10 Burning Questions For the Interior Decorator of A Porn Movie

1) What the hell, did you rob a Spencer's Gifts?

2) No, seriously. Why does it look like a nouveau-riche dorm room?

3) Worse yet, is that possibly someone's house and they purposely decorated it like that?

4) Why would you pick bright, garish colors? Wouldn't that detract from all the engorged genitals?

5) Why is the couch pleather... never mind. I know the answer to that one.

6) The whole thing vaguely resembles a set from one of those Nickelodeon sitcoms, which is 1000% creepy. Was that the goal?

7) Does the Mondrian estate know about the knockoff paintings on the back wall?

8) Can I use your bathroom?

9) How can you tell when it's really the pizza delivery guy knocking?

10) To repeat question 1, WHAT THE HELL?

Yet More Available But God-Awful Porn Names

If you're an eager young actor or actress trying to get into porn, CONGRATULATIONS! You have a brief and unrewarding career ahead of you (the only industry briefer and less rewarding is advertising). But first, you're going to need a porn name. Here are a few we had lying around, but only because they're terrible. Knock yourself out:

Him

Schaden Freude
Dunning Kruger
Phil A. Mignon
Jacques Itch
Gazebo Pergola


Her

Val Holla
Shannon Nigans
Euthanasia Puppies
Crotchella 2019
Dawn Keykong
Chaka Holic

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 18: "Santa's Boots"

I'm going to spoil the "surprise" for you: this is a gender swapped retelling of "Cinderella," with the dude being a department store Santa who charms the daughter of the department store owner but then disappears, leaving only his Santa boots for her to track him down! Sounds fun? No? It wasn't!

Romance Factor: 7 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 7 out of 10

Overall Rating: 7 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 00:58:20

Dan Smith Will Teach You Guitar.

For about $50, Dan Smith will come to your house in New York and teach you guitar. Then after the hour is over, Dan Smith will wait until you ask him if he wants to join you for dinner. Then once dinner is over, Dan Smith will stare at you until you offer him some dessert and/or coffee. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after the last cup of coffee is poured, Dan Smith will stand with you on your balcony and wait for you to offer that he sleep on your futon for the night. Dan Smith will accept.

Then the next day, Dan Smith will have folded the sheets and blankets of the futon and will wait for you to awkwardly invite him to come to work with you. Dan Smith will accept.

Then at your job, Dan Smith will crowd in your cubicle (with his guitar) and watch you make sales calls and have lunch at your desk. You will offer half of your turkey club on a croissant to him. Dan Smith will accept.

Then after work, Dan Smith will put his guitar into the trunk of your car and ride with you to the gym, where he will watch you on the treadmill while he strums his guitar at another treadmill at a very slow speed setting. You will sweat. Dan Smith will not.

Then Dan Smith will get in the car with you after the gym, and before you have a chance to politely ask him to fuck off, he will have vanished into thin air, and you will suddenly realize that you know all the chords to "Black Magic Woman" by Santana.

See? That is how Dan Smith works.

24...32...8...Lobsterfest®... HUT! HUT!

Unlike other Lobsterfest® days at Red Lobster, this day is special. Why? Because today we offer more NEW fantastic ways for lobster to be served to you, whereas yesterday we offered only the old shit, which was a total rip-off. So enjoy these hot-off-the-grill lobster selections during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster and get your lobster-on like a howler monkey with a raging boner:

• A man in a trenchcoat accosts you in our parking lot. He demands to see your identification without offering any of his own. When you refuse, he runs away, never to be seen again. Only later when you watch "America's Most Wanted" do you realize that was your old friend Nelson from junior high who sat next to you in Social Studies who is now wanted for grand larceny. Oh, Nelson, whatever went wrong in your life to bring you to this point? Now that is a quick way to enjoy some lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We divide the restaurant into two groups: the "Sunni" and the "Shiite." The "Sunni" branch believes that the first four caliphs rightfully took place as the leaders of Muslims. "Shiites," in contrast, believe that only the heirs of the fourth caliph, Ali, are the legitimate successors. A healthy, spirited debate is encouraged between the two groups, all lovingly catered with generous portions of lobster. Another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster just happened right there. Did you catch it?

