The EADJ Fashion Roundup: Spring Collection

Some families color-coordinatedly roll out of bed.

The guy's hairstyle is divided like a pie chart.

Camouflage hides the shame of Burger King.

God, grant me the patience not to reach over and adjust that man's collar for him, because it's driving me crazy.

Imagine working your entire life to come to America, only to be greeted by a bunch of citizens who dress like they don't give a shit.

My friend Michelle thought this guy's outfit made him look like Santa out of the corner of her eye. I agree.

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Mostly Food Edition

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week Of November 4

Feel free to cut and paste any of these unloved hashtags into your own unloved Twitter feed:

#AIDSrevivalist

#gangstamerlot

#ihatedGravitybecauseImtoodumbtounderstandit

#donttextwhileautoeroticasphyxiation

#organicartisanlocalfoodieshithead

#thisisntherpesright

#healthcare.govtattoo

#jennymccarthyissomuchhotterontheview

#myassisaUSBport

#¶

#callingwhitepeoplemassa

#masturbationasateambuildingexercise

UAG

In Case You Ever Wondered What I Do In My Spare Time

"Stop Me If I'm Going Too Fast For You..."

Pictured above, Barry creates an easy-to-understand chart on the latest workings of college athletic conferences.

Some Title Here

Easter is almost upon us, and I stumbled upon some really keen Easter stuff in the latest Oriental Trading catalog. Because I'm Oriental.


The catalog is filled with knick-knacks and doodads that help teachers introduce their Sunday School students to Easter, which is fine, until I got to the pageant costume section:


Now kids can play out the entire resurrection scene. You know, where Jesus comes out of the cave and says "hey." Then everyone is amazed except Thomas, who demands to feel Jesus' wounds before being convinced. Then Simon Peter gives Thomas an atomic wedgie, and Thomas starts crying and throws his Juicy Juice box at him.


Maybe it's just me, but there's something disingenuous and unsettling about a bunch of WASP-y kids dressing up as historical Middle Easterners in day-glo robes.


That kid looks like every bearded college guy walking into a party:

"Wassup, fools? Is the keg in the back?"

It's also nice to see that they make Joel's mandals in kid's sizes.

Chargers?!

A while ago I did an entry about shams, those decorative pillows that sit behind the real pillows that you're not supposed to use for some reason. So last week I learned about "chargers."

For you uninitiated, charger plates are the sham of the dinner table; they're oversized plates that sit under the real plates and are removed as soon as food is served. One website even said that "there are metal, card, papier maché, rattan and even leather charger plates."


I think it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: What the hell. Who needs a decorative, non-usable plate under your real plate? Are your real plates not nice enough? Why create another thing for a host to deal with on top of serving the food and entertaining the guests?

So many questions. Oh chargers, why do you exist?




Next week, we'll cover decorative pants you're not supposed to wear and decorative windows that you're not supposed to look out of.

New York City, The Most Exciting City In the World.

Pictured above, I present to you an abandoned, undersized Swiffer.

An Eco-pportunity

The rise of biofuels as an alternative to petroleum is changing the economic landscape, as well as creating new demand in areas heretofore overlooked. One major untapped market: Joel's ass.

It's been known for a while that Joel gobbles a sweet ton of dick. The sheer quantity of dick is already a viable source of energy. But imagine all that dick concentrated in Joel's bowels into one brick. That brick can power the next 40 Space Shuttle missions!


This would lead not only to America's independence from foreign oil but to a whole new way to power the planet. Joel would continue to eat dick, but we could harness that energy into an endless supply of energy for schools, water pumps, complicated cantilevers, and dick-powered blunderbusses! A new highly-concentrated measure of energy, the "Joelturd," (Jt), or "J-Brick," could be used to advance civilization!

And Joel could make like, a hundred bucks!

What Matt Thinks 4: Seed of Shorty

This time around, Matt passes judgment on a new release.



Matt added later: "She should have some discipline and stop recording music."

Not on the same page

A heated argument broke out between Joel and his chimp servant this morning.

It all began when the chimp served Joel his usual breakfast of a Western frittata with a side of dick. Joel pointed out that his side of dick wasn't as large or dicky as it usually is. The chimp servant responded by stabbing Joel in the neck with a paring knife.

Joel suffered a mild rupture of the carotid artery, resulting in the loss of 8 pints of blood. The chimp servant expressed regret to Joel as it drove him to a nearby animal hospital. It even promised to buy more dick on the way home.

The hospital serves no dick after 11am, so Joel is still without dick as we speak.

(pictured above, Nikki explains to Dean in detail what a pap smear is.)

The Dick Thickens

Anyone who's ever met a Belgian knows that the Belgian people are an intense, singleminded people. So when the Belgian consulate in Washington D.C. announced that they were including Joel Eating Dick as part of the emblem of their national flag, you knew they weren't being facetious.

Political talk shows, most notably "Hardball" with Chris Matthews, thought the announcement was a ploy to curry favor with the United States through Joel eating dick. Bill O' Reilly even went so far as to call Joel "A dick-eating lapdog of the outdated Belgian monarchy." India thought the announcement was a ploy to curry flavor.

(pictured above, a chart)