Now Available on Vinyl

Limp Bizkit on pressed vinyl. For audiophiles who don't care what they're listening to.

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 8: "Christmas At The Palace"

There should be a special subgroup of Hallmark movies with royalty. It's the standard romantic wish fulfillment fantasy with a huge helping of plain ol' greed on top of it. Only in these movies do you see such handsome, rich, incredibly AVAILABLE princes who are just looking for that special American girl who can see beyond his incredible riches to appreciate the real him, and then share in his incredible riches. Dream on, Amber.

Romance Factor: 6 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 6 out of 10

Overall Rating: 6 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:22:37

Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

Alex Jones' Info Wars is a program that some people enjoy because it floats conspiracy theories that line up with or enforce the fucked up way they see the world. Here are some of the exquisite stupidity that they can expect to hear next week:

• Minions are actually Chinese children with thicker glasses on

• Selfish refugee families are demanding to be detained in hundreds of tents that would have been used for fun music festivals for white people

• If you look in a microscope at DNA, it looks exactly like a bowl of Chef Boyardee ABCs & 123s

• People who have those signs in their homes that say LIVE LAUGH LOVE are to be trusted. Report any illegal or even legal minority activity to these trusted agents.

• If you connect 6 in a game of Connect Four, communities in India will consider you a god and worship you.

• Bats are the worst. They're probably liberals, too.

The ProofrEADJer: Halloween's Cooming Edition

Here's another video. It's a little long, boring and hard to see, but watch for misspellings of COMBINATION, BEEF, SAUSAGE, and CHEESE:

Previously On Unitex...

Two doctors. Two different care approaches.

He's chief surgeon of cardiology. She's head of orthopedic surgery. They don't always see eye to eye. In fact, when they're together, it's always...

HEAD TO HEAD, Tuesdays 9/8 C on CBS.

Episode 1: "Pilot"

Dr. Latimer takes issue with Dr. Cahoney's use of a controversial, experimental procedure. The patient survives, but only because Latimer intervenes with a ladle.

Episode 2: "Alliances Forged"

Dr. Cahoney's team of residents are barred from Latimer's cardiology ward. They pose as terminally ill children to gain access and rub it in Latimer's stupid face!

Episode 3: "Series Finale"

Dr. Latimer and Dr. Cahoney can't hide their three-episode-long romance from their co-workers and get unceremoniously fired. They are quickly replaced by a variety show with breakdancers and ventriloquists.

Mini Smecial Dream Entry

Andrew and I continue our oneiric conversation:

Not quite sure why all my dreams have terrible female singers in them.

Dick To the Future

An unconfirmed source has leaked that Joel was unceremoniously dropped as spokesman for Glide Comfort Plus Dental Floss.

Representatives and lawyers from Crest Corporation held a conference at a Chili's Express in Audobon, New Jersey.

"Joel has been an exemplary figurehead for getting big chunks of meat from between his teeth," said attorney Myron Noodleman, "Glide Comfort Plus has been lucky to have his services for the last 8 months, but we feel that we're being pigeonholed as purely a dick floss due to the association with Joel."

Crest has opted to honor the contract with Joel and pay him the twelve crates of dick without him having to film any more commercials or make any more appearances at malls.

Joel has since started negotiations with a local toothpick company, Woodflickers.

(pictured above, through the magic of modern technology– and with a little help from MIS– Dean picks boogers from 700 miles away)