• Cocksucking motherfucker bitch. Shit cunt cunt fucker cock bitch-ass balls turd cock cock cock. Tits fuck titfucker cocksucking bitch fucking shit shit shit shit shit shitter. Shitter fuckfuck. Fucker fuck balls cock. Ballcock fucker tits. Tits motherfucking shit fuck fucker fuck shit shitter shitter shitter shit shit shit cock fucker shit shit fart fuck fucker farter fucker. Now that's just another way to enjoy our lobster at Lobsterfest® exclusively at Red Lobster!

• We hire a team of mimes to act out the entire Lobsterfest® menu to you, which takes about 45 minutes. We don't allow you to interrupt the presentation, however, and start from the very beginning if you even raise a finger to ask us a question about the menu. Through repetition and silent reinforcement, your family slowly learns the lobster menu by heart and can start even communicating to each other without speaking. Also, lobster fritters. Now, how about that there for an offering of lobster at Lobsterfest at Red Lobster?

• You know those "Redbox" video rental vending machines that you see poor people standing in front of? That, but with delicious steamed lobster meat inside. Also, no poor people. Jesus would bless this offering of lobster at Red Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• A severely deformed man holding a wicker basket of lobster meat limps from table to table, "selling" lobster although everyone in the restaurant has already ordered their meals. People laugh nervously, not sure if the man is part of Lobsterfest® but also afraid to laugh too hard, so as not to look like they were making fun of the deformed man. Lobsterfest® lobster at Red Lobster? Yep!

• We overtake a quaint European village and slather the place with butter. The villagers' homes and farms are virtually wiped out, as families of villagers weep openly at the loss of their livelihoods. But when our servers walk out with heaping platters of scrumptious lobster meat, the younger villagers rejoice at the delicious meal before them. But the older villagers know better. That there is one huge new way that Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster is serving up the lobster goods!

• One of our regional managers- the one who had the lowest profit margins from Q3- walks into the middle of the restaurant, kneels, and apologizes profusely for bringing dishonor to his region. Patrons will gasp in horror as the disgraced manager whips out a pen and signs his own poor evaluation form. Ha! I bet you thought we were going to make him kill himself, right? See, that's where you underestimate enjoying lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• We bake lobsters into a gigantic muffin, which we roll down a hill. The muffin dents parked cars along the way and even kills a few trees. The big muffin slows to a halt, and out pops the cast of the movie "Sucker Punch:" Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Carla Gugino and Jamie Chung. They all take off their clothes and start sucking my dick. Holy shit, that would be awesome. Another fine way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

EADJ Song Hate, Third Edition

Today we hate "Smooth" by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas.

See? Just a mention of that song and you already have the damn thing playing in your head. That beginning drum beat, then that whinnying guitar. It's a prime example of something that's been drilled by so much repetition into your brain that it's probably part of your DNA now.


And like our previous entry, "Margaritaville," the song "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)" is not by any means a BAD song. It's written and sung very well. Never mind that it's Rob Thomas– I recently saw him goofing on the excellent FX series "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," and he seems like 97% less of a douche than I used to think him as. So it's a good song, performed amazingly by virtuoso Carlos Santana. Wikipedia says it won three Grammy Awards, including Record of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals. It spent a record-breaking ten consecutive weeks at the top of the VSpot Top 20 Countdown on VH1. A catchy, perfect piece of rock pop ushering in a beloved rock legend's stellar comeback.

But holy mother of shit. The radio took that 5 minute song and flooded the airwaves like an analogy that I'm too lazy to come up with. I mean, it's been relentless, nonstop playing in a neverending loop from 1999 to the PRESENT. Turn on any radio– that shit is playing RIGHT NOW.

Watch the video, which is probably playing on VH1 as we speak. All the way through. I dare you. I'll give you a dollar.



And not only is it still playing on the radio and on TV, for some godforsaken reason, people are DOWNLOADING that fucker on iTunes. WTF humanity?


So I'm not going to do the breakdown of the lyrics or any of that shit this time, because we have all heard it many times and we will for many times to come. None of us can ever avoid hearing "Smooth (ft. Rob Thomas)." We can only hope to endure it again and again and again. Put that bad boy up in the rafters, even though it will never be truly retired. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.

Let's Tell the EADJ Mail Sack That It's Never Going To College Even Though Its Grades Are Clearly Sufficient To Go To A Decent School!

