EADJ Presents: Where Are They Now?

Smiley Gripper parlayed his short NFL career into becoming one of the most recognizable hosts on TV. The 300 lb. former running back has been the brilliant cohost of "The Voice" for three seasons and counting.

Author Sumo Mandarins is back after a 10 year hiatus from writing. This time, Mandarins tackles the trendy "Romantasy" genre and turns it on its head, spoofing both the romance and fantasy genres with a surprising tale about a man with a dachshund head falling in love with a purple horned woman who works at the space DMV. Classic Mandarins!

Michelin star acclaimed sous-chef Ropa Elegante dropped from public view after the chicken tartare incident in 2015. She currently breeds miniature buffalo in North Dakota under the alias "Flap Gracious."

Fiisto Coucha was one of the foremost mixed martial artists in the early 2010s but quickly disappeared in shame after a dummy leg was discovered in his locker room at Rumblecage 2012. Coucha now sells powdered breakfast shakes on his website couchashake.net.

Yet Another Ad On Facebook

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Jesus, Temu. Are You Okay?

I don't even know where to begin. The bizarre A.I. Pixar woman. The multiple penis plushies. The fact that six of them is listed as "1pc".

Hard pass.

The ProofrEADJer: Mostly Food Edition

Some Upcoming Movie Releases Based On The Names of Flower Bouquets At Safeway

Having optioned every novel, comic book, television show, and short film property as full length feature films, the major studios in Hollywood have no choice but to start mining the floral section of the Safeway in College Park, Maryland for movie ideas. Because who wants to write original material anymore.

The following movies are already in production and are slated for theaters as soon as March 2016:

"Spider Mum," starring Sally Field, Andrew Garfield, and Topher Grace. Directed by Zach Znyder

Sony Pictures re-re-reboots the flagging Spider-Man series in the hope that people will still give a shit about a franchise that was fine the first time around. Sally Field reprises her role as Aunt May, but this time she's the one bitten by the radioactive spider and takes on the heavy responsibilities of fighting corruption in local politics and ensuring that four-way stop signs get installed around the local elementary school. Also starring Key & Peele as Doc Ock and Vulture.

"Pom" starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Stellan Skarsgård, and Chiwetel Ejiofor.

Three award-winning actors with hard to pronounce names turn down really terrific roles for a movie, mistakenly reading the script as "Porn" with poor kerning.

"Vibrant Orange Petite" starring Rebel Wilson, Amanda Seyfried and Beth Behrs. Directed by Elizabeth Banks.

The actress from Fat Amy from "Pitch Perfect" is back, starring as a girl who opens her own tanning salon (Orange Petite) across the street from the bitchy sorority sisters (Seyfried and Behrs) who already have a successful day spa FOR THIN GIRLS ONLY. Soundtrack by Meghan Trainor, Adele, Kelly Clarkson and Mary Lambert. That's mean.

"East Coasts Best" starring Chris Rock, Giancarlo Esposito, and Taraji P. Henson. Directed by McG.

A successful real estate tycoon (Esposito) hires a hip local comedian (Rock) as the face of his new condo business, with disastrous results. Also starring Patrick Warburton as Norman the Doorman.

"Lily Asiatic" starring Devon Aoki, Naomi Watts and Jon Cryer. Directed by Michael Bay and Peter Berg.

A naval captain (Watts) and a space station crewman (Cryer) team up to stop a deadly typhoon, a zombie outbreak and an alien invasion from devastating a Japanese island. Devon Aoki plays Lily, a marine biologist with an untapped supernatural power. CG by Jim Henson's Muppet Workshop. Script still pending.

Look At These Fucking Cakes

I at store. I see cakes. I make fun.

Spotted In Penn Station

Pictured above, a pun becomes literal.

Onward, Upward, and Inward.

Joel went to a flower show this week!

He attended "Reflections," a California Garden Club event in sunny Griffin Park. The good thing about this venue is the Visitors Center Auditorium, which seats about 2500 flower enthusiasts and can be converted into a fabulous show room.

Joel was hoping to view some hydrangeas and azaleas, his favorite flowers besides the dick. And although he did manage to catch a few arrangements that piqued his interest, he did notice that there were hardly any dick.

You see, flower shows in L.A. are notorious for not having enough dick. Joel has brought this up with the Los Angeles Flower District Association (the LAFD) multiple times, with no answer. But understandably, the LAFD has refused to include dick in most of their shows after a 2002 incident where Joel ate all of the dick on the first day. So there's that.

(pictured above, a self-styled music critic/vandal goes all aggro in Brooklyn)

Curlz in the Family

(pictured above, the painful realization that one's future sister-in-law uses Curlz to represent her wooden-flower-centerpiece business. Phone numbers and email address have been blurred out to protect the innocent)

Jessica Lets Rip A Secret