UAG 2021

An Imagined Conversation

The following is a continuation of a previous imagined conversation:

"Mike, I'm scared. I'm trying to walk to you, but I think I"m going in circles!"

"Where are you now, Sandy?"

"I'm at the Party Center."

"Well, shit, now I'm at the Snack Station. How did I not pass you?"

"There must be multiple ways to get there, Mike."

"Are you still there at the Party Center? I think I see it now."

"No, I'm now at the Battery Center."

"Battery Center?! Where the hell is that?! I'm now at the Video Center. Who knows how far those two are from each other. Jesus. Should we meet back at the Snack Station, or do you want to come to me?"

"I'm so tired, Mike. I think I might lie down and sleep for a while."

"NO, SANDY! IF YOU SLEEP, YOU DIE!!!!! SAAAAAAANDY!!!"

Applied Mathematics

Many people may wonder, "How big is Kate Hudson in comparison to Sarah Jessica Parker?" Well, we at EADJ have used simple algebra to find out:

We keep Matthew McConaughey as a constant (with a value of X), and we assign a value to Kate Hudson (KH) and Sarah Jessica Parker (HF).

KH(X) = Y*HF(X), where Y is the scale of Kate Hudson to Sarah Jessica Parker.


We overlay Matthew McConaughey on himself, thereby cancelling himself out.
So KH= Y(HF)


We can now see the relationship between KH and HF. We actually had to scale Sarah Jessica Parker down by 5%, so the value of Y=.95. It also creates either a super-hot lesbian movie or something that makes my penis dive into a wood chipper.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Shell Game

Today we pick on Shell Game, a 1975 made-for-TV movie that launched John Davidson's career into hosting duties for "The Great American Quiz Show" and "That's Incredible!" Unfortunately, Davidson does not sing on this soundtrack.


I gotta admit, I didn't expect such copyright protection from a supermarket-bought DVD. But this is a review of the film, East West Productions LLC, so it counts as fair use.


I found a cool DVD Easter Egg: if the menu is left alone for 5 minutes, Joan Van Ark picks out food from John Davidson's teeth for nutrients. It's called a symbiotic relationship.


Plot summary: A convicted con artist sets out to expose the head of a charity fund who has been embezzling money to cover his huge gambling losses. The opening credits featured some nice loungy jazz.


Lyle Rettig works for a charity but also steals from them. He accuses a kindly old lady of embezzling all of it. Another worker, Max Castle (John Davidson), catches onto his game.


Conveniently enough, Max Castle is a former con man who has been just itching to get back in the game. But here, his con is to get stolen money back, so that makes it morally okay.


Castle meets Rettig blowing all the money at the races. A good question to ask here would be "Why doesn't Rettig recognize Castle?" Another one is "If War Pass finishes under four furlongs ahead of Bim Boom Bop, does it still match the 3-1 payout?"


Castle and Joan Van Ark, whose character's name I never got, pretend to be a wealthy couple who win a lot of money based on an "inside tip." They help Rettig win a few thousand bucks, so he's totally on the hook now. They decide to meet later on Castle's yacht...


... which is actually just a rented boat, apparently full of dozens of people who are also in on the con. They introduce Rettig to a third, older dude, who's important to the story.


Blah blah blah, the bad guy is buying all the flimflammery. They talk of investing in a gold mine. On a yacht. With caviar being served. Why they didn't also wear tuxedos and top hats with monocles, I'll never know.


They get the gold mine assessed by Bob the Builder, who says it's worthless. But through some trickery and boring dialogue, they have Rettig convinced that the gold mine is virtually a goldmine of gold.


So Rettig buys the gold mine from Castle, yah yah yah, you see where this is going.




The slow realization that he's been had is exactly that. But as an actor, this is a fine opportunity to give the nuanced performance that can win you an Emmy (He didn't).


Confirmation that he's been screwed comes in the form of Andy Travis, manager of a struggling radio station in Cincinnati.


Overall, I'd say the movie was pretty decent. It promised grifting and a con game, and it did deliver that. But it wasn't as surprising as it could have been.


The plot was not as intricate as most con or heist movies, but it's not like Dave Mamet penned the gosh darned thing.


John Davidson was shirtless in at least 2 scenes, so that gave me something to masturbate to. Or ON. Hello!


EADJ Crappinema rating: *** 3 Stars. A tidy, casual Sansabelt movie with all the intrigue and excitement that 50¢ can buy.


Some possible taglines for Shell Game:

He's taking back what's his, and taking names.

How do you con a conman? With dimples.

CONNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

You're sitting on a gold mine! Not!

A man. A woman. A few horses. A shaft.

In con space, no one can hear you scream as you get conned out of a lot of money.

Gee, guess where I shopped recently.

A Mixed Sack of Assorted Items

• Joel will be taking Rosh Hashanah off this week, although he's not Jewish. Instead of observing the holiday, he will be using the time off to masturbate to an old poster of Pierce Brosnan in a speedo. Did I say "to?" I meant "on."


• This EADJ reporter has a new job at an agency in New York. I cannot disclose the name of the agency, but it rhymes with Toucan Cleric's Fun. Those of you who worked at Cramer-Krasselt on the weekend and used the men's bathroom– you remember how horrible that smelled?– well, the bathroom here smells like that ALL THE TIME. A full article on the horrors of the bathrooms at Toucan Cleric's Fun coming soon...


***Pathmark "What Doesn't Belong In This Picture?" answers from last week!***

1. Half-drunk Lipton Brisk in the yams.

2. Top loin steaks in the Juicy Juice.

3. French bread in the cupcake icing.

4. Chicken strips in the Entenmann's Cookies (also accepted Thomas Squares Bagelbread).

5. Junior putter set (which Andrew mistook for a mop) in the Bakery Snacks.

Martha Salvoy from Park Falls, Michigan got all 5 answers right. She wins a snowmobile trip for two to the Apostle Islands, Wisconsin, courtesy of Ski Doo and Kimpex Plastic Skis. Kevin Hudson from Asheville, North Carolina came in second and wins a romantic lunch with actor Don Cheadle at the restaurant of his choice.

(pictured above, the once mighty South Street Seaport, once a historic waterfront with a fish and farmer's market, is now a mall, replete with Curlz)

Dick -------------> Joel

It's tax time, and Joel filed his taxes via Turbotax.com to receive his refund more quickly. On his 1099 he listed "DICK" in the "Miscellaneous income and tips" box. The unfortunate entry, however, crashed the Turbotax server and caused everyone in Montana to receive $5000 free. The good people of capital city Helena showed their appreciation by naming one of their horse paths "Honorary Joel Eating Dick Way." Joel has also been invited to come visit and speak before a crowd of six in City Hall- two who are reported to own dicks- and Joel has enthusiastically pencilled it into his calendar.

(pictured above, three not very smart people would rather look at an ad for "America's Next Top Model" than seek shelter from a snowstorm)

**Update** The crashed Turbotax server has also inexplicably subtracted $40,000 from the account of a Galen Tomlinson, who played "Turbo" on American Gladiators from 1990-1996.