Submitted by John Reid, a link to an item for sale on Buy.com:


Item Description: Butterscotch Pony is a life-sized plush pony that loves to be groomed and cared for. She has many features similar to that of a real pony, including moving eyes, ears and head, soft fur coat and a swishing tail. Through sensors, Butterscotch can feel when she is being groomed and will move her head toward you, and may whinny and snort. The more you touch her, the happier she becomes. Just like a real pony, Butterscotch loves carrots and can be "fed." Hold the pretend carrot to her face, and she will open her mouth for it, or shake her head "no" if she has had enough. Kids can even sit on Butterscotch and she will make walking sounds. Measures 39" tall. Requires 6 "D" batteries (not included). Adult assembly required. Holds up to 80 pounds.

"Comedy possibilities? Endless," John writes.

Some possible uses:
• Sneak Butterscotch into a petting zoo, beat it mercilessly in front of children
• Insert bacon into Butterscotch's anus, take to dog park
• Insert bacon into own anus, take to dog park
• Bring Butterscotch onto crowded subway, turn on, and scream "ALLAH IS GREAT!"
• Place Butterscotch under child's bed after showing them Poltergeist.
• Take Butterscotch to a cow pasture and see if they give a shit
• Try to ride Butterscotch through airport security
• Hire a stripper and insist she use Butterscotch in her act. Start crying when she does.
• Take Butterscotch to a faith healing church. Bring it to the front, and turn on when preacher touches it.
• Comb Butterscotch's pretty hair, and fuck.
• Put it in passenger seat, cruise on Sunset.
• Throw Butterscotch into one of the prisoner's cells in Guantanamo Bay. Never explain.
• Hold auditions where actors have to read opposite Butterscotch for a dramatic role on NBC series Friday Night Lights. Call them later to tell them they didn't get the part.

The link is here.

Joel's On a Tear!

And just when you thought Joel's dick-eating adventures had plateaued.

While standing in line for the new 3G iPhone– which is really odd seeing how there aren't lines anymore– Joel took the opportunity to eat the dicks of all the Mac employees, customers, and camera crew members out on the plaza at the Santa Monica Open Air Bullshit Promenade. Joel's rapid-fire technique allowed him to eat six times as much dick as the Apple Store could sell iPhones. Melanie Griffith even marveled at Joel while striding in to buy a "pink iPhone."

Unfortunately, in his haste, Joel accidentally ate someone's iPhone. The poor Apple customer had no chance to retrieve the expensive item, for Joel had already chased it down with eight more ding dongs. The guy will have to wait till sometime tomorrow morning to retrieve his new iPhone and make calls with it.

(pictured above, hopefully a mostly-online realtor in Brooklyn)

Shining A New Light

The National Council of Booklight Manufacturers convened in Los Palmas this week to announce the introduce their long-awaited Dicklight.

Joel, of course, was on hand for the press conference, as well as model/actress/tits Katie "Jordan" Price, Vida Guerra, Keeley Hazell, and Tera Patrick. Joel demonstrated how the Dicklight easily clips on a penis, making dick-eating in the dark easier and less awkward.

The Council opened the floor for questioning, and some snarky reporter from U.S. News Weekly News & World Report asked Joel if he might accidentally eat the light. Everyone had a good laugh, but then one of Tera Patrick's boobs fell out, and the whole room got awkward.

(pictured above, an intolerable ad directed at intolerable women)

Uh, A One-Two, One-Two.

Joel answered his front door today to find MC Serch and a camera crew out front.

The former 3rd Bass rapper and host of "The (White) Rapper Show" had inadvertently knocked on the wrong door, meaning to interview Joel's neighbor Juelz Santana.

The cameras were already rolling, so Serch had just asked Joel to drop a few freestyle rhymes. Fancying himself a pretty good MC, Joel started rapping, with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough beatboxing.

He had managed to rhyme "fresh" with "Tesh" and "night" with "aaiigght" before MC Serch told them to turn off the cameras. Everyone had left, but Joel was still in the flow of it all. Two of the cameramen patiently waited for him to finish so that he would eat their dicks.

(pictured above, an exciting new set of figurines that blame all their socioeconomic problems on Homies.)