My Favorite Aaron Spelling Show From the 90s

Organic Banana 94011

Feature Film Ideas Based On Items On The Side of a Cheesecake Box

The eight major film studios are struggling to find new original content to compete with the Netflix juggernaut. Having mined almost every intellectual property already, they have now turned to the next logical step: the side of a cheesecake box in my fridge. Here now are the greenlit projects currently in development:

"Blackout" starring Terrence Howard, Emil Hirsch and Viola Davis. A citywide power outage heightens racial tensions during a protest. Directed by Spike Lee unless he says he already did this.

"Fudge Rum" starring Donald Glover, Rashida Jones and Jane Lynch. This tongue-in-cheek pirate adventure stars two competing pirate clans who discover identical treasure maps at a government official's funeral. Also starring Paul Rudd as Dawonga the Smuggler.

"German" directed by Werner Herzog. German actors Daniel Brühl, Christoph Waltz, Michael Fassbender, Diane Kruger, Gitta Schweighöfer and Franka Potente share a bratwurst and some steins of beer whilst talking about Klaus Kinski and "laughing" about German subjects of their choosing. Very talky.

"OUTRAGE" starring Aaron Paul, Julia Garner, and Jaime Pressley. A white trash couple goes on a robbin' spree in the nearby richie town and gets chased by every state trooper and fed that gets wind of their antics. Starring John C. Reilly as the Governor and Jaime Pressley as his rebellious daughter Kee.

"Truffle" featuring the voices of Horatio Sanz, Jeri Ryan, Michael Ealy, and Stormy Daniels. This DreamWorks animated film follows a sad truffle pig (Sanz) who discovers a magical hallucinogenic truffle that transports him the fuck to some fantastic new bullshit world or whatever. Songs by AJR and score by Danny Elfman.

The ProofrEADJer: End of February Edition

 

And there at least two different places in New York Penn Station that cannot spell "raisins."

Some Pot Flavor Names You Won't See At Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

"Death Star Kush." "Maui Wowie." "Purple Urkle."

Now that medical marijuana is more widespread in the country, more pot dispensaries are naming their pot flavors "outrageous," "cool," and "edgy" names to grab customers' attention. Here now is a list of names they probably won't use:

• William Rehnquist

• No Workie On Cataracky

• Child Support Up In Smoke

• Doobie Brothers Pubes

• Not Cocaine

• Literally Clumped Up Cilantro

• Lung Raper

• Gary Johnson 2020

• I Support Our New Police State By Smoking This

• Tommy Chong's Eye Boogers

• Killing Me Softly With His Bong    no actually, that one's pretty good

• Silent Flaccidity

Spotted Near South Orange, NJ

Totally. Chicken bones can kill dogs. So we should throw them in the trash!!!

…We're talking about throwing the chicken bones in the trash, right? Not throwing the dogs we just killed in the trash. 

Shit. Maybe we should throw BOTH in the trash, just to be sure. Sorry, doggie.

An Open Letter To Pinto Beans

Hi Pinto Beans,

I've never written a letter to you before. Not sure why I'm writing now. I guess I just wanted to check in with you, making sure you're okay. We've known each other for decades now, and the truth is, you and I never talk.

And why is that? It's not like we've lost touch with each other. I often see you at Chipotle or at any taco truck in Austin, TX.

Yes, I know you're busy. Both of us are, believe me! But it's good to just touch base and catch up so we don't lose track of each other.

Okay, I'll come clean now. Full disclosure. I was just wondering if you somehow knew "Slumdog Millionaire" actress Freida Pinto. I sure would like to meet her- she's gorgeous.

Can you hook a brother up?

You Can Tell A Lot About Pillow Protector's Customers By The Packaging

Audience 1: Old farts who love reading a lot more than they do playing hide the sausage (or walking the dog for that matter).

Audience 2: Unapproachable Asian woman reading Ayn Rand in a double bed. Her husband has left her, and she doesn't care. She is so misunderstood, just like Howard Roark in THE FOUNTAINHEAD!

Audience 3: Wait. Two questions: 1) Claritin makes pillow protectors? 2) Is that Kristine Johnson from Channel 2 News at 5?

Audience 4: Confident blonde sluts who don't have bugs in their coochie, thanks to sprinkling a little baking soda down there.

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, drill that last rivet, and I think we're done."

"No, wait, Gordy. Don't come down yet."

"What's the matter? The pharmacy sign is up, and it's level! So, brewskies!"

"Nope. It's not centered now."

"What?! I measured the distance from the letters to the outlines. That thing is centered, Kevin."

"Yes, the letters are, but that gray bar they're on is sticking out the right side. It looks stupid."

"You're stupid."

"Hey, wait a minute. I've got an idea. We still have those extra letters in the truck that say 'Dept.,' so let's fill the rest of that space with those letters! It can say 'Pharmacy Dept.!'"

"That's brilliant, Kevin! Wait. Does that even make any sense?"

"Brewskies!"

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, Dummy."
"Don't call me Dummy. My name is Donnie."
"Hey, Dummy, what's the name of that trucking company we use to haul our auto parts?"
"I keep telling you not to call me that."
"Well?"
"Well, what?"
"What's the name of that trucking company, Dummy?"
"Oh. I forget."
"You're useless."
"I do remember that they had a logo of two dolphins fucking."
"I hate you."

A Forbidden Entry

Two reasons why this entry is forbidden:

1) I took this photo in Pathmark after the security guard lady told me she'd kick me out if she caught me taking photos in there again.

2) EADJ retired this Curlz MT bit.

3) This entry sucks.