They Rhyme

Spotted In A Duane Reade Store

On a package of 3-D Valentine's cards:

Hope, thy name is SATAN.

Old Joel and The Dick

Joel set out on his trawler early, the morning mist breaking along the front of his boat like cotton along a craggy knife. Once he reached the middle of the bay, Joel cut the motor and limped to the stern.

"Dick, where are you?" Joel muttered to himself as he took a puff from his pipe.

He lowered the anchor and looked out on the bay. Nothing but mist and the echoing sound of geese. He looked down at the stump that used to be his right leg and cursed.

"I'm going to get that big white dick someday," he growled. The boat stopped drifting once the anchor's rope grew taut. The sun had finally peeked out over the east, throwing harpoons of light through the mist and causing Joel to squint his one good eye.

Joel rolled the nets out, one by one, into the grey waters. For weeks now they'd come up with tuna, salmon and the occasional carp, but never with anything for him to eat. Joel was waiting for dick. The big white dick.

To read the rest of this harrowing tale of man versus dick, subscribe today to the Saturday Evening Post.

A Bit We Don't Do Anymore.

It's been a while since EADJ announced the end of doing Pathmark entries like this:


But it seems that other retail stores are getting in on the act. Like Ikea:




(roasted chicken?!)

and Target:



And I know that Pathmark has always been the leader of mis-shelved inventory, but it's going to have to relinquish its crown after this shelf I saw at Target:


I mean, there's so much shit on these shelves that I don't even know what the original display was supposed to look like. Spectacular. Target FTW.

Big sigh of relief.

Joel lucked out this week. Big time.

First, he lost over $15,000 to Michael Vick in Atlanta at some "dog competition." But when he went to his car to write a check, the police busted into the Vick mansion and arrested everyone. Score!

Joel then found himself the winner of a new Porsche 4-door Panamera for being the 100th caller at KROQ. The sleek, 18-foot long monstrosity boasts a V8 engine, CD player and cup holders!

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough was cleaning the crawlspace and uncovered an ancient Mayan artifact that makes time stop. So not only does the artifact give Joel free rein at the Perkin's Family Restaurant buffet, it also provided Joel with a great idea for his next terrible screenplay! But where's the love interest?

And it was pure dumb luck that kept Joel from eating the tainted dick left in his refrigerator crisper. It had been contaminated with some poon tang earlier in the week and could have caused some serious gastric events in Joel's delicate consitution. Lucky lucky!

(pictured above, some weird shit that Jessica cobbled together)