A Staggeringly Terrible Choice For a Visual

Someone picked the absolute worst image for this sign's message. 🦠

Creeeeeeepy

 Found on Facebook:

That's gotta be A.I. art and not photography, right? Unless my man found some giraffe of a woman. Geez.

What Your School Picture Green Screen Background Choice Says About You

It's picture time at school again. And this year, for only $5, you can digitally add a beautiful and exciting background to your school portrait! Failing that, you can choose one of these five. Here's what these background choices say about you as a person:

A) Greenery and concrete: You will do so poorly in school that you'll end up living under a bridge near the woods.

B) Vegas strip lights: Your future job: prostitute

C) Hazy woods: They will never find your body no matter how many times they comb the area.

D) Purple blurry background: Someone slipped you a mickey and your friends left already.

E) Boring, safe painted background: You are boring.

UAG

Cheapo Construction Companies

The other week we had an entry that featured a poster with some safety site icons:

Then earlier today I was doing a search for stock imagery for warning signs for work, when I came across these same icons on a free website:

Hmm. I guess using free stock imagery for posters is a lot cheaper than chaining undocumented graphic designers to a radiator and making them crank out six quality icons that can stand out at 20 feet. It's just economics.

What The Man On the Box For An Outdoor Mat Is Thinking

You little shit.

You think just because you're 3 years old and adorable, you can hog the whole shoot? Well, I hate to break it to you, kid, but this isn't a photoshoot for a "kids only outdoor mat." No sirree. We are supposed to depict a family of three together on the mat. This isn't your big break or a springboard to your own Netflix series, you little twerp.

Oh, I do see your real mommy standing by the craft service table (which I'm surprised they even have for a still shoot, impressive!) coaching you to emote and exude and act the part or whatever, but face it, kid. This is not an acting gig- we are mannequins who look the fucking part.

At least they think we look the part. You actually look a little Asian to me, so I guess Martha here and me adopted you or kidnapped you or whatever. I'm not sure about the backstory here. What I do know is that I will strangle you with this sock monkey if you ruin this for me. I sure as hell need this $75, and you turning this into "Star Search" isn't going to help me any.

"Star Search." It's a talent show from way back. Forget it.

EADJ Masthead Update

The sidebar gif was submitted by Mollusk Award recipient John Reid.

And in response, the above masthead was submitted by Joel via http://makeitstranger.com.

I like how it didn't occur to Joel to just spell the whole thing out, but his version is better.

A Bunch Of Dumb Things Paparazzi Often Say To Celebrities

"Over here!"

"Happy Rosh Hashanah, Mr. Clooney!"

"Are you ever reuniting with Sean Penn?"

"Is that a cold sore?"

"Over here! Over here! Over here! What are you famous for, again?"

"What are your thoughts on German Chancellor Angela Merkel?"

"Show us your pussy!"

"Did you kill Heath Ledger?"

"I really liked your tits in 'Glee.'"

"Your fly is open. Psyche!"

"Look into my camera hole!"

"¿Cómo te llamas?"

"Mom?"

"Pizza delivery over here! Not really!" click

"Aren't you Sheldon from 'Big Bang Theory?' I hate that show."

"Taylor Swift, could you get out of the way? Rosie O' Donnell's behind you."

"That's it. Arch your back, Mr. Aiken!"

"These are gonna be the best shots of you in sweatpants, I swear!"

"I really enjoyed your performance in 'Norbert.'"

"Show us your ballsack!"

"Is that an Oscar-nominated vanilla latte you're holding?"

"Wow, you're even hotter when you're trying to hit me with your car!"

"Look over here! Look over here! I'm sitting on your cat!"

"This is a bottom feeder's job, and I'm just right for it!"

"Over here, Mr. Zmed!"

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, Gary. Lean forward a little bit and let Hannah rest her head on your shoulder... yes, like that. There."

"I got a question, Quentin."

"Yes, Gary?"

"What will this be used for?"

"Try not to move, Gary. Um, this photo will be a used as stock photography. Hannah dear, try turning your head to the left more. Your left..."

"Stock photography? I thought this was for something specific."

"Nope. The contract says 'general use,' which means these shots we're taking will be offered for whatever a paying client would like to use them for."

