The Latest Funded Kickstarter Projects

Crowdsourcing site Kickstarter has announced their latest successfully funded projects. Here are the products and projects that got the green light:

• noiseless flip flops that ultimately are no fun now

• miniature baby leopards that are like regular baby leopards in every way except that they're incredibly racist against the Dutch

• a squeezable dictionary that really doesn't want you to squeeze it

• whimsical fake mustaches that hide your very real canker sores

• STAB-SAVR: a handy budgeting app that saves you cents on the dollar every time you stab someone

Things To Talk About While Sitting At the Little Tikes Fold 'n Store Picnic Table With Market Umbrella

So your parents bought a Little Tikes Fold 'n Store Picnic Table With Market Umbrella for the backyard and have invited some people over. You're expected to have lunch or a snack at this thing and worse yet, probably expected to have a conversation with the other kids sitting there. EADJ and Little Tikes have joined together to give you some possible ice breakers and discussion topics:

• Are Capri Suns fruit boxes?

• Paw Patrol is grooming children to accept fascism

• Why do training pants seldom have trains on them?

• Eating your vegetables: A LIBERAL CONSPIRACY

• What foods are there besides pizza?

• Is Caillou a bitch, or is he a TOTAL bitch?

• The dangers of not picking your boogers

• That cloud that looks like a frog never mind

• Why hasn't Trump fired Dr. Fauci yet if he dislikes him so much?

• Can one enjoy Fat Albert and The Brown Horne without the shadow of Bill Cosby's awful legacy?

• Words that rhyme with butt 

Forbidden Conversation Topics When You Go Pumpkin Picking

It's that time of the year again- to go with your loved ones to the local farm and pick out pumpkins for decoration or cooking. Of course, after you get there, it gets pretty boring in that field and you'll want to start a conversation. For when you do, here are some topics you SHOULD NOT bring up during your trip to that patch:

• Your 12 miscarriages

• How lazy black people are

• Your shitty podcast

• AIDS

• How iTunes ruined the music business

• The animation style of "Star Wars Rebels" vs. "Star Wars: The Clone Wars"

• Deadly vermin found in pumpkin patches

• The old horror movie "Basket Case"

• People you've murdered and buried in this pumpkin patch

• How lazy Mexicans are

• How your "gaydar" has improved lately

• Hey, remember Michele Bachmann?

• Why your penis curves

• Christmas

EADJ Spring Fashion Review

The Boy Scouts' motto is "Be Prepared," and Arthur is fully prepared for creeped-out looks and people moving away from him on the train in his shorts-and-thermal-socks combo and Ranger Rick hat.


Donna converts her old Pomeranian into a stylish tote bag. It's a perfect way for her to pay tribute to her former pet and have a way to carry her new toy poodle! Hannibalesque!


Wearing a turtle-shell backpack is lightweight, fun, and 100% effective as chick repellent. BACHELOR ON A HALF SHELL!


The forests of "Avatar" are the perfect place to find shredded blue pelts for a vest. That or Sesame Street.


Nothing says "European visitor" like a lenticular day-glo leather jacket and patchy acid washed jeans on a 40 year old.


Lots of garments make a statement, and Gus says, "I don't give a shit about my appearance" when he appears at Dunkin Donuts in pajama bottoms that read "The dog did it."


Chandellambra answers the question that nobody's been asking: "Who is fierce in them studded out stripper heels and polka dot tights?"



Sunbeam Rainbows makes sure her unshaved armpits are covered around food at her local Whole Foods Market in a Tibetan/Mayan/UrbanOutfitterian mashup outfit.


Barbra mixes safety with fasion: fishnet stockings over an anklet ensures that her semi-precious jewelry will never fall off!


Is that corndog halal? Kamia calls a friend in a delightful spring ensemble, which includes a tasseled Ralph Lauren khimar and Ugg boots.


Having matching luggage is nice, but make sure the brand name you use doesn't phonetically spell how much of an idiot you are.



Don't you hate it when the wind makes you look fat?


Adinda shows off her faith and her practicality in a smartphone-fitted hijab, leaving her hands free to enjoy a raspberry lemonade and to gesticulate to her friend who can't see her hand movements anyway.

Jessica's Crack: An In-Depth Peek

(the following is an exclusive interview with Jessica's crack by EADJ field reporter Sue McCloskey)

SM: Thank you for coming.

JC: It's good to be here.

SM: So, let's get started. You've led a very public life, being the crack of an ass and all.

JC: Yes, that's true. But I believe it's a harsh misconception, and I've been trying to fight it all my life. I'm a very private person, actually.

SM: And Jessica seems so out there.


JC: She does, bless her heart. But try to separate the girl from the crack of her ass for a second?

SM: Okay.

JC: I myself don't crave the public eye. But the very fact that I am so large makes it hard to hide.

SM: You say you're large? How is that?

JC: (puffing a cigarette) I am unusually long for the crack of an ass. Where most people's ass cracks end three to four inches north of their butthole, mine stretches far beyond, almost to Jessica's waist.

SM: I see.

JC: (blowing out a long plume of smoke) Add to that the burden of Jessica wearing low-rider, hip-hugging jeans all the time, and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster.

SM: I hate that expression.

JC: Sorry.

SM: S'okay. So you've grown up in the public eye, and now you're pretty much a celebrity, whether you wanted to be or not. What's next for Jessica's crack?

JC: Well, I really love strutting my stuff, so I've signed on to appear in next season's "Dancing With the Stars," and I'm paired up with one of the members of Blackstreet.

SM: Omarion?

JC: No, you're thinking of B2K.

SM: Oh. And what else?

JC: (taking a sip from her chocolatini) I've signed a $500,000 deal with Penguin Books to write my memoirs. It's called "Tainted Memories– The Rise and Fall of Jessica's Butt Slit."

SM: Neat.

JC: I've also started a foundation in Boston for girls with long ass cleavage. It's called 2 Cheeks & Hope.

SM: That's so great of you. You seem so involved for an ass crack.

JC: I believe you can transcend expectations and be whatever you want to be. The fact that my main function is pushing out corn-ridden torpedoes and floating air biscuits doesn't hold me back from my dreams.

SM: I'm sure there are a lot of readers who can learn from your wise words, Jessica's crack.

JC: I hope so. (taking a bite of her black olive crostini) For the children's sake, I certainly hope so.

Now is the time for all good Joels to eat dick.

The untimely death of Tianna has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry. The English Angora rabbit, bred by Betty Chu and most known for her All Breed Best In Show win in 2003, was found unconscious in her cage yesterday afternoon and died in hospital later that night. Joel gave a heartfelt eulogy at a memorial service at Hubbel's Pet Store on Sunset Blvd. Through tears, he recounted how Tianna gave him his big break and nurtured him into the big dick-eater that he is today.

"I can't begin to tell you how much Tianna has meant to me. Every dick I eat reminds me of her."

Joel then had to be helped away from the podium because he had almost fainted.

"This would make a great plotline for a screenplay I could write if anybody's interested..." Joel said before collapsing.

The medical examiner now performing an autopsy on the body of Tianna says he hopes to release preliminary information later today. The pet and former County Fair winner died Thursday at the age of 4. Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) has also been asked to speak at her funeral.