Spotted At Dollar General, Part 2

Yesterday we featured some balloons at Dollar General that offered the oh-so-crazy colors white and burgundy. BURGUNDY.

We gave it a think, and here are some possible occasions we came up with to use BURGUNDY balloons:

• Ron BURGUNDY'S birthday party

• A wine tasting that's classy but not that classy

• Retirement party for a co-worker that none of you really liked

• A CONGRATS ON YOUR UNSIGHTLY BRUISE party

• Balloon arch for a library orgy

• Intervention

 

Spotted at Dollar General

Look at the fun, festive colors that Funsational Balloons offers: white and burgundy.

Burgundy.

BURGUNDY.

Advertising Synergy!

Found in a package of Easy Einstein Water Balloons, a tip-in brochure for JEWELRY. Whaaa?

An advertisement for the Sterling Collections Infinite Love Ring, a romantic piece festooned with 22 hand-set cubic zirconia gems, along with a ring sizer diagram.

On top of that, it asks you to MAIL IN YOUR ORDER of $10 and $6.99 postage to a P.O. Box like it's the 1970s. Who is this for? And who is reading this ad a mere seconds before being beaned by 100 water balloons?

A Few Things To Keep In Mind When Waiting A Long Time Surrounded By Balloons

1) Cheer up– there are balloons around you!

2) Whatever it is you're waiting for will come eventually. There's no need to take your frustrations out on the balloons.

3) Think on the bright side– you could be waiting somewhere that doesn't have balloons.

4) There have to be hundreds of ways to occupy your time with balloons until whatever you're waiting for arrives or happens. Literally hundreds.

5) Did we mention that there are balloons around you?

6) If you're thinking of sighing because you've been waiting a long time, just use that sigh to inflate a balloon instead. Everybody wins.

7) This is fun: if you have to wait a very long time, the balloons slowly sinking as a result of the helium depleting can act as a sort of timekeeping device.

8) Now would be an excellent time to start a game of solitaire. Because anyone who would normally give you unsolicited advice about placing red six on black seven would be screened out by the balloons.

9) Say "balloon" out loud to yourself a few times. Around the eighteenth time, it doesn't even sound like a real word. Bah-loon.

10) If you happen to be actually waiting for balloons, YOUR WAIT IS OVER!

These and many other tips are made possible by the New York Council of Waiting Amidst Balloons.

Special Weekend Entry

EADJ doesn't do this bit anymore, but if you look closely at the banner in this photo on NewYorkTimes.com, you'll see the phrase "WELCOME BACK GOVERNOR" set in the typeface Curlz MT.

Opinionated

Hey, Pewter Bear. What did you think of the YouTube Democratic debates?


Goddamn, Pewter Bear, is there anything you say that doesn't make everybody want to stab you in the eyesocket? You are such a miserable little DIPSHIT. Die already.