Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 20: "Santa's Little Helper" Starring Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, Paige, & Annalynne McCord

I have to start here by wondering aloud- Who is this movie for? It's got Santa and elves, so it could be a kid's movie, but then there are vomit jokes, crotch shots and sexual innuendo, so it could be for teenagers. Then it stars Annalynne McCord from the old 90210 show and the pro wrestlers "The Miz" and Paige, it could be for Millennials or really dumb adults. I dunno man. It's produced by WWE, so it must be some kind of resume builder for somebody. I'd stop short of calling it a vanity project for The Miz, because he looks like a jackass in this. They all do, really. I feel like a jackass reviewing it.

Plot summary: "After getting fired from his job, a slick, fast-talking businessman (The Miz) is thrown into an elf competition to become Santa¹s next second-in-command. Put through a series of rigorous training exercises to prepare for the contest, The Miz and another aspiring elf go head-to-head in the hopes of becoming Santa's Little Helper."

Romance Factor: 5 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 5 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 1:26:25

Six Lies Told By The Alexandria Ghost & Graveyard Tour Brochure

1) It's not so much an 18th Century costumed guide by lantern light as it is a bored Alexandria high school student in a bonnet checking her texts.

2) "At the tour's end your guide will abandon you in a graveyard!" What fun is abandonment if you're going to announce it? Weak.

3) "This tour contains content that could be considered of a sensational nature and may not be suitable for all parties." Translation: HOT COLONIAL ORGIES

4) Friday's no good for me. How about the next Wednesday for a good fake haunting?

5) Colonial-costumed = foam tricorner hat and an untucked frilly shirt

6) Scanning this QR code actually transports you back to 2005 when that technology was considered cool.

------------------------

Eat A Dick Joel, in collaboration with GNC Nutrition, is happy to announce the launch of the Six Lies Told Whey Protein Meal Supplement Packets, exclusively for sale at GNC, Target, CVS, Walgreens, Hobby Lobby, Walmart, Costco, and the Vitamin Shoppe.

Build muscle, bulk up on probiotics and load up on essential amino acids with this gluten-free collection of delicious organic powders. Flavors come in tangerine, kiwi, fried chicken, malaise, and bison cum.

UAG

Let's Pull Our Collective Heads Out of the EADJ Mail Sack!

This photo was submitted by Andrew Gall via text:

To read more about Myron Noodleman, Prince of Baseball, in this blog, click here.

And this completely unsurprising text message from Mig Ponce:

A Brief Message From The National Book Council

Reading on a Nook makes you look like an asshole.


This has been a brief message from the National Book Council.

Indiana Jones and The Curse Of Not Being Able To Eat Lunch In Peace Anywhere

Spotted in a noodle shop on 50th Street: a photo on the wall reveals that Indiana Jones wasn't as happy to see Short Round again as one would think.


The thing that's truly amazing about this photo is that whoever took it totally captured the midpoint between a smile and a frown on Harrison Ford's face. I mean, his eyes are kind of smiling, but his mouth just sort of gave up.


Try this fun bonus trick: Look at the photo, and you can sort of see him smiling. Now look away, then look back at him. He's not smiling anymore!


These noodles are chewy. Get it?!?

Relevant link

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Pool Noodles

Today we put the hate on the floating abomination that is the pool noodle.

Word has it, this is the only floating toy accepted in public pools and water parks nowadays. The larger lounge-type rafts are prohibited because I guess dumb kids can be caught underneath one? Or that the rafts are considered too big for a publicly shared space? Whatever the reason, the shitty flaccid pool noodle is now here to stay to "teach you to swim."


Now, how exactly are you supposed to learn how to swim while straddling with a big flaccid floating dong? Number one, I think that's sick, and number two, I just peed in the pool again. Feel that warmth.



The only fun that can be had with a pool noodle is out of the water, where you're beating the piss out of your friends while they're trying to hold a margarita and tell you about their new timeshare in Belize. Take that, boring conversation!

Dickens Side Joel

Cleanup time.

Joel woke up at 7am this morning to find himself naked amongst spent firecrackers, piles of half-eaten dick, and a coupon for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut. Needless to say, he had a lot of tidying up to do before his parole officer swung by at 3. Luckily his chimp servant was on hand to sweep all the ashes and dick into the apartment complex pool which was ashy and dicky already.

Officer Myron Noodleman came by to check up on Joel to make sure he hadn't been doing drugs or using the internet to scam old ladies out of their hard-earned dick. Everything was in order, so the meeting was brief, civil and without incident.

It was a good thing that Officer Noodleman hadn't checked the attic crawlspace, however. Joel would have had a lot of explaining to do with 30 castrated sheep carcasses, each wearing a cutout mask of Nick Lachey. Lucky Joel!

(pictured above, some part-time CKers fill in for everyone who's off for the holiday)

Dick To the Future

An unconfirmed source has leaked that Joel was unceremoniously dropped as spokesman for Glide Comfort Plus Dental Floss.

Representatives and lawyers from Crest Corporation held a conference at a Chili's Express in Audobon, New Jersey.

"Joel has been an exemplary figurehead for getting big chunks of meat from between his teeth," said attorney Myron Noodleman, "Glide Comfort Plus has been lucky to have his services for the last 8 months, but we feel that we're being pigeonholed as purely a dick floss due to the association with Joel."

Crest has opted to honor the contract with Joel and pay him the twelve crates of dick without him having to film any more commercials or make any more appearances at malls.

Joel has since started negotiations with a local toothpick company, Woodflickers.

(pictured above, through the magic of modern technology– and with a little help from MIS– Dean picks boogers from 700 miles away)