A Few More Theories

• It is Lil' Marshall, one of three lovable new characters on the new cartoon series BABY C-KERS! Watch Lil' Karen and "SweePea" Krivkovich get all pitchcrazy with Lil' Dean, Teenage Phil May and "Spider-Boy" in tow! Special appearances by Lil' Kat McGrath, The CKPR clubhouse gang, and the infant Joe Nudelman (don't laugh)!

• "marshall ross was recently in NY for an ad club ceremony. marshall ross has joined hairclub for men, and will now be seen in their commercials swimming with his shirt off. he also bought a coonskin cap, but the hair growth and the cap counteract each other to the point where no one knows where one ends and the other begins." -from Andrew Gall

• It is actually a trompe l'oeil, or "trick of the eye" due to solar flares, pollution haze and a hanging coonskin cap.

• Computers?

A Title Other Than "Separated At Birth"

(pictured left to right, Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) and Moses Schrute from NBC's The Office)

Is he back?

A recent trip to Jewel gleaned this flyer from a pile of coupons at the front of the store:


Now, I don't know who the fuck the Kane County Cougars are, or even where Kane County is, but they obviously have a shitload to do during baseball games: fireworks, giveaways, skydivers, and almost nonstop entertainment by an overworked Jake the Diamond Dog who wears a towel. You'd think the Kane County mascot would be a 40ish woman in gold lamé hitting on college dudes.

But one particular entry caught this EADJ editor's eye:


This raises some important questions. Who is Myron Noodleman? What is it that he does IN the game– make balloon animals, throw firecrackers at strollers, dry hump the other mascots? Is what he does related to ThunderStixx™? And most importantly, is Myron related to our former video dude Joe Nudelman (don't laugh)?


Maybe Myron IS Joe in full makeup. Or maybe Myron is Joe from the future, trying to warn Joe not to build that time machine, because it creates a dystopian alternate reality where the Zooperstars perform on Sunday May 27th instead of Saturday May 26th. Theories abound.

Joe Nudelman. A Fond Remembrance.

Pictured above, Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) in a moment of repose. This reminds me of an old 1961 George Tames photo of JFK:

Farewell, Sweet Nudelman.

(The following is, sadly, the last in-house entry of "In the Nude" by Joe Nudelman, who for the last six months has been a major contriubutor to Eat a Dick Joel:)

Today I’ve decided to write a worthy tribute to the arguably most awesomest weapon ever forged by the gods: The trident!


This glorious piece of weaponry is as deadly as it is versatile. The use of the Trident has spanned over the course of all time, spanning universes, species, and mythology.


Did you know that more things have been poked by the tips of a trident than the overall number of thrusts with a trident over the course of our history? Approximately three holes have been punctured for every single thrust, talk about efficiency! Bet your stupid gun can’t hit three things with only one bullet… HA!
Tridents have played a glorious role in the development of our modern society. Ancient warriors and rulers of sea wielded the mighty ‘Tri-Cornered Spear’ (as it was referred to in the time of Scurvy). Many might argue that had it not been for this spectacular bit of weaponry, that the Navy as we know may not have ever received permission to traverse the glorious ocean that covers our planet, and we would be forced to become land isolated, living in caves, and likely turning to cannibalism in the absence of wonderful silks and spices that could be found just on the other side of the pond. I pledge my loyalty to those brave ancient souls and salute thee who created the wondrous trident.


The trident paved the way for many things. From useful things such as forks, sporks, and walking sticks. And to things we could probably do without, such as sporks, this article, and that crappy Trident Gum commercial where that bitch is stranded on that island, and the gum makes her teeth shine so bright that it attracts a plane to rescue her. That commercial sucks almost as much as this article! Stupid, just stupid.


In conclusion, tridents are awesome and they are bigger and better than you or I. Respect them or face the consequences.

In other news, today (Friday May 4th) is my last day here at C-K. I’ve enjoyed my time with most all of you (all 3 who read this to be sure), and despite the lack of a respectable amount of pay the company here makes it a bit frustrating and difficult to leave. There was a compliment in that previous sentence.

And my last conversation with Sergio will probably incite a rage inside my bowels that will likely lead to a desire to murder adorable babies and puppies, no matter how mine they are, every time I think about it. Seriously, I went from liking him, to going somewhere between loathing and homicidal thoughts, I actively dislike this man. But I digress.

I’ve enjoyed my time with you all and wish you well. If anyone would wish to contact me, my email address is joenudelman@hotmail.com.

Catch y’all on the flip!

-Joe Nudelman

"In the Nude," Sue McCloskey, We Hardly Knew Ye

(The following is the third entry of the popular series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

Local Heroes: Sue McCloskey

Today we remember those brave souls who gave their lives for the benefit of others. Little (or ‘whittle’ as she was often called) Sue McCloskey died tragically as she tried to save, unsuccessfully, her whittle wed twicycle from being run over by the big bad garbage truck.

