6 Lies Told By The "Safe Handling Of Take Out Foods" Brochure

1) Paper bags aren't usually big or strong enough to hold an entire chicken. Also, who the shit slices pizza that way?

2) "Keep HOT Food HOT! Keep COLD food COLD!"

Also, MEN should marry WOMEN! And WOMEN in skirts are ASKING FOR IT!

3) "If you are not eating take-out or delivered food immediately, follow these guidelines to make sure the food remains safe for you to eat at a later time."

The question that should be asked is, why did you order food if you weren't going to immediately eat it, you indecisive wastoid? Lay off the pipe and eat your Reuben while it's hot.

4) "Inspected for wholesomeness." That means they served it at a Mormon sock hop and measured the number of "gee-willikers" in the responses.

5) If you've got 5 day old egg salad lying around, you deserve to die.

6) "Salads made with mayonnaise do not freeze well." Bullshit. It freezes great- it just tastes like yak ass after thawing later.

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Full-bodied with herbal notes, this white or red wine (I forget which) boasts a soft, less tannic flavor than a Cabernet sauvignon. Pairs well with a hoagie or cocaine.

Unnecessary Rant No. 1

Natalie Merchant's mouth is music's gaping armpit with teeth.

Why would I say such a thing? Because whenever she opens her mouth to sing her soft pop/rock pap about eating for two or talking about the weather, I get a violent urge to strangle whatever baby I'm holding and smash the radio with my foot.

The accompanying music is pretty vanilla-beige khaki bad, but it's Merchant's voice which really sends any song of hers into the stratosphere (dong!) of horrificly unlistenable. The way she pronounces every vowel as if it were an "A:" The word "natural" is turned into "nataral," and "misinformation" is "masanfarmatian." Anfariatang.

I remember being fooled in the early eighties when I saw the cassette tapes with "10,000 MANIACS" in Camelot Music. "Cool!" I thought, "Maniacs are awesome. This music should be kickass!" Only to pop a tape in the boom box and hear the equivalent of musical Pepto Bismol placenta cockhorse oozing out of my speakers.

Natalie Merchant, if you are reading this, I despise your music and I've never liked your bouncy bob haircut. Give Joel a break and eat my dick yourself.

(pictured above, Dean bosses around Melissa Grein for the last fucking time)