Get a (Karaoke) Room, Guys

We re-captioned a still from the new trailer for "Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire":

A Few More Available But Dumb Porn Names

Congrats on your first porn shoot! We’re all ready to begin shooting your big debut, but first we'll need you to pick a porn name. Something you’ll go by for the duration of your 5-8 year career. Here's an empty Newport carton full of porn names that you can pick from. Help yourself to any of it, but fair warning– a lot of these are pretty stupid:

Him

Samson Ite

Twink Erbelle

Dong Cornelius

Kareem De Menthe

Jack Ulater

Sir Thomas Engleshire Fuck, III

Her

Hetty Petting

Rhonda Waygirl

Hannah Lingus

Tiffany Knockoff

Eunice Gargler

DENIED AGAIN

CNN's Robin Meade's solo country album, as mentioned in this blog before, is still sold out at Target. Come on, Target stockpersons!


And I sure as hell am not going to just buy her album from iTunes. I want to enjoy the CD sleeve art.

Lobsterfest® Fists Your Lobster!

Lobsterfest® enters its 40th spectacular week, and we at Red Lobster are still finding exciting and succulent ways for you to enjoy lobster! Here are just a few of the latest new ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• We mail you a Lobsterfest® postcard, which you bring into Red Lobster for a special Lobsterfest® scratch-off game piece. The game piece has four codes which you scratch off one-at-a-time, then compare with the codes posted on our in-store display. If two of your codes match those on the display in both number and color, you are automatically entered in our online raffle for two tickets to the next Red Lobster contest! That's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We go to Chinatown and find any guy there named "Doug Chen." We convince Doug that you're somehow related to him and arrange for a big family reunion dinner at Red Lobster. When he arrives, you and your family pretend to know and love him, creating this long-time familial bond that Doug Chen never had growing up. Then when the check comes around for the expensive lobster, everyone ducks out, leaving poor ol' Doug Chen with the bill! Yet another fantastic way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Against our better judgment, we roll a gigantic fucking doob in the shape of a lobster and give it to some college sophomores. The students smoke the weed and talk about the universe always expanding and all, then they fall asleep before the pizza even gets here. That's one great way you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We hire Jake Busey as a "lobster-consultant." Jake's enormous teeth act as both a deflector for lobster critics and an effective crushing device to crack open tough lobster shells for guests. We award our new lobster consultant with the Medal Of Valor, an honor that only military or public safety personnel who have served with gallantry usually get. Sure, that could act as another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. I guess.

Stay tuned for even more incredible lobster deals during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Lobsterfest Keeps On Lobsterin'!

It's week fourteen of Red Lobster's exciting and delicious Lobsterfest lobster extravaganza celebration, and Red Lobster is offering great new ways for you to enjoy lobster during this limited time! Try these scrumptious new offerings:

• We hire movie actor Chris Evans to boil and prepare a perfect plate of steaming lobster for you. Although he'll never leave our kitchen to meet you, you'll delight in knowing that the lobster you're eating has been prepared by none other than The Human Torch from the most recent "Fantastic Four" movies! It's just one more way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We steal tiles from your Scrabble board game set at home and mix them in with some raw ground beef and glitter, then we dress up as a postal worker and feed your dog the ground beef/glitter mixture. Your dog eats it up, and when you get home, it takes a big dump on the living room floor, and the Scrabble tiles in its poop spell out "LOBSTERFEST." Now that's a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• Our entire restaurant gets filled to the ceiling with live lobsters. We make an arrangement with your employer to print out and drop your next paycheck into the middle of the restaurant. You have to strip naked and must wade through all the snapping, live lobsters to get your paycheck. As you make your desperate way through the lobster gauntlet, the lobsters continue to snap and pinch your nether region and genitalia, and you realize that the lobsters' snapping claws have grown from agonizing to somehow erotic. What a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• You get kidnapped and wake up in an abandoned warehouse. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We enroll in a pottery class with you. During the lessons, we chat about our personal lives and generally not pay attention, which irks you to no end. So when it's time for us to start "throwing" or "firing" a piece of nice pottery, we have no idea how to do it, and that makes you very angry. When you get really red, we hold a mirror up to your face, and you realize you look just like a lobster! We then dunk your head into a bucket of melted butter to top off the hilarity. It's another fantastic way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We go to a strip club wearing sweatpants so that the strippers can feel our erections. Then when they get creeped out, we loudly remind them that we paid them a fucking hundo and they best get to grindin'. Plus you get to eat some Maine lobster tail, steamed snow crab legs, garlic shrimp scampi or some bullshit. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