These words were over heard at her funeral yesterday:

“What? Hmm..? Oh, I was here to visit my dear aunt. But that’s terrible.”
- John Borden, Town Mayor

“I like tricycles”
- Karl Johnson, CEO Tricycles Inc.

“What the hell do we need garbage trucks for anyways?”
-Karen McCloskey, Sue’s Mother

“I’m not dead, I’m really okay. No, really… I mean my leg’s broke, but I’m fine”
Sue McCloskey, 1996 – 2007

Tis a sad day indeed. Sue was an active member in the local community, contributing to local establishments such as Ron’s Big Time Candy Shoppe and Auto Detail, and Family Video with earnest. Karen and Arnold, Sue’s bereaved parents, have opened up a charity in memory of their sweet sweet wittle baby waby Sue.

"In The Nude," Part 2 of an ongoing series

(The following is the second entry of a new occasional series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

"Avalanches Blow"

Avalanches: The Very Loud Killer… The Distinctly Audible Killer… okay… The Ridiculously Loud Killer. Screaming is often met with the unspeakable experience of withstanding the wrath of the mountains. As scary as such an occurrence may be, screaming at the horrific sight will only inspire more deadly, snow covered, carnage to rain upon your otherwise totally awesome Spring Break party weekend with totally hot babes skiing in two pieces for apparently no reason, and you’ve got to out-ski the opposing camp for rule of the slopes!

Avalanches have claimed 484 fatalities upon the American populous since 1985, these natural disasters are not to be confused with the recording artist ‘The Avalanches’ (note the ‘s’ denoting plural). These guys are totally decent musicians, if you like that sort of thing.

Now come on, 484 fatalities is nothing. 484!? Please. I’ve racked up at least 539 on Mortal Kombat. Granted those are compounded numbers following the entirety of the video game series, and greatly serve as evidence of an otherwise unfulfilling childhood. But nonetheless those numbers still impress. What is even more is that Mortal Kombat SUCKED! I mean seriously, why would you play a 2D fighting game where you have to press a stupid button to block? Really!?

Street Fighter was a WAAAAY better series, that kicked as much ass as Blanka beating the crap out of Chun-Li (I remember her being a lot hotter)

No stupid buttons for blocking in this game, just hold the back direction. The game series was also a whole lot better than that stupid movie, which will unfortunately stand forever as the last work of totally decent actor Raul Julia.

In short, Avalanches may SEEM big and scary, but don’t fret too much. I’m really good at video games and Avalanches don’t scare me a lick.

Catch y’all on the flip! –Joe Nudelman

"In the Nude," A New EADJ Feature by Joel Nudelman

(The following is the first entry of a new occasional series by guest writer Joe Nudelman – don't laugh.)

"Searching for control: A Whale of a Tale"

I was slouching on my couch the other evening, relaxing and watching a typically touching and laugh invoking installment of Scrubs on Comedy Central. Dr. Cox (John C. McGinley) was giving J.D. (Zach Braff) the most difficult of times for something both hilarious and medical related. Much to my dismay, the show decided it needed a bit of a break and started running commercials. As much as I enjoy watching promos for The Naked Trucker and T-Bone Show, I gasped as I realized that I was missing Scrubs, you know on the ‘My Network’ (Channel 8 on most Comcast Cable Providers). How could I possibly miss another difficultly forgettable moment of the show RottenTomatoes.com calls: “NBC has dropped the ball completely when promoting Scrubs…” while I sat there mindlessly watching ads in between bits of Scrubs? I obviously had to get as much Scrubs in me as possible… stat! I guess.

I like Scrubs, a lot, so I quickly reached to the couch cushion adjacent to me to grab Remy the remote only to discover that he had gone! I quickly threw my beer against the wall in panic, then soon regretted it. I frantically turned over couch cushions and coffee table(s) looking for my dear remote. I had to hurry, if I didn’t Scrubs would return before I had a chance to catch a moment of Scrubs. Finally, I started to prod and poke underneath the couch itself, I was desperate. I shoved the quarter and the Prilosec OTC I found into my jammies and kept digging. Then “BAM”, I said looked around and said it again “BAM BAM”, ‘why was I saying this?’ I thought.

Next thing I know I’m hurling towards what I can only assume to be an alternate dimension of some sort of foreign and scary reality. ‘YAAARRGGHH’ I thought, “why did I think that?” “I’m speaking pretty calmly, you know, considering the circumstances”. I’m falling down a seemingly endless pit of blackness, and then I start to see it, a basketball game? The Lakers were beating the Bulls 64-48 in the third quarter, and I found myself sitting in the second row behind the Chicago bench. ‘This is weird’ I thought, ‘The players don’t seem to be wearing traditional uniforms’. The players didn’t actually even look like basketball players either, mostly shorter white men, who, most certainly, can’t jump.

