I Can't Believe There's Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Just when we thought we'd seen every last generic brand of toilet paper, we go take a poop somewhere public and are confronted with yet another EADJ bit (or bits, since the paper is so fragile).

Brand: Green Heritage

Label: Wavy green leaves, separated by undulating white lines.

Feels Like: Wiping with somebody's old family tree chart.

Brand: Keep It Green

Label: What looks like a piece of sod, decorated with a butterfly and a FOOTBALL?!

Feels Like: Getting blitzed by linebackers in your ain-hole.

Brand: Slurp Ass Surpass

Label: Brown tobacco leaves or brown coffee beans, plus a disturbing asterix near the name (is that a drawing of an asshole?)

Feels Like: Falling off the back seat of a motorcycle in short shorts and landing on the back tire at 80mph.

Brand: Soft Touch

Label: Plain lettering over a Tiffany blue background

Feels Like: Somebody lied.

Dick To the Future

An unconfirmed source has leaked that Joel was unceremoniously dropped as spokesman for Glide Comfort Plus Dental Floss.

Representatives and lawyers from Crest Corporation held a conference at a Chili's Express in Audobon, New Jersey.

"Joel has been an exemplary figurehead for getting big chunks of meat from between his teeth," said attorney Myron Noodleman, "Glide Comfort Plus has been lucky to have his services for the last 8 months, but we feel that we're being pigeonholed as purely a dick floss due to the association with Joel."

Crest has opted to honor the contract with Joel and pay him the twelve crates of dick without him having to film any more commercials or make any more appearances at malls.

Joel has since started negotiations with a local toothpick company, Woodflickers.

(pictured above, through the magic of modern technology– and with a little help from MIS– Dean picks boogers from 700 miles away)