We Take A Brief Break from 25 Days of Hallmark Movies For A Program Note From EADJ, Courtesy of Fiverr

That might be the first time the ProofrEADJer has ever been pronounced out loud. Thanks to Fiverr seller kishameraa!

The Call of Chulo

So there's this Cockapoo named Chulo missing. And apparently the dog can write in the first person. This is surprising because collies and terriers were always thought to be more intelligent than cocker spaniels or medium-sized poodles. Also, dachsunds are whores.


Chulo also seems to know New York streets pretty well but won't disclose where he is right now. For such an intelligent animal, this seems unlikely. What's more likely is that Chulo had a disagreement with Marco and ran away at the first opportunity. You can pretty much read in the passive-aggressive subtext of the flyer that Chulo and Marco had a strained relationship. "I kept running from my owner?"


The truth is, Marco and Chulo fought constantly. Marco was always staying at work late without calling, and Chulo kept pooping in Marco's Manolo Blahnik shoes. And when they actually did spend "quality time" together on walks, Marco would always be talking with Rita on his Bluetooth, forcing Chulo to endure long, pointless conversations about how Nina Garcia is a way better judge on "Project Runway" than Michael Kors ever could be, that bitch, blah blah blah.

So when Marco would let him run leashless, Chulo started devising an escape plan. He tested the boundaries of how fast he could run, how far. He learned that the Lexington Avenue subway stop was mere blocks away, that all he needed was to scrape two dollars fare together, hide it in his collar, then make a run for it next Monday.


UPDATE: Marco has gotten many tips about Chulo's whereabouts, but none of them have been fruitful yet. So the reward money is up for grabs. He did, however, receive this photo sent in an envelope postmarked "Tahiti:"


The dog in the photo does resemble a cockapoo. And news agencies have identified his companion as Tianna, the famous angora rabbit, by her extremely furry paws.

What do you think of that, Pewter Bear?


Always the voice of reason, Pewter Bear. Always the pussy-assed fucking miserable dicknoggined shitwiped voice of reason. We haven't missed you.

Minazo, We Hardly Knew Ye.

(AP) Yokohama (Kyodo) Minazo, Japan's largest seal, died this week having charmed visitors for 10 1/2 years at Enoshima Aquarium in Fujisawa Kanagawa Prefecture, aquarium officials said.

Minazo quickly rose to stardom at the aquarium, where his three shows a day proved a hit with visitors. More recently, he became a web phenomenon on ihasabucket.com

Minazo brought such joy to Japanese children. He can only be replaced now by video games, sticker machines, dolls, talking robots, violent game shows, anime, manga, tamagochi, Gundam, panties in vending machines, bubble gum beverages, chillingly deviant pornography, vinyl toys, Hello Kitty, complicated toilets, cosplay, chindogu, karaoke, Dance Dance Revolution, hotels where you sleep in a tube, super-advanced cell phones, drift-car racing, and dressing up like James Dean.

A funeral service will be held on Friday at the Enoshima Mausoleum and Food Court. Celebrities such as Young Jeezy and Tianna, the angora bunny, are expected to attend.

A side of Tianna you never knew.

Few people know this, but Tianna used to be a State District Judge in Harris County in Houston, TX.

Back in 2005, it was she who reduced mountains of paper documents in the courtroom's docket by converting everything to digital. This decision came after Tianna found that scrolling through thousands of legal documents cut down on her ability to lick her extremely fluffy paws. Since then, the civil courts building has freed up over 40,000 square feet of storage space, allowing all new gardens of baby carrots and green sprouts to be planted there.

Tianna calmed critics by saying that judges won't have to work with digital documents if they aren't comfortable with the technology and that some paper documents will still be needed in most cases. She also snuffled and scratched her wiggly nose with her back paw before slamming the gavel at the bench.

To EADJ His Own

Word on the street has it that Tianna is planning a worldwide tour later this year.

TMZ has confirmed that 4 choreographers, several hundred roadies, and 5 sound engineers have been called to meet on Friday to launch her "Extremely Fluffy Paws and Effekt" tour in October. Also, some visual effects wizards have been asked to create a floating stage that can sustain the weight of a 4-piece band and a 14 ounce Angora rabbit in costume.

Jive Records, Tianna's record label, has not officially confirmed tour dates but has hinted that label mates Chris Brown, Joe, R. Kelly, 3LW, Ciara, Clipse, T-Pain, and Samantha Jade will be sharing a bus with Tianna.

EADJ will report more on this developing story as it develops. Or whatever.

Tianna caught in another scandal

Just when you thought Tianna had faded from the headlines, a new scandal has broken that will not only rock her fanbase but put her entire career in jeopardy.

Former Penthouse Magazine publisher Bob Guccione has leaked some sexually graphic photos of Tianna from 1988. Guccione held a press conference from his Manhattan mansion, announcing that a full spread of Tianna will be published in the July issue of Penthouse. Guccione has denied that the photos are forgeries.

Tianna's publicist Sue McCloskey issued a severe condemnation of Guccione's decision.

"Tianna is devastated," McCloskey read from a press release, "Her family and close friends are deeply hurt by the release of these unfortunate photos."

