Bank of America Presents: New Trending Scams To Avoid to Protect Your Account

The security of your account at BofA is the most important thing to us. We have proactively discovered all the new ways that scammers are trying to access your information in order to steal your hard-earned money so that they can buy the newest iPhone to take pornographic selfies to post onto Instagram and OnlyFans. Sluts. Here are the newest ways that scammers are trying to fool you into sharing your account info:

• They hire a professional impressionist to pose as your mother to call you and ask you why you haven't found a new job yet and by the way what's your PIN number

• They post memes on Facebook that say things like: "LIKE if your account number ends in 5574 LOL"

• Instead of "phishing", they actually go fishing and forget about scamming you for a change. It's a good afternoon.

• They start their own bank called Bonk of America, with everything exactly like Bank of America but with the letter "o": stationery, signage, brochures, name tags. Then when you walk in to make a deposit, they say all the things we would say, but with an "o", like "How ore you?" It's creepy and pointless, really, but you gotta admire their initiative.

• They access all six Infinity Stones and change your account and routing number to something that's easily guessed. Gee, you'd think they'd do something more epic with all that power, but nope!

• Some guy shows up at your door claiming to be your long lost cousin Yadduk. You hit it off with him and he starts living in your guest room. In time, he becomes like family and on your deathbed you bequeath to Yadduk your Bank of America account. SCAMMED!

• They try the up-front approach and ask you for $450,000.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

And she thought beef broth wouldn't come in handy for her photoshoot.

Surprisingly, this was an album of latin jazz lullabies.

Some Mandalorian cosplay is better than others.

Okay, okay, I'll buy your album! Stop holding your breath like that!

This Oompa Loompa jammed a little after getting stuck in some quick-drying Wonka Factory cement. 

I get it, but the part that connects her to the Rolls Royce looks like she taking a gravy poo from her front bottom.

Borrowed interest + Christmas = HOTT MIXX TAPE

Ditto as above.

Oh, the hassles of fame demonstrated by someone you've never heard of.

UAG

Lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy.

UAG

A Shout Out

EADJ would like to congratulate Eric Tao on his 20+ lb. weight loss since last June.


The difference is certainly noticeable. Great work, Eric!

*BONUS: Look over at the animated GIF on the right. Eric tells me he's been told he looks like Jon Gosselin. S'true!

Junk 'n Donuts

On a dare from a reader, I agreed to order from that little cart near work that stores donuts at cock-level. If that makes you question this writer's maturity, maybe you shouldn't be reading a blog named "Eat A Dick Joel," smartypants.




Overall, not a harrowing experience, but not a pleasant one either. But at $1 a donut, it's way, way cheaper than ever ordering from that place across the street, Pret A Manger. *shudder*

Minazo, We Hardly Knew Ye.

(AP) Yokohama (Kyodo) Minazo, Japan's largest seal, died this week having charmed visitors for 10 1/2 years at Enoshima Aquarium in Fujisawa Kanagawa Prefecture, aquarium officials said.

Minazo quickly rose to stardom at the aquarium, where his three shows a day proved a hit with visitors. More recently, he became a web phenomenon on ihasabucket.com

Minazo brought such joy to Japanese children. He can only be replaced now by video games, sticker machines, dolls, talking robots, violent game shows, anime, manga, tamagochi, Gundam, panties in vending machines, bubble gum beverages, chillingly deviant pornography, vinyl toys, Hello Kitty, complicated toilets, cosplay, chindogu, karaoke, Dance Dance Revolution, hotels where you sleep in a tube, super-advanced cell phones, drift-car racing, and dressing up like James Dean.

A funeral service will be held on Friday at the Enoshima Mausoleum and Food Court. Celebrities such as Young Jeezy and Tianna, the angora bunny, are expected to attend.

A Mixed Sack of Assorted Items

• Joel will be taking Rosh Hashanah off this week, although he's not Jewish. Instead of observing the holiday, he will be using the time off to masturbate to an old poster of Pierce Brosnan in a speedo. Did I say "to?" I meant "on."


• This EADJ reporter has a new job at an agency in New York. I cannot disclose the name of the agency, but it rhymes with Toucan Cleric's Fun. Those of you who worked at Cramer-Krasselt on the weekend and used the men's bathroom– you remember how horrible that smelled?– well, the bathroom here smells like that ALL THE TIME. A full article on the horrors of the bathrooms at Toucan Cleric's Fun coming soon...


***Pathmark "What Doesn't Belong In This Picture?" answers from last week!***

1. Half-drunk Lipton Brisk in the yams.

2. Top loin steaks in the Juicy Juice.

3. French bread in the cupcake icing.

4. Chicken strips in the Entenmann's Cookies (also accepted Thomas Squares Bagelbread).

5. Junior putter set (which Andrew mistook for a mop) in the Bakery Snacks.

Martha Salvoy from Park Falls, Michigan got all 5 answers right. She wins a snowmobile trip for two to the Apostle Islands, Wisconsin, courtesy of Ski Doo and Kimpex Plastic Skis. Kevin Hudson from Asheville, North Carolina came in second and wins a romantic lunch with actor Don Cheadle at the restaurant of his choice.

(pictured above, the once mighty South Street Seaport, once a historic waterfront with a fish and farmer's market, is now a mall, replete with Curlz)

Let's Flick the Helmet Shaped Tip of the EADJ Mail Sack

In typical Joe Baran fashion, the following entry was submitted by him on Thursday, May 10, a mere five months after it was originally posted.


Hillarious! -Joe