Looking around at the players I noticed they looked familiar. ‘Oh my god’ I thought, ‘That’s Samuel L. Jackson’ Sammy looked like a badass as to be expected, then I noticed ‘John Travolta?’, there was Kevin Costner who looked really pensive, Ray Liotta looked tired and Burt Lancaster looked really old (or dead). Jennifer Connelly was hot as always and she was riding a mechanical horsey, surrounded by pubescent boys and sweating old men, eagerly feeding quarters. Christian Bale was guarding Kevin Spacey in the backcourt, both of them seemed awkwardly out of place to me.

Sam Jackson drained a three and as he sprinted back to play some ‘D’ he turned to me and yelled: “’Sup Whaley?”. I nodded in confusion “Whaley?” I said, “Whaley, Whaley”. ‘What did I just say I thought? I could’ve sworn I meant to say ‘that’s weird’ and it came out as ‘Whaley Whaley’’. “Whaley” I said again ‘Oh my god’ I thought ‘all I can say is ‘Whaley’’! I tried to scream “WHHAALLEEEEEYYY”, everyone started looking at me, I was sweating profusely and suddenly the basketball game, which was being very poorly played by the way, there were 6 turnovers that occurred all in the time that it took me to start screaming, had come to a stop and all the players were looking inquisitively in my direction.

I quickly punched the old woman next to me and started rummaging through her purse, I grabbed her make-up mirror and gazed upon myself. ‘Oh my god’ I thought, yet I said “Whaley Whaley Whaley”, ‘I’m Frank Whaley’! I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but I was in the body of Frank Whaley, oft forgotten ‘character’ actor. I had to get out of there, I found myself crawling over the people next to me “Whaley” I kept saying.


Screaming , I ran towards the exits, locked! Everyone was looking at me, security and Benny the Bull were chasing me throughout the Staples Arena. Every time I tried to call for help or explain the situation all I could say was “Whaley”. I had to end it, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I didn’t want to think what prison would be like in such a place. I grabbed a knife from a hotdog stand and jammed it right into my eye. “WHAALLLLLEY” I shouted again. ‘Why the hell did I just do that, that hurt, a lot, that was really stupid’ I thought to myself. I fell to the floor and covered my eye socket, sobbing.

I wonder what sort of wacky antics Turk and J.D. are up to right now?

COMING UP IN THE NEXT 'IN THE NUDE': A hell of a lot less copy.

MOTHERFUCKING PROOF!!!!!!!

Through the miracle of cell phone camera technology, Todd Crisman has provided video proof of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson. Meanwhile, the Dow does a 180 and climbs 4000 points to reach an unprecedented 16,000. Horses start talking. Water becomes currency. JAG reruns become awesome.

The reaction has been overwhelming:

"OMG SFVOSP" - Joe Nudelman

"I'd somehow always imagined him taller and thinner." - Scott Peterson

"Dude, man, this is HUGE!!!" - Todd Crisman

"Omigod, I've never seen a shorter, fatter Scott Peterson in my life!" - Emily Sander

"I'm surprised the site didn't crash today. biggest news ever. This is a true milestone." - Andrew Gall

¢¢¢ SFVOSP: DEVELOPING STORY ¢¢¢

The Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was briefly spotted when an elevator stopped on the 22nd floor of 225 North Michigan. A witness glimpsed him when an elevator stopped on 22. The doors to an opposite elevator were closing and he could be seen very, very briefly. He remains very elusive.

What this means:

1) The SFVOSP definitely works in this building.

2) The SFVOSP likely works in the same elevator bank as Cramer-Krasselt.

3) The SFVOSP probably works on the 22nd floor.

4) Joe Nudelman (don't laugh), Andrew Gall, Larry Liss, Todd Crisman, and David Estoye are not delusional.

More to come as this story develops.

(picture above, a witness' rendition of the SFVOSP as seen from the elevator)

Now is the time for all good Joels to eat dick.

The untimely death of Tianna has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry. The English Angora rabbit, bred by Betty Chu and most known for her All Breed Best In Show win in 2003, was found unconscious in her cage yesterday afternoon and died in hospital later that night. Joel gave a heartfelt eulogy at a memorial service at Hubbel's Pet Store on Sunset Blvd. Through tears, he recounted how Tianna gave him his big break and nurtured him into the big dick-eater that he is today.

"I can't begin to tell you how much Tianna has meant to me. Every dick I eat reminds me of her."

Joel then had to be helped away from the podium because he had almost fainted.

"This would make a great plotline for a screenplay I could write if anybody's interested..." Joel said before collapsing.

