mrs. Nakashima say on the matter?


"When a cherry blooms, the leaves often fall before their time. Accountant using Christmas stamp does show that he saves money. But United States Postal Service usually does not deliver a letter without the full address and should have returned it to the sender! Accountant risked wasting a First Class stamp just because he's too lazy or disorganized to fill out the full address. Also, a large mailing should have used the 'bulk mail' rate to really save the sender some money. Accountant gets points for mailing out so early before tax day, but his flyer is total crap. The wife wins this argument!"

(picks up a microphone)

♫ Strangers in the night...exchanging glances
Strangers in the night...what are the chances
We'd be sharing love...before the night was throuuuuuuugggghhhh...♫"


Motherfucker. Oh well. Mrs. Nakashima calls it like she sees it. FUCK!

AAA Flyer I Got In The Mail

(Click to enlarge)

A Point-By-Point Refutation of Some Star Wars Crap Junk Mail

Before we begin, it must be noted here that I am a HUGE Star Wars fan. So much so that I own a Stormtrooper suit and have the original trilogy on my iPod for instant viewing. But when I received this blatantly patronizing junk mail selling me an overpriced ceramic model of the Mos Eisley cantina the other week, and I felt more insulted the more I read it. Here is the direct mail piece:

(click to zoom)



And here is the accompanying letter:

(click to zoom)



The fine folks at Hawthorne Village saw fit to write me a double-sided letter about why I should sink $59.95 on a breakable dust catcher that has all the playability of your Grandma's candy dish. And that's not so far off, considering Hawthorne Village also hocks musical ceramic Christmas trees, breakable miniature trains and utterly smashable Precious Moments figurines. And not just one dust catcher, either. It's the first in a series of "Star Wars Galactic Village" ceramic scenes licensed by Lucasfilm Ltd™! But in order to extract $59.99 x 3 out of Star Wars fans, they had to really lay on the honey. It is here that I spit that honey back in their ceramic faces. Enjoy!










Tune in soon for my point-by-point refutation of the 2nd installment of this junk mail series. And if you're wondering: no, I didn't buy one. Yet. Shut up, man.