The Director of "10 Vagina Victories HD" Speaks Out

Hello all

After a successful premiere at the Doffson Film Festival in Doffson, Massachusetts and a respectable turn out at a screening on the Baylor University campus, I am proud to announce that my film "10 Vagina Victories HD" has finally found a distributor!

Those of you who have stayed at a hotel lately might have noticed that my film, part-documentary and part-restaging of 10 women's struggles with society and the individual, spirit-lifting victories that they achieved via their vaginas, has become an offering on Spectravision. Unfortunately, the good people of Spectravision didn't watch my excellent documentary and instead placed it in the "Adult Movie" section of the menu, based on the title alone.

So in order to watch Jakartan activist Yimini Salva pierce her proud labia in defiance of the male-dominated parliament of Jakarta, you're going to have to scroll past "Kinky Bangkok Wives" and "100% WhiteBootyClap."

Or the cinéma vérité re-creation of migrant farmer Doris Halford smuggling medicine to wounded Revolutionary War troops in her pubic hair shares the same marquee as "Gangbang My Mom!" (in standard def, no less!)

Let me assure my viewing public, I'm not bitter that all my hard work interviewing, filming, and researching has been relegated to the dickstroke section of one's hotel TV alongside "Threeway Meat Munch" and "Motorboatin Ur Mom." I'm just glad that my humble film gets to see the light of day.

Thank you.

("Threeway Meat Munch" was pretty good, by the way.)

Lobsterfest Keeps On Lobsterin'!

It's week fourteen of Red Lobster's exciting and delicious Lobsterfest lobster extravaganza celebration, and Red Lobster is offering great new ways for you to enjoy lobster during this limited time! Try these scrumptious new offerings:

• We hire movie actor Chris Evans to boil and prepare a perfect plate of steaming lobster for you. Although he'll never leave our kitchen to meet you, you'll delight in knowing that the lobster you're eating has been prepared by none other than The Human Torch from the most recent "Fantastic Four" movies! It's just one more way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We steal tiles from your Scrabble board game set at home and mix them in with some raw ground beef and glitter, then we dress up as a postal worker and feed your dog the ground beef/glitter mixture. Your dog eats it up, and when you get home, it takes a big dump on the living room floor, and the Scrabble tiles in its poop spell out "LOBSTERFEST." Now that's a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• Our entire restaurant gets filled to the ceiling with live lobsters. We make an arrangement with your employer to print out and drop your next paycheck into the middle of the restaurant. You have to strip naked and must wade through all the snapping, live lobsters to get your paycheck. As you make your desperate way through the lobster gauntlet, the lobsters continue to snap and pinch your nether region and genitalia, and you realize that the lobsters' snapping claws have grown from agonizing to somehow erotic. What a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• You get kidnapped and wake up in an abandoned warehouse. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We enroll in a pottery class with you. During the lessons, we chat about our personal lives and generally not pay attention, which irks you to no end. So when it's time for us to start "throwing" or "firing" a piece of nice pottery, we have no idea how to do it, and that makes you very angry. When you get really red, we hold a mirror up to your face, and you realize you look just like a lobster! We then dunk your head into a bucket of melted butter to top off the hilarity. It's another fantastic way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We go to a strip club wearing sweatpants so that the strippers can feel our erections. Then when they get creeped out, we loudly remind them that we paid them a fucking hundo and they best get to grindin'. Plus you get to eat some Maine lobster tail, steamed snow crab legs, garlic shrimp scampi or some bullshit. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

Okay.

Number one, I don't know why this pop-up appeared on my computer AT WORK, because I'm not surfing on any inappropriate websites or nothin. Not unless you count lemonparty.org or bluewaffle.net.

Number two, I'm no genitalia expert, but I'm pretty sure some of those aren't senior women.

Number three, WHAT THE FACK?!?!?!?!?!? AAAHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

UAG

Some Vicious Rumors About Joel That Must Be Quelled

• That he does not eat dick
• That this blog is all in good fun
• That Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarboro is in fact, a small person in a suit
• That Joel rushed Rod Stewart to the emergency room one night to get his stomach pumped
• That Joel rushed Richard Gere to the emergency room to get X-rays
• That most of Joel's earnings come from his African folk art store
• That Joel is not really Hispanic and his show "Mind of Joel" is extremely unfunny
• That Joel's famous "400 Techniques For Eating Dick" are actually 389 with 11 variations on #12
• That Joel is extremely angry with me for not lending him a really nice tray I got from Crate & Barrel because I knew he was going to use it to serve dick on
• That Joel eating the dick of a guy named Dick counts as 2

(pictured above, a recent shot from Pathmark, a bit we don't do anymore because the security guard woman threatened to kick me out if she saw me taking pictures in there again)