She continued: "Every day we make choices that define us, choices of how we energize our body, nourish our mind and delight our soul. Every day is an opportunity to literally rebuild ourselves from the inside out, to boldy shape our own beauty."

Asked if Tianna plans to sue, McCloskey said "It is a physiological truth."

Meanwhile, Tianna has refused to leave her 30-acre compound. She has reportedly shaved her head and has been chewing on baby carrots for days. She has also been seen cleaning her extremely fluffy paws.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Emily Kane was complaining that she deserves credit for discovering Tianna back in February. Now she's not so sure she wants it.

ROBBERY!!!!

ACWORTH, Georgia (AP) -- Georgia authorities Wednesday were searching for three young females, possibly teenagers, who robbed a supermarket bank branch, laughing as they held up a teller with nothing but sunglasses to disguise their faces.

The three handed a Bank of America branch teller a note demanding cash, smiled as they waited and then walked (some say hopped) out with stolen money Tuesday, police said. One of them was cleaning their extremely fluffy paws.

It wasn't clear if they had a weapon, police said.

Their images, captured on bank surveillance video during the 12:15 p.m. robbery Tuesday, were released by police and already had led to several tips, Cobb County police spokesman officer Wayne Delk said.

Authorities have not said how much money was taken, but Delk said it is "considerable." Also, several baby carrots and a head of lettuce was taken from the produce section of the supermarket. The baby carrots were paid for.

Tianna momentarily comes out of rehab

(pictured above, Tianna helps Balls and Andrew model the sweet fucking new Thumper Thursday t-shirts.)

Some items from the Tianna auction at Christie's

A 1982 publicity photo of Tianna in the first season cast of "Silver Spoons" on NBC. Sold for $1.8 Million.


DJ Kay Gee, Tianna, Treach, and Vin Rock on the cover of their 1993 single "Hip Hop Hooray." Sold for $320,000.

Manut Bol, Eat a Dick Jol

Joel was tearfully given a momento from the family of his former mentor Tianna: the angora rabbit's water bottle. Filled with the $200-a-bottle Bling gourmet bottled water, it was the last possession not auctioned off by Christie's this morning. Joel reportedly stayed dry-eyed until he saw that the nozzle was sort of phallic. He then slobbered and cried until he shat his cargo shorts. Tianna's former handlers were asked to clean him up.

Visionary German filmmaker Werner Herzog has shown interest in directing "DICK APPETIT: The Joel Thomas Story," a hot script which has made the rounds in recent weeks. Variety reports that Herzog would prefer to cast an unknown in the title role, saying that since Joel is pretty unknown already, he might as well jump in front of the camera. Whatever.

(pictured above, Peter K displays the new nickname Three 6 Mafia gave to him.

Eat 'em if you got 'em.

In an unprecedented NASCAR move, stock car racing driver Elliott Sadler announced that he would be displaying a decal with the phrase "Eat a Dick, Joel" on his front hood for FREE.

"I thought about it," said the Dodge-sponsored driver at a press conference at Madison International Speedway, "and I done think that Joel done do the dang dick-eating real good now yeehaw."

Sadler proceeded to pinch some chaw into his lower lip and hate blacks.

This announcement sent shockwaves through the racing community, a lot like how the death of Tianna sent shockwaves through the Angora rabbit community. Some detractors think that the free "sponsorship" will lead other drivers to put stickers with meaningless phrases on their cars, making them look gaudy and ridiculous.

"Dang ding dang dang whoohaw ***BURP***" said longtime racing fan Earl Haggerty before fucking his sister and seceding from the Union.

Joel could not be reached for comment during the press conference, for the dicks of drivers Matt Kenseth, JJ Yeley, Paul Menard, Greg Biffle, Sterling Marlin, Tony Stewart, Ken Schrader, Dave Blaney, Jamie McMurray, Kevin Harvick, Casey Mears, David Gilliland, David Stremme, Bobby Labonte, Juan Montoya, and Reed Sorenson were all being eaten by him.

***CORRECTION*** The car pictured above does not, in fact, belong to Elliott Sadler but to DeWalt-sponsored driver Matt Kenseth. Like anyone gives a shit.

Now is the time for all good Joels to eat dick.

The untimely death of Tianna has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry. The English Angora rabbit, bred by Betty Chu and most known for her All Breed Best In Show win in 2003, was found unconscious in her cage yesterday afternoon and died in hospital later that night. Joel gave a heartfelt eulogy at a memorial service at Hubbel's Pet Store on Sunset Blvd. Through tears, he recounted how Tianna gave him his big break and nurtured him into the big dick-eater that he is today.

"I can't begin to tell you how much Tianna has meant to me. Every dick I eat reminds me of her."

Joel then had to be helped away from the podium because he had almost fainted.

"This would make a great plotline for a screenplay I could write if anybody's interested..." Joel said before collapsing.

The medical examiner now performing an autopsy on the body of Tianna says he hopes to release preliminary information later today. The pet and former County Fair winner died Thursday at the age of 4. Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) has also been asked to speak at her funeral.