"Always Make a Total Effort, Even When The Pathmark Is Against You."

Pizza Flavored, My Eye

Hey food companies and snack conglomerates: PLEASE STOP MAKING PIZZA FLAVORED THINGS. It never works. Ever. The promise of eating something flavored like pizza will never capture the total flavor and texture of eating a slice, no matter how many chemicals you spray on whatever.

At the very most, what you created approximates pizza in some way, with hints of cheese flavor and pepperoni flavor and burnt dough flavor, but ultimately, it's a bad semblance of the real thing.

So instead of piping hot pizza, you have room temperature bagel with bagel texture that doesn't taste like a bagel but instead tastes kind of like pizza. Yuck.

Look at this shit. Lay's promises the chips you eat here will taste like a gooey deep dish Chicago style pizza. Now I'm not the biggest fan of deep dish, but looking at that great photo, I'd rather eat that than some average chips sprayed with essence of marinara sauce. Hell, even dipping Lay's chips INTO heated marinara sauce won't be as good as pizza.

So, stop. You're never going to pull it off. Ever. Stop trying to make it. No one asked you to do it. No one wants something like pizza when THEY CAN HAVE PIZZA. Okay? Stop. Stop it. Stop. Please. Please stop.

The Mexican Pizza and the McRib Meet the KFC Chizza

MP: Check it out, McRib.

M: What the hell is that?

C: Hey fellas! I'm the new KFC Chizza!

MP: Oh, I get it. Pepperoni and mozzarella on top of chicken. A Chizza.

C: Exactly! I'm chicken and pizza!

M: Nice portmanteau.

MP: Yeah, cute. But you're not really pizza. You're not on pizza dough.

C: Well, neither are you. You're a pair of big crackers. And your cheese isn't even mozzarella.

M: He's got you there, Mexican "Pizza".

MP: Shut up.

M: So, Chizza, are they buying a lot of you?

C: I'm doing respectable. Some chicken purists are offended by the pepperoni on top of chicken, though.

M: Fuck purists.

MP: Yeah, fuck 'em. If no one pushed boundaries, I'd never had been created.

M: Me neither. Here's to innovation!

C: Hear hear!

MP: You guys wanna grab a bite? I'm starving.

M: I could go for a Waldorf salad, frankly.

C: Oooh, that sounds GREAT.

This Week in Chicago Whatever

The following are episode synopses for this week:

Chicago P.D.

Farrow discovers a dark secret about the break room fridge. Captain Stewart keeps getting confused with another captain whose first name is Stuart. A sloppy arrest results in the suspect going free and two cops misplacing their police duty belts.

Chicago Med

Dr. Wilson discovers a dark secret about the break room fridge. EMT Jenny has a beef with the trauma nurses over a vicious rumor about her breath. Everyone in Triage mysteriously gets hives.

Chicago Fire

Lieutenant Gordy discovers a dark secret about the break room fridge. Somebody parks in front of the station garage door. Everybody gets addicted to the "Dance Moms" marathon on TV.

They Rhyme

🤯

Wait. Wait. Wait. You mean to tell me, these POTATO chips are flavored as French fried POTATOES?!!! GTFO

Dear Ice Cream and Pizza:

STAY IN YOUR LANE. Nobody wants ice cream served up like pizza, and no one wants pizza served up like ice cream. Or pizza flavored ice cream, or ice cream flavored pizza, or any iteration of any of that shit. Ice cream rules. Pizza rules. DON'T MIX THE TWO THINGS BECAUSE THAT WILL SUCK.

No, random dude from Episode 2 of Ms. Marvel. I'm serious.

CUT IT OUT, ICE CREAM AND PIZZA.

EADJ Fun Activity Corner

Look at all the screenshots for the mobile game Campus Life and try to find a single picture of a fucking book. Bet you can't!

Screenshots are dated 2013. I can't believe I waited 7 years to post this shit.

A Few Burning Questions About the Local Pizzeria's Box Graphics

1) Where is everybody?

2) Is this in Italy?

3) Did they evacuate everyone in the town because of radiation or a gas leak?

4) Was that nice couple's dinner interrupted during the evacuation?

5) Why is their table in the middle of the street? Is it because the sidewalk was littered with potted plants?

6) How was the couple supposed to eat that pizza without a pizza cutter or napkins?

7) Is that a midget chef bringing even more pizza to the table?

8) Why is he not dead from radiation/inhaling gas?

9) Did the radiation/gas leak turn all the plants red?

10) Why is the chef's pizza cut into pieces but not the one on the table?

11) Is this a nightmare I'm in? It is, isn't it?

"The Ultimate Tragedy Is Not the Oppression and Cruelty By the Bad People But the Silence Over That By the Pathmark."

This is my favorite from this round: