"Great Works Are Performed Not By Strength, But Pathmark."

If it pees, eat it.

The following are questions from a psychological test that Joel took while applying for a job at Jack In the Box:

YES/NO Do you feel sad or depressed?
YES/NO Feel easily tired or distracted?
YES/NO Do I make you horny?
YES/NO Do you have tense muscles or problems sleeping?
YES/NO Do you ever think about eating dick?
YES/NO Admit it. You do think about eating dick, right?
YES/NO Joel. We're talking to you.
YES/NO Joel.
YES/NO Fine. Don't answer.
YES/NO Do you ever feel exhausted after eating dick?
YES/NO Do you think that maybe you might be eating too much dick?
YES/NO It's not that we're judging you or anything. Maybe you should just cut back a little.
YES/NO Do you feel worthless or guilty?
YES/NO Do you feel angry?
YES/NO Do you sometimes get so angry that you want to garrotte that goddamn receptionist's neck?
YES/NO Do you ever want to hurt yourself?
YES/NO Do you ever have thoughts about hurting yourself?
YES/NO Can we hurt you?
YES/NO Please?
YES/NO Would you like to hurt us?
YES/NO Hey, where are you going?
YES/NO
YES/NO
YES/NO Asshole.

(pictured above, a spectacular display of swooping, organic lines surrounding a sucking, cavernous venue, and a stage)

Not on the same page

A heated argument broke out between Joel and his chimp servant this morning.

It all began when the chimp served Joel his usual breakfast of a Western frittata with a side of dick. Joel pointed out that his side of dick wasn't as large or dicky as it usually is. The chimp servant responded by stabbing Joel in the neck with a paring knife.

Joel suffered a mild rupture of the carotid artery, resulting in the loss of 8 pints of blood. The chimp servant expressed regret to Joel as it drove him to a nearby animal hospital. It even promised to buy more dick on the way home.

The hospital serves no dick after 11am, so Joel is still without dick as we speak.

(pictured above, Nikki explains to Dean in detail what a pap smear is.)