New Year, New Batshit Conspiracy Theories

 Alex Jones and his InfoWars war on actual information has found new ways to spread right wing conspiracies although he was banned from almost every social media outlet years back. That's because spreaders of misinformation refuse to be shamed to silence and double down on their dumb, dangerous hackery, especially in these turbulent pandemic times.

Here now are some upcoming show topics for Jones:

The Green New Deal: The War on Precious Carbon Dioxide

You Are All Extras In My Documentary About Me Being A Mistaken Hero

Ways That Marjorie Taylor Greene Is More Like Jesus Than Jesus

Rush Limbaugh's Ghost Haunts My Pantry and His Message For You

God-Fearing Christians Are Being Persecuted For Persecuting Immigrants and It Just Isn't Fair

Why Dad Bods Get Pussy, and Not From Mom Bods

Why Are Leftist Commie Libtards So Insulting?

Cilantro: Spice o' The Gods That Everyone Loves

Democracy = Democrats x Crazy

Something I Googled Makes Perfect Sense and I Haven't Read a Real Book All Year

How Gold Is The New Way To Make Disgraced Right-Wing Crazymen Rich (Sponsored)

Meanwhile, At The Emirates Airlines Australian Open,

Two unfortunate flight attendants are forced to stand and smile in front of an ad banner as decoration, a mere feet away from deadly swinging golf clubs.

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: The Man From Button Willow

This appears to be an animated romp of some kind.




"A delightfully different, excitingly new adventure in family entertainment!" Translation: leave this on for the kids while you fire up more rock.

Introducing: ClearPlay!

I found this flyer in a Methodist Church in North Carolina:


Wow, I can edit sex, violence, AND profanity on regular DVD's? Especially if I feel like the MPAA Ratings Board isn't doing a good enough job of warning me of objectionable content? You mean, I can protect my family's Christian values while still getting to enjoy "Happy Gilmore" without all the tits and swearing? Yes, worry no more with the Prudemaster9000™.

Possibly the best part of the flyer are the "customer comments:"

Click the photo to enlarge or click here.


Gayla (not a stripper name) from Summerfield said, "I requested a filter for "Get Shorty" a while ago and was excited to see it on a new filter list. Thank you so much!"

Hey, Gayla. Uh, I hate to break it to you, but "Get Shorty" isn't all that nasty a movie. And if your kids can't handle the word "shit" or "fuck" like three times in a movie, maybe you should have to wait FOURTEEN YEARS until you can watch it. And maybe in 2025 you can enjoy its sequel, "Be Cool."

So on the ClearPlay website, they show a list of the movies that have been successfully filtered for Jesus. Amazingly, the Kirk Cameron Christian blockbuster "Fireproof" is on that list! What could possibly be on there that ClearPlay found objectionable? I guess they edited out the big cunnilingus scene. Too bad.


It does make me wonder what would happen if you tried watching "The Sopranos" or "Caligula" on that player. Maybe it would implode or shoot the DVDs at your throat. I'm just glad that "No" from "No Location" was finally allowed to watch "Daddy Day Care" without that black man's dirty mouth!

A Mixed Sack of Assorted Items

• Joel will be taking Rosh Hashanah off this week, although he's not Jewish. Instead of observing the holiday, he will be using the time off to masturbate to an old poster of Pierce Brosnan in a speedo. Did I say "to?" I meant "on."


• This EADJ reporter has a new job at an agency in New York. I cannot disclose the name of the agency, but it rhymes with Toucan Cleric's Fun. Those of you who worked at Cramer-Krasselt on the weekend and used the men's bathroom– you remember how horrible that smelled?– well, the bathroom here smells like that ALL THE TIME. A full article on the horrors of the bathrooms at Toucan Cleric's Fun coming soon...


***Pathmark "What Doesn't Belong In This Picture?" answers from last week!***

1. Half-drunk Lipton Brisk in the yams.

2. Top loin steaks in the Juicy Juice.

3. French bread in the cupcake icing.

4. Chicken strips in the Entenmann's Cookies (also accepted Thomas Squares Bagelbread).

5. Junior putter set (which Andrew mistook for a mop) in the Bakery Snacks.

Martha Salvoy from Park Falls, Michigan got all 5 answers right. She wins a snowmobile trip for two to the Apostle Islands, Wisconsin, courtesy of Ski Doo and Kimpex Plastic Skis. Kevin Hudson from Asheville, North Carolina came in second and wins a romantic lunch with actor Don Cheadle at the restaurant of his choice.

(pictured above, the once mighty South Street Seaport, once a historic waterfront with a fish and farmer's market, is now a mall, replete with Curlz)