Reason #345,198,874,870 Why Social Media Is Dumb

GREEN BOWLS, YOU SAY? HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! CALL 911 AND ALERT THE TOWN CRYER!!!!!

If You See A Faded Sign At The Side of The Road That Says '15 Miles To the PAAAATHMARK!'

The Literal Dehumanization of the NJ Transit Survey

I rode on the NJ Transit train recently and found the latest Transit survey brochure. This year it didn't have the old familiar crowd of six characters as featured in previous brochures:

No, this time someone just chose to fire up Microsoft Excel instead and turn a cheap chart into the brochure's main visual. It breaks my heart and makes my retinas bleed:

Instead of our beloved six, there's now an ugly pie chart with five wedges. WTH? Here's a forensic breakdown of what we think happened to the beloved six and which wedges of the pie chart they morphed into:

"Jesse" = FY14

Jesse's boring, conservative persona has been distilled into a harmless navy blue wedge. It won't offend anyone, and it matches perfectly with any pair of khakis you may be wearing to Rush.

"Jess" = FY13

Jess became the slightly brighter, more confident blue wedge of the pie. Her energy and verve have been captured with this fun-loving, friendly shade of azure. You go, Jess!

"Trina" = FY15

Leave it to Trina to boast a lusty purple wedge. The color almost matches her too-tight top and it's top-heaviness echoes her physique.

"Angie" and "Simon Peter" = FY12

Yeah, I know, it's unfair that they have to share a wedge. Mainly because she's a disembodied head, and he's a friggin' useless tool, so they add up to one. Life ain't fair, Charlie.

"Don With The Thumbs" = FY16

The man of the hour gets not only the biggest slice but the most flamboyant color the printers had available. This feels right because DWTT is all about calling attention to himself and being generally awesome. Good on ya, Don!

Did we make the right match ups? Text "USELESSANALYSIS" to 53562 to tell us or to submit your own ideas! Message and Data Rates May Apply

A Tempting Scenario At The Supermarket

There, in the produce department. About crotch-height, a scale.

It's about 10:30pm, and hardly anybody else is in the supermarket. No security cameras in sight.

What to do… what to do...

Oh. Also the burning question, how many grams is my dick?

6 Lies Told By The Keansburg Amusement Park and Runaway Rapids Family Waterpark Brochure

 

1) Rapids are actually not "runaway" at all, but flow safely and predictably into the Lily Pad Pool.

2) "Birthday Parties are our specialty." No, their specialty is actually defensible network analysis and in-depth statistics on how business data services are used by global enterprises, but they also do birthday parties.

3) Keansburg Amusement Park was the only section featured in New Jersey Magazine's annual "Best of Jersey." The Keansburg Runaway Rapids Waterpark was featured in "Girls And Corpses."

 

4) "Keansburg Amusement Park is filled with dozens of exciting rides..." At last count, there were 23 exciting rides, which doesn't technically qualify as "dozens." The only other ride that can be considered exciting is the main high pressure pump room, if you break in and sit on the primary piston.

5) That one kid is actually a fiberglass sculpture of former Clinton political advisor George Stephanapoulos.

6) "From french fries to fresh baked pizza, jumbo hot dogs, freshly made hamburgers, homemade waffles with ice cream or warm funnel cakes, everyone will find something they love." 

Let's Bathe With Olive Oil And Potpourri In The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Mig Ponce via text:


And submitted by Jessica via text:


Apparently Goatse got divorced?

Eat a Dickfer, Joelfer

You know those Swiffer commercials where women are having a heart-to-heart with someone offscreen, and it's later revealed that they're actually talking to a goddamned MOP?! BWAHAHAHA!! Joel wrote those!

My favorite in the series is the one where a female executive is about to fire someone, telling them their work has "gotten sloppy" and whatnot, and it turns out to be a MOP instead of an employee!!!!! Fuckin' classic, man! How does Joel do it?

But I saw on YouTube recently a Swiffer ad that I hadn't seen. It was one where this woman is talking to what you're supposed to think is her son. "Why are you eating so much dick? You're disappointing me with how much dick you're chugging on a daily basis. I can't even park in the driveway anymore!" And the camera pans over, and it's JOEL sitting there!!! Must be a director's cut or something.

(pictured above, Dean loses a bet with Brian Bennett over the proper usage of "affect" vs "effect.")