"What about a model release? Don't they need my permission to use the photos?"

"That was part of your contract with me. You and Hannah have already signed over model rights for these shots. That was what you signed before I cut the checks."

"Quentin? My neck is starting to hurt."

"Sorry, Hannah. Lean back a little more, but keep your eyes where they are."

"Wait. So that means they could use this photo of me and Hannah for anything, like an NRA ad or a brochure for herpes? Or God forbid, for target shooting practice for a hate group?"

"Um, hate groups don't usually use stock photography, I don't think."

"But you're saying we have no control over what these photos will be used for."

"Right. But you cashed your check already, right?"

"Yes, but..."

click!

An Open Letter To The Real Scott Peterson

Hi Scott


How are you. I am fine. Just wanted you to know about a disturbing email I received this afternoon. It appears that there's someone online who is trying to use your good name to make a living as a still life photographer. Just thought you should know that they are trying to profit by impersonating you, Scott Peterson.

I do realize that you're a filmmaker, and although you work with cameras and have a good eye for shots, this probably isn't you. I suggest you lawyer up and take this "Wetter, Thirstier Version Of Scott Peterson" for everything he is. This is a big world, yet it's very, very unlikely that there are any other people by the unique name of Scott Peterson out there.

Love,

EADJ

Have I Found Her?

Way, way back in April 2007, I found this random photo developed along with my own at a CVS:


Fast forward five years to the American Airlines Admiral's Club in St. Louis. And after I've had six beers. Mein Gott, I think I've spotted her!





Chalk it up to my photographic memory and devotion to this blog. Or either attribute it to my drunk ass sadly surfing my own blog at an airport. But you have to admit, there is a resemblance. Why she would keep the same hairstyle after 5 years doesn't make a lot of sense, but hell, I've done it.

Some would point out that the girl at the airport doesn't have that birthmark on her left cheek like the girl in the photo. But she easily could've had that removed with laser surgery or a pen knife.


I dunno. I'm pretty convinced I could work for the FBI.

An IM Convo

Click to enlarge

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, now look into the camera with some intensity... that's it. More intense, like this is all about the rugged outdoors, with danger, disaster and the triumph of sheer will-power... Nice, that's better! But don't look angry now, I want you to be intense but not resentful. Just a slow, intense burn.

"Now, don't arch your brow too much, because that makes you look quizzical– and you're not. You know exactly what you're doing. This is all about control, and you are the boss in this situation. You are the chieftain. The alpha male. That's better! Yes! YES! That is a PERFECT LOOK for this shot. You look absolutely fierce and dangerous now!... Oh and you holding the fish, you look good, too."

Let's Spend All Our Money Trying To Pick Up the EADJ Mail Sack in the Arcade Claw Machine!

Submitted by Mel Kreilein, Governor Rod Blogojevich ain't got nuthin' on the National Rent-a-Car clerk in San Francisco.

SHIT! FALSE ALARM!

Mere days after we first made contact with Jerald, we received an email this morning that got our hearts aflutter:


But closer inspection revealed it wasn't an email from Jerald Johnson, world traveler. It was from GERALD JANSSEN, advertising photographer. FUCK!


You can peruse Gerald Janssen's portfolio here, but this is cool, too.

Eat a Dickfer, Joelfer

You know those Swiffer commercials where women are having a heart-to-heart with someone offscreen, and it's later revealed that they're actually talking to a goddamned MOP?! BWAHAHAHA!! Joel wrote those!

My favorite in the series is the one where a female executive is about to fire someone, telling them their work has "gotten sloppy" and whatnot, and it turns out to be a MOP instead of an employee!!!!! Fuckin' classic, man! How does Joel do it?

But I saw on YouTube recently a Swiffer ad that I hadn't seen. It was one where this woman is talking to what you're supposed to think is her son. "Why are you eating so much dick? You're disappointing me with how much dick you're chugging on a daily basis. I can't even park in the driveway anymore!" And the camera pans over, and it's JOEL sitting there!!! Must be a director's cut or something.

(pictured above, Dean loses a bet with Brian Bennett over the proper usage of "affect" vs "effect.")