Let's Make Fun of CVS Products

I don't know if this is a new segment or not. I haven't decided. Whatever.

The implication is clear here: Buy a rollator, get laid.

Her new boyfriend ghosted her in the park, and Kathy began to regret using the N-word during their first date.

Face it. There's no casual way to pull of the cervical collar look.

The Consumer Electronics Show 2019: What To Expect

A few months from now, industry leaders will be announcing the latest, most cutting edge electronics for consumers. Here's a sneak peek at what's in store at the convention:

• a Pringles can- WITH BLUETOOTH!

• Red Roof Inns will introduce beds that scan for sexually transmitted diseases the moment you finish having extramarital sex in one

• Digital Kayla- all the features of Kayla, except with digital clarity and speed

• The triumphant announcement of Internet Explorer 56

• Some VR bullshit, but now with new bullshit

• Tim Cook will weep in a corner and not take any questions

• A USB stick you can stab someone in prison with

• Free "Huawei or the Highway" t-shirts

• Confused appearance by the cast of "Supernatural"

The ProofrEADJer: Tuesday Edition

 

Meanwhile, During the Conference Call...

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with The Weather.

Tonight's weather at Oak Ridge, LA:

89ºF, Mostly Cloudy,
Wind: N at 5 mph
Humidity: 58%

Uncle Roberto's Fun Fact: Most women don't like gin. Those who do are most likely hookers. So, careful.

What the Fuck™?

Attention ad copywriters: Using everyday interjections for your taglines is unacceptable. Stop it.

Adopting a common phrase to sell your product has been a well-established method in advertising, and it's mostly been acceptable. Like Pabst Blue Ribbon's "What'll You Have?" or McDonald's "I'm Loving It." Familiar phrases that took on an additional meaning thanks to an association with a company's name.




But when you call dibs on "Whoo Hoo!" or "Yay!" you're overstepping your bounds. You're hoping that people will eventually hear someone say "Yay" and want a shitty ice cream cake or some substandard vanilla in a sugarcone. Or hear someone say "Whoo hoo!" and suddenly think about financing their car payments. God, you suck.

What next?




Stealing from the public lexicon is still stealing. And desperately uncreative. So fucking stop it, already. Come up with some original words like "Snickerlicious" or "Epsonality." And you know what? Bud Light trying to "own" the word dude is not okay, either.

The Answers From Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson" Quiz!

If you got 1-2 correct, pat yourself on the back. Good job!
If you got 3-5 correct, give yourself a hug. Nice going!
If you got all 6 correct, you are a prostitute.

A Catchy Tagline.

Monique apparently likes getting it done in teacher's breakrooms.

Postcards From Whoretown!

On pretty much every square of sidewalk in Vegas, there's a guy sullenly handing out flyers for escort services. Over the weekend, Joel and I grabbed as many as we could, just for yuks. They're kind of like Pokemon trading cards, except they're really expensive to fuck.


When I came home, I shared the cards with J'Net. She spent a lot of time reading and organizing(?) them.


The piece de resistance, however, was one that Joel happily captioned himself:



Sidenote: I just recently tried to give these smutcards to Tom Weingard as souvenirs, but he politely declined.

Let's Stick the EADJ Mail Sack With the Check When We Clearly Ordered More Food Than It Did!

Submitted by Andrew Gall, whose ad agency is on the same street as a bunch of hookers:

"Shots taken two consecutive days just outside my building."

Thanks, Drummer for Supra Genius!

The Dangers of Being a Fanboy.

Pretty much everyone who knows Larry knows of his band, Supra Genius.

And those who receive Larry's Supra Genius emails know that they have a myspace site, where you can check out their excellent songs, shirtless-on-a-hay-wagon promo photos and latest news and whatnot:

Supra Genius on myspace

So the thing is, someone in the band responsible for putting them on myspace (Larry won't say who) got all "friend request" crazy when the spam hookers came calling— he said "YES!" and let such dubious individuals as "DaNIeLLEmaBeLLe," "[NaTaLiA]," and "AnGeLgRaCE" into their circle of friends. So now when someone legit (aka ME) became friends with Supra Genius, the spam hookers latched onto my profile and have infected my inbox like a case of digital herp-herps:



So I say to you Amber Lynn, oOoJENNAoOo, ♥ CrAzY/BeAuTiFuL♥, PaTTYCakeZ, JoannaBanana, I R MEGSTAH, GRkGRL,...MiMi...♥, [vividAlt.], Tushiba, (:dRAMMAKwEEEEEn*:), BETHANY T**TSm and Matt Webb, STOP SPAMMING ME, YOU SLUTS!!!!!! Thank you.

My new favorite supermarket.

To those of you not from New York (and how I pity you if you aren't!), there is a chain of supermarkets called Pathmark which, I gotta tell you, is the biggity BOMB, y'all.


Just one glance at the outside gives passers-by a hint of the delightful selections they vend within. Let's look inside! And while we're in there, let's play "What Doesn't Belong In This Picture?"

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


(Answers will be revealed next week. The highest scorer wins a jar-full of googly eyes and a signed copy of The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne)

"How I Spent My Holiday Weekend" by Joel's Chimp Servant

The following was submitted later this afternoon from a Compuserve email. All misspellings from the author have been kept intact.

How I spent my holiday wekend

Wekend began as always wiht early awakineng for make break fast. No holadiy weekend for chimp servant when you think about it.

Started macking Western frittata with side of dick (Joels favirote). Went oustide to get morning papper and save Harlem Funriture coupons for myself. Gonna buy that microfiber otomman soon.

Its great wehn Joel eat breafkast becuase he leave me alone and I can read U.S. World and News Report in peace. Also watch some of "Wickedwicked Games." Didnt liek at first but complex sotrylines start to grow on me.

Joel eating barkfast and everyhting going great until bus of cheer leaderhookers breaks down oustide. Joel start barking orders and get bossy to look manly infont of fucking hwores. All for show really cuz he prefer eat dick. Thus the name of blaog right am I kidding people?

Joel force me put on clean tshirt and walk out there to "tend to cheer leaderhookers needs' whcih issentialy means showing them wear in bushs to pee and help them resett travel bingo cards. All you got do is push red plastic thing back! Stupid hookers.

Hookers ask to call for towtuck but Joel is a dick about it. He particulair about hookers in his house (still!) and not want crabs in papa san agian.

Well this end of entry. just wandet to tell myside of the story. I got go to make porkchop sallad for Joel now and check on his ebay stattus.

- Chimp Sevrant

(pictured above, some Yuppie woman is considerate enough to leave the handicapped space available while she shops for accent rugs)

The Curlz from Ipanema

Hope everyone had a good weekend. Joel sure did.

A busload of cheerleader prostitutes broke down outside Joel's apartment complex. Joel sent his chimp servant out to the bus to care for the hookers' needs while he finished watching the LOST season finale a fourth time. Flash forwards?!!

After finishing his bit of daily Tivo viewing, Joel went out and chatted with the cheerleader prostitutes about what's wrong with their bus. Donna and Fiona said it was a transmission problem. Keri thought something sounded weird with the alternator. Brianna complained about a grey discharge.

One of the hooker cheerleaders asked Joel if maybe he could call a tow truck for them. Joel said he doesn't have a phone book but wished them all well. He even gave Kellie a case of dicks to tide them over until some real help showed up. Sluts.

(pictured above, a reader submission of the latest awful use for Curlz)