Exclusive EADJ Preview of Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracies

Scott Fatman or whatever his name is is still at it with his ridiculous right wing conspiracy machine, Infowars. He and his (fat)head writers have agreed to share with us their ideas for shows in the upcoming weeks:

• Why they never call white people first at Panera Bread

• SNL has never been funny to conservatives. TOO HIGH BROW???!!!

• How cancer causes AIDS

• How the Operation board game is creating unrealistic expectations for aspiring health insurance providers

• How rock station morning shows are responsible for the recent explosion of unofficial "zoos"

• Why man boobs are considered sexy in certain circles now

• You. Why you are a Communist

• How Google Doodles are subliminally training your brain to accept diversity

• How to play Words With Friends alone.

The ProofrEADJer: August And Everything After Edition

 Was that a Counting Crows reference? Jesus.

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of July 27

 

Hello remote workers! Hector the IT assistant here. So I know we're all a few months into the lockdown, and I can see that most of us have gotten used to the two-factor authentication method of logging onto email and servers, but I just wanted to remind everyone that doing timesheets promptly is still essential part of our process. So let me just reiterate that you have to click onto "employee services", then "timesheets", then "my timesheets", then "new timesheet". From there, a new window should open where you click your name, then click "create timesheet", then when it prompts you to create a new timesheet, you press "yes", then check the box at the bottom before typing your timesheet password (NOT your email password). Once you check the box, the open window will take you to a spreadsheet where you can select "week", and then "this week", then "timesheet for this week". Once you do that, here are the job numbers you can use:

94268: Wetting your bed head in time for a Zoom call

83313: Asking Alexa if it's a work day

07703: Accidentally deleting porn

60236: Patiently sitting through a :03 YouTube preroll ad

50378: Figuring out if someone is doing the rock 'devil's horns' or doing Spider-Man shooting webs

63152: Wrapping a taco with a burrito wrap to keep it all together

84627: Deciding that it was worth it for the nut

53842: Rage quitting Minecraft

77634: Showing off your spot-on Piers Morgan impression

03510: Looking for the tablet stylus in your afro

NIKEOTB

Spotted on 34th Street, a digital billboard for Nike supposedly uses "cool" typography but ends up reminding us of 1988:

Baby Hideaway Pool

Baby Hideaway Pool?! What the fuck are you talking about?!

Why the hell would baby hideaway in a pool? Everybody knows already that baby enjoys pool, so why would baby go skulking about like a criminal in some shady "hideaway" pool?

Baby enjoys pool. Baby not ashamed of enjoying pool, so fuck you for implying that baby has anything to be ashamed of.

Worse yet, fuck you for implying that baby has found a sneaky way to hide his alleged shame with a hideaway pool.

Baby enjoys pool and will enjoy pool in front of you, the entire viewing public, and the sweet Creator himself if need be.

Baby also having a hard time concentrating with busty woman who is not his Mom leaning over him like that. Making baby nervous.

So fold back the shade of the hideaway pool. Baby got nothing to hide.

Happy New Year from baby, by the way. Drive safe.

The Pathmark To Hell is Paved With Target Intentions

 

*Whew* You discarded it just in time. That thang fugly.

 

Nothing pays tribute to Whitney Houston quite like a discarded lollipop.

 

 Lock jaw?

 

Personally, I don't see what the buzz is about Nicki Minaj, paper towels or toy garbage trucks.

 

Nothing says "WELCOME" like a terrifying sculpture of a frog wielding an axe.

 

Neither Trayvon Martin nor parmesan cheese belong here.

 

I don't know what an "Ask The Unicorn" button is, but I don't think it belongs near pet food.

 

"I am Five Iron Man!"

Lazy, sad, and imitation.

Don't Get Your Font in a Curlz

More typographical awfulness from Brooklyn:

Wine list. Classy.

Nail salon. Typical. (Yeah, I'm taking a photo of your shop, bitch)

Back scratcher?! Random!


But the most flagrant violator EADJ has ever seen has to be Dizzy's Café in Park Slope:



Jesus, it's like the owner strided into a Kinko's, handed the Desktop Publisher a floppy disk, and said, "Make all my signage with this whimsical font, you orphan raper!"

Not that Kinko's employees aren't orphan rapers. Some are. Actually, a lot are. A vast majority are. Especially the third shift ones. That's why if you walk into a Kinko's late at night, they have to come to the register from the back, because they're raping an orphanage out back. For serious. I'm surprised no one has noticed this before.