UAG

From The New Jersey Department of Children and Families

You Can't Buy Taste.

I'm an avid SCRABBLE player on my phone. And not too long ago I got an alert that the "Avalon Luxury Kit," brought to you by the Toyota Avalon, was now available in the SCRABBLE store.

"Want to play in style?" Do I want to play a classic board game as if I were a trillionaire? And it's FREE FOR THREE MONTHS? I was curious to see how the 1% plays SCRABBLE differently than the rest of us plebes. So I installed it.

What the Rick Rockwell fart? It looks like someone replaced regular SCRABBLE tiles with chrome lettering hacked off a Ford Focus. And why are all the letters so horizontal? It looks like they're trying to luxuriously take a dump on the board. Which they should because it's a boring gray now with a horsey Toyota badge across the entire board.

I obviously turned that hideous shit off my game and went back to the Classic look. Then a few months later, I got this sad notice:

Aww, too bad. I missed out on the chance to customize my board to resemble a high-end hair salon from the 80s. Maybe I'll browse the SCRABBLE Store and customize my tiles to resemble illegible lettuce leaves, brought to you by Hidden Valley Ranch. 

A Happy Mother's Day Greeting From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

 

 

I did not check the accuracy of this posting. It is however worth knowing.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION

Three women in North Florida turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms. Fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis and finally, death.

There were no outward signs of trauma.

Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Restaurant (Olive Garden) within days of their deaths. The Health Department descended on the restaurant , shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail..

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check.

She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom.

That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove out to the restaurant, went into the restroom and lifted the toilet seat .

Under the seat, out of normal view , was a small spider. The spider was captured and brought back to the lab, where it was determined to be the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later a lawyer from Jacksonville showed up at a hospital emergency room.Before his death, he told the doctor, that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from Indonesia , changing planes in Singapore , before returning home.He did NOT visit (Olive Garden), while there. He did (as did all of the other victims) have what was determined to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock. Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in India .

The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from India and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata)spider's nests on 4 different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be any where in the world .

So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders.
It can save your life!

Please pass this on to everyone you care about.

Computer Speaker Was Undecided.

Computer Speaker was undecided.

Pine Needles On The Sidewalk were both amused and irritated.

Car door latch shrugged it off.

Suburban California House started to weep.

Com Tek laughed maniacally.

And so did Concrete Balcony.

Box of Papers tried to ignore it.

Two Cole Slaws and Two Pickles smiled dumbly.

Flat Toolbox found it all amusing.

Bottom of Cordless Phone was shocked.

Two Rugs On an SUV was appalled.

Two Toilet Paper Rolls On The John was speechless.

Two Coasters and a Remote didn't know what to say.

Steam Iron laughed it off as a fluke.

Highway Pylon laughed from the safety of a partition.

Stepladder ROFL'd.

Highway Partitions were all shocked, down the line.

Bike Helmet was drunk.

Road Pylon cracked an inappropriate joke about it all...

... but Bathroom Stall Bracket was too dumb to get it.

New York City. The Most Exciting City On Earth

Pictured below, a man helps a woman with her coat's zipper (or is the woman helping the man with his coat's zipper?). Either way, we are the world.

Hell Oh Hell

If there's anything that people type online that makes them sound like a blithering idiot, it's "LOL." Now, we understand it's a nice, shorthand way to express that you "laughed out loud," but it's come into such overuse by morons on Facebook and YouTube over the smallest, dumbest things, that you're better off just typing "hahaha" or "hey, that was really funny."


So we did a little experiment. We took some sage quotes from some history's greatest thinkers and added "lol" at the end to see if they sounded any dumber:


"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever LOL."
-- Gandhi


"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself LOL."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson


"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us LOL."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes


"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself LOL."
-- Leo Tolstoy


"The search for truth is more precious than its possession LOL."
-- Albert Einstein


Yep. They all sound like idiots now.

The ProofrEADJer, January Edition

Breakfast.

Not to be outdone by KFC's Double Down chicken-as-the-bread sandwich, IHOP announced their new Pancake Stackers, where cheesecake turds are sandwiched between pancakes with fruit and a dollop of whipped cream on top.

"Customers can now enjoy pancakes– an already unhealthy, carby breakfast– with unnecessarily sweet fruit topping and a super-high calorie dessert in between," said Helen Trenton, VP of Marketing, "Pour some lingonberry syrup on top of all that, and PanCAKES with cheeseCAKE will now be the biggest pigfucker breakfast on the planet!"

Mrs. Trenton then gagged and gave a doctor the finger.

Eat a Dickfer, Joelfer

You know those Swiffer commercials where women are having a heart-to-heart with someone offscreen, and it's later revealed that they're actually talking to a goddamned MOP?! BWAHAHAHA!! Joel wrote those!

My favorite in the series is the one where a female executive is about to fire someone, telling them their work has "gotten sloppy" and whatnot, and it turns out to be a MOP instead of an employee!!!!! Fuckin' classic, man! How does Joel do it?

But I saw on YouTube recently a Swiffer ad that I hadn't seen. It was one where this woman is talking to what you're supposed to think is her son. "Why are you eating so much dick? You're disappointing me with how much dick you're chugging on a daily basis. I can't even park in the driveway anymore!" And the camera pans over, and it's JOEL sitting there!!! Must be a director's cut or something.

(pictured above, Dean loses a bet with Brian Bennett over the proper usage of "affect" vs "effect.")