The Joel Angel Project: Nonupdate

An anonymous EADJ reader left a comment on yesterday's post, wondering where a second magic trick from Joel will be posted, seeing how it's almost the end of the year, and the last time Joel posted a trick was on January 24.

Well, dear reader, your guess is as good as mine. Although we averted the Mayan end of the world, we are all nearing the deadline for the government's "fiscal cliff" discussions and EADJ's Joel Angel Project. Hopefully President Obama and the Congressional Republicans can come to the agreement that Joel needs to post another goddamned magic trick posthaste, since we're only days away from disaster.

After-Holiday Wrap Up Entry

Turn the volume up for this one.

Christmas Is a Time For Asking For Favors

My church sent me some mail the other week, and in it were 5 raffle tickets and letter asking me to sell them for $20 a pop.



My first thought was, Will they charge me $100 if I just chuck this away? They just stuck me with these tickets, and I have to figure out a way to unload these unsold tickets back to them; I just want to slip them in their mail slot. Now, it's a very nice church and all, but to send this chore to me and passive aggressively suggest I play bookie for their gambling racket is a bit forward. It's like an aunt writing you a letter "reminding" you that you promised to make a backdrop for her nativity scene, even though you HAVE NO RECOLLECTION of promising that.


MAN, I am cranky.

H2Dick

Last Tuesday afternoon, Joel went on a serious hike.

He wanted to take advantage of the nice weather and decided to finally hike the 7 mile trail at Topanga State Park, something he had been meaning to do since he'd moved there in '97.

He packed his own backpack, however, after a little falling out with his chimp servant, Chad Yarborough. They had a disagreement over whether the J. Crew catalogs should be stored in the ottoman or thrown against a tree in the backyard. So Joel being the amateur outdoorsman that he is, he packed more dick than water.

So you can just imagine 4 miles into the hike, Joel started getting really thirsty. He had already squeezed all of the moisture out of the dick he'd packed, and there were no streams or lakes nearby. Joel started to get really desperate.

He collapsed of dehydration at about the 6 mile mark. Rescue workers say that he had made a pillow out of the dick that he had left over (a rarity!) and had lay down to die.

Luckily, someone in the Topanga State Park parking lot had spotted him only steps from the First Aid station and gave him plenty of "G." That's what Gatorade apparently wants you to call it these days.

So Joel turned out fine, hungrily finishing off the dick pillow before jumping in his Rav-4 and heading home to threaten his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with his new switch.

(Pictured above, a bodybuilder's ass resembles the Necronomicon)

In My Country, There Is Problem.

Toucan Cleric's Fun's office is located near some diplomatic offices. Special parking along a couple of streets is designated only for diplomats' town cars, with their drivers patiently waiting all day to whisk them away at any time to a tapas restaurant or knockoff electronics store (wow, that was racist).


So that's all well and good, but it begs the question, if limo drivers have to wait around all day, where do they ever use the bathroom?

Simple:

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with a Sex Education Tip

With one hand holding onto the condom at the head of your penis, use your other hand to unroll the condom all the way to the base of the penis. Make sure it is rolled all the way down the shaft. If you're not using a pre-lubricated condom, you will probably want to add some water-based lubricant to the outside of the condom. Even if you are using a lubricated condom, using extra lubricant increases sensitivity and reduces the chance of a condom breaking.

And speaking of sex, yes, a lot of people have had sex in my town car while I was driving them. One of New York's current mayors, to name a few. Be safe, kids!

Analysis

A Late Smecial Dreams Entry

"So, I was dating Brian Urlacher... and he just had his neck/back surgery and we were making out in a pool. He said "Oh my neck hurts," and I say, "Oh poor baby," and we kind of made out. Then he started cheating on me, and never called me again. That blew."
-Jessica Foster

Let's Dip Part of the EADJ Mail Sack in Honey and Blow Lightly On It!

(pictured above, the FIRST SUBMISSION, photo or otherwise, from JOEL HIMSELF.)