The medical examiner now performing an autopsy on the body of Tianna says he hopes to release preliminary information later today. The pet and former County Fair winner died Thursday at the age of 4. Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) has also been asked to speak at her funeral.

SHORTER FATTER VERSION- BLACK & WHITE UPDATE

(The ongoing saga of the elusive Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson continues. This entry is by guest writer Joe Nudelman (don't laugh), who graciously provided us with his take on the recent dearth of SFVOSP sightings. This entry is in black and white to hearken back to the romantic days of film noir.)

The shorter and fatter version of our beloved (term used loosely) Scott Peterson has proven to be quite elusive, and therefore much more cunning than might have otherwise been assumed. He has been spotted, both rarely and briefly, in the lobby in the general vicinity of the elevators. One can only assume due to the subjects’ stout stature that he frequents such fine eating establishments as Sbarro and Dunkin’ Donuts. Both businesses are within short range of the elevators, and could prove to be prime locales to camp in hopes of catching a glimpse of the ‘Shorter & Fatter Scott Peterson’.

It is my personal theory that the Shorter & Fatter Scott Peterson (above) has proven quite difficult to spot for several reasons. If you take note to this side-by-side comparison between the ‘human’ Scott Peterson and the ever elusive Shorter & Stouter Scott Peterson (below), you will note the bulbous belly area, accompanied by his short stature, likely due to a stunted and primitive physical development, create a much more animalistic appearance than that of Scott Peterson.

Therefore, it is my conclusion that this ‘man’ is not a man at all. But in fact, that which we’ve all come to know as the 'Shorter & Fatter Scott Peterson' is more of a sub-human primitive creature. He is likely more of a distant relative of the fantastical Sasquatch, known to many as ‘Big Foot’. I would, however, be more inclined to infer that this sub-humanoid creature is more, in essence, a ‘Little Foot’. I say that not simply because the film The Land Before Time is great and should be referenced more often; but as a result of the Shorter & Fatter Scott Peterson’s lack of height. Seeing as this is a creature of the wild that we are dealing with here, and what with winter and her blisteringly cruel elements in full effect; in all likelihood, the beast is hibernating. He is simply waiting for Spring to have sprung before emerging from the cave that is his garden apartment, and attempting to function in our scary go-go world. – Joe Nudelman

Photographic Proof.

From day one, we at EADJ have prided ourselves on staying true to our Mission Statement: to bring you the latest news on dick being eaten by Joel. But sometimes other news is so urgent that Joel's escapades with dick must be put on temporarily on hold. Such is the case with a photo taken yesterday at 12:49pm in the 225 North Michigan tunnels:

AN ACTUAL PHOTO taken of the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson.

As you can see, he is definitely fatter. That gut must be at least a 42 inch waist. And look at those tits. Scott doesn't have tits.
Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) has seen this photo, however blurry, and has confirmed that this is indeed the SFVOSP.

Local authorities have been put on alert, and Scott Peterson has been notified. Shown the photo, Scott chuckled, but then sat in uncomfortable silence, wondering when this joke was going to end.

***SUPER BREAKING IMPORTANT EADJ NEWSFLASH UPDATE!!!***

(from the AP Wire)

SOURCES INSIDE 225 NORTH MICHIGAN HAVE CONFIRMED A SPOTTING OF THE ELUSIVE SHORTER, FATTER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON STOP. A WITNESS HAS EVEN CAPTURED PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF OF SAID SHORTER, FATTER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON AND WILL POST TOMORROW STOP.

JOE NUDELMAN (DON'T LAUGH) WILL CONFIRM THE PHOTO TO COMPARE IT WITH HIS OWN EXPERIENCE WITH THE SHORTER, FATTER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON STOP.

(pictured above, a scene from the upcoming Lion's Gate movie "You've Got Dick," wherein two co-workers just yards apart discover that they both ordered the same big black latex cock, when all along they were made for each other. Rated PG-13 for cutesy dialogue, some drug use and a brief shot of scrotum)

Guest Writer Appearance for Today: CANCELLED

(As part of EADJ Guest Writer Week, today's entry has been submitted by Larry Liss.)

Actually, no.

Larry would have written something about Joel eating dick here, but apparently he was too busy. It would have been funny and poignant and a clever analogy to how life is in these mean streets. You probably would have read it twice, wept, then copy-and-pasted the entry to send to your estranged parents, because it touched you in some profound way.

Oh well, maybe tomorrow. Dingdang!

(pictured above, a building-wide search turns desperate, and more people volunteer to track down the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson)

***UPDATE!!!!!*** There's a break in the manhunt, as the real Scott Peterson's assistant Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) spots the shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson in the elevators this very morning! Stay tuned to EADJ for the latest in this developing story.