EADJ's New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year! We at EADJ are excited for a fresh start, so here is a list of our New Year's resolutions:

• Stop ordering a venti soy latte at Dunkin

• Win a fight with a bouncer

• Get my body bikini ready for summer 

• Start working on that Bee Gees biopic again

• MORE MUCILAGE

• Call your mother back

• Prepare for Lent

• Connect with the universe like some New Age idiot

• Make you like me

• Learn the lyrics to Daft Punk's "Around The World"

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week Of Sept 8

HI this is Cassandra the daughter of DADDY

He left me in his office while he goes to a MEETING but he wanted me to send OUT the JOB NUMBERS for timesheets which Daddy says is DUE at the end of the day

After this SENTENCE are the job numbers everyone is SUPPOSED to use:

82455 -  Convincing the freelancer to quit

53252 - Wrestle with your conscience

53253 - Wrestle with your partner

20005 - Somehow finding fault in the OK Go music videos on YouTube

85258 - Spraying PAM between your tits

80030 - Staying up late at night, hating Hillary Clinton

75590 - Inspecting the working conditions at the Cheesecake Factory 

41123 - Gluing googly eyes to the back of a corpse's head

35875 - Making up job numbers

48814 - Pretending you didn't just sit hard on your balls

35801 - Kegel exercises

Lobsterfest® Lobsters On Through The Lobster!

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster continues its exciting run of succulent lobster originals for a limited time, now in its eighteenth week. Here now are even more ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• Red Lobster develops an advanced technology that allows you to enter other people's dreams. We enter your consciousness when you're asleep, sneak a couple thousand avatars of lobsters into your dream, then dump them all over you when you're fingering Megan Fox. It's just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We pay a tattoo parlor near you an obscene amount of money. Then we tackle you when you drunkenly stumble out of a bar on a Saturday night and strap you into the tattoo chair. We're pretty sure you can figure out what happens next. That's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You fall while playing jai alai and skin your leg. You refuse to get the wound dressed or looked at, and it becomes terribly infected. You come into Red Lobster and show us how the wound has developed some disgusting pus. The servers and you then get into a lively discussion of how the word "pussy" could be used in this situation without any references to vaginas. Just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Lobsters everywhere start dying for no reason. Scientists everywhere are baffled. The extinction of an entire aquatic species is imminent. Red Lobster refuses to change the name of our restaurants, stating we have a lot of "brand equity" in our name. Our chain eventually goes under as global fisheries and economies collapse. Hey, that's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• The guy who played Chandler Bing in "Friends" comes to your house and asks if you want to go over to Red Lobster with him for a meal. You tell him you're actually kind of busy and need to get some work done. The rejection totally devastates him, seeing how his acting career has pretty much gone to the toilet since the show ended. Oh yeah, Matthew Perry is his name. That's just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Meanwhile, At the Romantic Comedy Poster Conference...

"Okay, well it's a known fact that Pretty Woman was an unqualified success. And I think most of its success could be attributed to the fact that the lead actors were standing back to back in the poster."

"Yes. So should we agree to always put the male and female standing back-to-back in romantic comedy posters?"


"It sounds like a sound idea. Having them stand back-to-back has a certain symmetrical beauty to it."


"I don't know, it implies visually that the two are disagreeing at some point in the movie...Like they're dueling with pistols."

"Well, metaphorically they are, Jordan. The two characters in romantic comedies never get along, at FIRST. But then they always, always, always, find that they love each other. And the back-to-back thing captures that dynamic perfectly."


"My name's not Jordan. It's Keith."

"Well, you look like Keith from marketing."

"Gentlemen... and lady. We must also expand this practice to cover all of Kate Hudson's movies. She has in her contract with Warner Brothers that any movie she is in must have her standing back-to-back with the male lead."


"Wait, I don't see the word 'male' in the contract. Just any lead."


"And since we're on the subject of actors, Matthew McConaughey also has it, but his clearly states 'female' lead."


"Are his female leads required to also stand with their back to Matthew?"

"Doesn't say. But I'm going to assume we have the latitude to mix it up."


"Well, that's a relief. Then we can have fun with it."


"Okay, so this brings us to all Kate Hudson/ Matthew McConaughey movies. Do their contracts strengthen each other or cancel each other out?"


"Well, their agents spoke to each other and told me, 'Fuck the rules.' They said just putting them together is going to be box office gold!"

The Dick Thickens

Anyone who's ever met a Belgian knows that the Belgian people are an intense, singleminded people. So when the Belgian consulate in Washington D.C. announced that they were including Joel Eating Dick as part of the emblem of their national flag, you knew they weren't being facetious.

Political talk shows, most notably "Hardball" with Chris Matthews, thought the announcement was a ploy to curry favor with the United States through Joel eating dick. Bill O' Reilly even went so far as to call Joel "A dick-eating lapdog of the outdated Belgian monarchy." India thought the announcement was a ploy to curry flavor.

(pictured above, a chart)