Happy July 4th From Eat A Dick Joel

We hope you enjoy your day off at a barbecue or a pool and perhaps get some sleep tonight although some asshole neighbors of yours will invariably keep setting off fireworks past 3am. Enjoy!

UAG

Pathmark Pathmark Have You Any Wool

Pathmark: You've Got To Respect Yourshelf

Old Man Rant Of The Day

This was spotted in one of those non-newspapers "am New York," a publication that apparently finds it necessary to print people's tweets. On paper.

Now, I know all about Twitter and tweets and hashtags and shit, so don't think I'm some septuagenarian who just logged on with an America Online 6.0 CD. But what the fuck is this? Is that even a complete sentence? (Answer: no). This encapsulates everything I hate about Twitter: The inarticulate "ugh." The sentence that begins with "when," apparently adopting a format that other Twitter users have used to conserve precious characters, when in fact @jessakeller could have saved even more characters by writing correctly: "It's so much colder than I anticipated."

Was that so hard, Jessa? Moron.

Then I hate the fact that Twitter users (tweeters?) throw hashtags at the end to complete the message: that she was unprepared; that she regretted not checking the weather; that she was currently taking the bus; and that she hopes her collection of words makes it into the local rag.

Let's be honest here. Hashtags aren't efficient- they're fucking LAZY. It's a cheap way for someone to clarify what they're talking about without having to craft their sentences into something readable. What they're doing is throwing parts of a sentence at you and making YOU do all the work. Which is a big hint that what they're saying wasn't important enough for them to take the time to write properly. "When" my ass. #YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!

<\rant> Amen.

Pop Quiz, Hotshot

Q: Which Hudson News is this?

A: Trick question. It's every single one of them.

Let's Push The Hippo Heads Until They Eat All of The White Marbles From The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by John Reid via MMS, a fountain at a Chinese restaurant:



Reid adds, "If you stare at it long enough, it makes you gay."

Penis And Vagina Mugs Found In Jersey Shed

So I found these two beauties in the backyard toolshed sometime last year- yet another treasure left by the previous homeowner.


And while Andrew (while visiting us) was impressed by them, here is J'Net's reaction to the aforementioned items:



Meanwhile, in the shitty movie "Land Of The Lost:"

Kreppuspilið Again!

Since the date is the 19th AND the moon tonight will be waning crescent, it's time for Joel to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið!

To keep his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak, Joel must be both prepared and flexible. Here at EADJ we offer a few strategies for tonight's exciting game:

• When rolling the Luck Bones, flick slightly with your wrist so that they have a chance to land on "milkshake." You don't want them to land on "pus" again.

• Hold your Kreppuspilið "Power" cards until four rounds in so that your chimp servant Chad Yarborough uses his up to collect all the magpies. Then, when he draws a card, throw down your hand and karate chop his groin!


This should help explain some of these strategies

• If the Domino's Pizza guy shows up while it's your turn, you may force him to take his shirt off and reenact the scene from "Ghost" with you. That's not in the rulebook or anything- just something to try. Insist on being Demi.

• Don't be obsessed with the scoreboard. The best Kreppuspilið players play on instinct, guts, balls, nerve, chutzpah, and a little something called mojo. Unless you're losing.


• Your chimp servant is wily. Don't get up to pee without taking the entire playing board with you into the pee shed. And while we're on the subject, pace yourself when drinking your Ting.

• Move your game piece carefully. The board favors those who are cautious, rewarding the best players with points and punishing the reckless with free tickets to movies starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds as two people who hate each other but pretend to be engaged in order to keep their jobs but end up falling in love anyway due to circumstances beyond their control.

• This probably doesn't mean to be said, but eat plenty of dick while playing. When you're undernourished, you tend to be dull and unfocused. Believe us, we've read some of your screenplays. ZING!

• Have fun, Joel!

EADJ Doesn't Do This Bit Anymore.

(pictured above, me and two other blobs of unfried dough. And Curlz MT.)

BONUS: According to Wikipedia, in Canada, pieces of fried dough are sometimes called "Beaver Tails."