Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On Names of Pizza Hut Gourmet Pizzas

Everybody knows that Hollywood is plum fresh out of new script ideas. Recently representatives from Sony Pictures, Legendary Pictures, DreamWorks and others showed up at a Union, NJ Pizza Hut to grab a menu and green-light the titles of the latest pizzas into feature film properties. Here now are some of their offerings, due for release in 2017 (all with strict Pizza Hut promotional tie-ins):

"Garden Party" starring John C. Reilly, Russell Brand, and Laura Prepon.
A down-on-his-luck landscaper (Reilly) is mistaken for a reclusive rock star (Brand) and becomes the latest YouTube sensation, scoring millions of hits for his ukulele covers of chart topping hits. Also starring Clark Duke as the major label intern who knows what's up.

"Old Fashioned Meatbrawl" starring Wesley Snipes, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Randy Couture and John Cena. Four badass Pizza Hut employees avenge their murdered manager and go on an ass-whipping, pie-topping rampage to find the killers. Alison Williams stars as Peter Pan Pizza.

"Pretzel Piggy" directed by Tim Burton, starring Adam Driver, Zoe Saldana, Minnie Driver and Bill Murray.
A stop-motion adventure starring a twisted pork flavored pretzel (Murray) his potato chip friends (the Drivers) and a sexy, salty cheese puff (Saldana). Soundtrack by (surprise!) JOHN WILLIAMS!

"Buffalo State Of Mind" starring Julianne Moore, John Hurt and Charlotte Rampling.
This very serious movie about a very adult subject captures the human spirit and the uplifting triumph of... well, whattaya know, an Oscar already!?

"Cock-A-Doodle Bacon" starring Julianne Moore, John Hurt and Charlotte Rampling.
This wacky crowd-pleaser is simply "Buffalo State Of Mind" re-edited with CG dicks and pieces of bacon, voiced by Patton Oswalt and Demetri Martin.

"7-Alarm Fire" starring Casey Affleck, Anthony Mackie and Amanda Seyfried.

A disaster movie set in the row-houses of Boston, this chronicles a young firefighter (Affleck) and how he overcomes racism to save a dozen neighborhoods. Special visual effects by Digital Domain.

"Sweet Sriracha Dynamite" starring Kevin James, Sofia Vergara, Andy Samberg and Rob Schneider. Directed by Adam McKay.

A bumbling suburban slob (James) switches bodies with a hot Latina supermodel and starts a grass-roots scholarship fund to send young but less fortunate hispanic women to college. Dynamite!

"Skinny With A Kick" starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Adrien Brody.

Think "Bloodsport" without muscles. Two skinny white men start a bare-knuckles fighting championship, but only a confused exchange student and two stray dogs join. Directed by "Corrina, Corrina" director Jessie Nelson.

EADJ's Exclusive Interview With Jillian Michaels' Left Nostril

Eat A Dick Joel recently had the opportunity to sit down with the left nostril of Jillian Michaels, the celebrity fitness trainer from the NBC hit reality show "The Biggest Loser." We interviewed Michaels' left nostril at the Chateau Marmont in Beverly Hills on December 20th.

EADJ: Thanks for sitting down with us.

JMLN: No problem.

EADJ: We've noticed Jillian Michaels isn't with you today.

JMLN: Yes, Jillian is on a media tour promoting the next season of "Losing It With Jillian." I myself had some prior commitments, such as this interview.

EADJ: Well, thank you for that. How has her success affected your relationship with her?

JMLN: (laughs) That's probably the first question I get at every interview. I'm happy for Jillian and don't begrudge her at all. So when people read some of my Tweets (@JillianMichaelsLeftNostril) or overhear me say something about keeping up with her, they automatically think that she and I are on the rocks. That couldn't be anything further from the truth!

EADJ: But you do have your differences...

JMLN: I'm going to just stop you there and say this: when you have two big personalities like hers and mine, you can't help but have a few clashes once in a while. But I realize I'm her left nostril. She can't breathe without me...

EADJ: Actually, she could, from her mouth or her right nostril...

JMLN: (flares) ...My point is that I need her and she needs me. We have a mutual respect for each other and are not staying together just for appearances.


EADJ: I see. So tell us about your own personal projects.

JMLN: Ah, yes. Well, I have my own line of liqueurs and fragrances, and I've just taped a cameo appearance on the NBC show "Whitney."

EADJ: Ooh! I love that show!

JMLN: Also, I'm in talks for the role of the Scarlet Witch in "The Avengers 2" movie (crosses fingers) and I have been asked to ring the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange next month.


EADJ: Wow. It sounds like you do have a full plate.

JMLN: I know, right? Fame is a funny thing. (picks self)

EADJ: Thank you so much for talking to us today! And give Jillian a hug for us!

JMLN:My pleasure! Thank you!

Dick To the Future

An unconfirmed source has leaked that Joel was unceremoniously dropped as spokesman for Glide Comfort Plus Dental Floss.

Representatives and lawyers from Crest Corporation held a conference at a Chili's Express in Audobon, New Jersey.

"Joel has been an exemplary figurehead for getting big chunks of meat from between his teeth," said attorney Myron Noodleman, "Glide Comfort Plus has been lucky to have his services for the last 8 months, but we feel that we're being pigeonholed as purely a dick floss due to the association with Joel."

Crest has opted to honor the contract with Joel and pay him the twelve crates of dick without him having to film any more commercials or make any more appearances at malls.

Joel has since started negotiations with a local toothpick company, Woodflickers.

(pictured above, through the magic of modern technology– and with a little help from MIS– Dean picks boogers from 700 miles away)