EADJ Pun Police: Steven Seagal Edition

So you think you're tough, puns? You think your play on words makes you special? I'll show you who's tough. I'm the toughest there is. You've never seen a tougher sonofabitch than me.

*cracks knuckles*



"Holmes for the holiday?" You mean to tell me you released this movie on Christmas just so you could use that stupid pun? Gimme a break. C'mere.

*grabs pun by the hair, snaps neck*


I really feel sorry for you sons of bitches who think you got a shot against me. You think you're clever, but you're not. I'm laughing not because you're funny, but because you're pathetic.

*spins pun around, breaks arm, snaps neck*


Get the fuck out of here. Are you even trying?

*snaps neck*


Okay. Lucky shot. You got a good hit in there.

*wipes blood off bottom lip*

That's not gonna happen again.

*knees pun in the groin, sexually harasses it, snaps neck*


I get it. It's a market. So they put "market on your calendar." Real cute. But not cute enough.

*grabs pun by the neck, spins it around, feels its boobs, puts his tongue between the boobs, snaps neck*


Sure, there's a lot of you, but I can handle it. Come at me!

*seizes pun by the boobs, spins it against a wall, feels the boobs, spins it around, slaps its ass with his dick, snaps neck*


You just don't learn, do you? You're all a bunch of losers!

*sits on the floor, plays with flaccid penis, weeps, snaps own neck*

EADJ Changes The Ending To a Porno, Part II

Watch the previous entry here.

Jessica's Crack: An In-Depth Peek

(the following is an exclusive interview with Jessica's crack by EADJ field reporter Sue McCloskey)

SM: Thank you for coming.

JC: It's good to be here.

SM: So, let's get started. You've led a very public life, being the crack of an ass and all.

JC: Yes, that's true. But I believe it's a harsh misconception, and I've been trying to fight it all my life. I'm a very private person, actually.

SM: And Jessica seems so out there.


JC: She does, bless her heart. But try to separate the girl from the crack of her ass for a second?

SM: Okay.

JC: I myself don't crave the public eye. But the very fact that I am so large makes it hard to hide.

SM: You say you're large? How is that?

JC: (puffing a cigarette) I am unusually long for the crack of an ass. Where most people's ass cracks end three to four inches north of their butthole, mine stretches far beyond, almost to Jessica's waist.

SM: I see.

JC: (blowing out a long plume of smoke) Add to that the burden of Jessica wearing low-rider, hip-hugging jeans all the time, and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster.

SM: I hate that expression.

JC: Sorry.

SM: S'okay. So you've grown up in the public eye, and now you're pretty much a celebrity, whether you wanted to be or not. What's next for Jessica's crack?

JC: Well, I really love strutting my stuff, so I've signed on to appear in next season's "Dancing With the Stars," and I'm paired up with one of the members of Blackstreet.

SM: Omarion?

JC: No, you're thinking of B2K.

SM: Oh. And what else?

JC: (taking a sip from her chocolatini) I've signed a $500,000 deal with Penguin Books to write my memoirs. It's called "Tainted Memories– The Rise and Fall of Jessica's Butt Slit."

SM: Neat.

JC: I've also started a foundation in Boston for girls with long ass cleavage. It's called 2 Cheeks & Hope.

SM: That's so great of you. You seem so involved for an ass crack.

JC: I believe you can transcend expectations and be whatever you want to be. The fact that my main function is pushing out corn-ridden torpedoes and floating air biscuits doesn't hold me back from my dreams.

SM: I'm sure there are a lot of readers who can learn from your wise words, Jessica's crack.

JC: I hope so. (taking a bite of her black olive crostini) For the children's sake, I certainly hope so.