A Few More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

The following is what Christian at the Cell-Fun kiosk in Minot, North Dakota was thinking about:

• I can't believe I get paid to surf on Yahoo.

• I am so lonely, actually.

• That nerdy sister from "Modern Family" has a rack, hasn't she?

The following is what Trent at the Custom You Always kiosk in Provo, Utah was thinking about:

• I can't decide if I'm a tit man, an ass man, or a dick man

• I wish they'd make Nutty Buddies but without the nuts, cuz I'm allergic

• I just sharted, but I only have 3 more hours till I have to clock out.

The following is what Emilio at the Repair Screenz Explosion kiosk in Jonesboro, Arkansas was thinking about:

• FUCK, where is my wallet???!!!

• Did one of those kids who walked by pick my goddamned pocket???!!!! I'll KILL THEM!!!!

• Oh, there it is. Other pocket. :)

The following is what Saanvi at the Carved Edge kiosk in Auburn Hills, Michigan was thinking about:

• Am I going crazy, or are there swastikas in the carpet?

• I definitely need to keep an eye on the merchandise- otherwise someone might steal all of it, and that's gotta be worth about $23.

• I poisoned the box of Munchkins in the break room fridge to catch the lunch thief. NOW I WAIT.

The following is what Hilary at the Exotic Stones LLC kiosk in Delray Beach, Florida was thinking about:

• In front of a Kay Jewelers is a pretty dumb place to have an exotic stones kiosk, if you ask me.

• I'll always regret stabbing my junior prom date. Poor Thad... Chad?

• I bet there's enough storage room under here to take a long nap in.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 2pm):

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• Charlotte McKinney

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The following is what Evelyn at the PUSSY HO BITCHEZ kiosk in Milford, Delaware was thinking about:

• They should really consider changing the name of this kiosk.

• There really is no need for such a vulgar business name. It's hurting sales.

• I should tell Betty.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 4:30pm):

• Ah! I am so relaxed and well rested!

• I hope I didn't miss any potential clients during my little nap there, heh heh.

• Charlotte McKinney really does have an amazing rack.

 The following is what Bruce at the Lug Along Luggage kiosk in Danvers, Massachusetts was thinking about:

• This is nice. I get to own my own business and dictate my own hours here.

• The atmosphere is so relaxing, and I get to sit the entire time!

• Which one of these cases had the heroin in it, again? I should make a mental note.

 The following is what Gladys at the Royal Sheets kiosk in Elizabeth, New Jersey was thinking about:

• I can't stop watching "Big Bang Theory," and yet I hate everyone on that show.

• Chicken fried steak. Who the shit invented that? Morons.

• I bet if I bounced my leg enough, I could achieve orgasm right here.

Still Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what William, attendant at the T-Shirt Paradise stand in the Terre Haute Shopping Center in Terre Haute, Indiana did while working on January 11, 2014:

• invented a delicious new dessert involving frozen yogurt and noodles

• read his DeVry rejection letter

• felt for his left ball to make sure it was there (it was)

• used a pencil eraser to make a quarter shiny

The following is an accurate account of what Donavan, sales rep at the Gold Bunion kiosk at the Gladenville Mall in Pennsylvania did while working on the afternoon of January 12, 2014:

• loosened tie in order to tighten it again

• replayed the entire DVD box set to "Band Of Brothers" in his head by memory

• wondered if his stand's location in front of White|Black was ironic, considering his mixed ethnicity

• tried to blow a snot without using his hands

The following is an accurate account of what Bruce A., attendant at the Bath Fitter stand at the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, NC did while working on January 13, 2014:

• shifted weight to his left foot

• shifted weight to his right

• did the hokey pokey

• turned himself around

• thought about what it all meant

The following is an accurate account of what Carson and Rita, attendants at the Bedazzle This kiosk in Sun Valley Shopping Center in Ventura, California did while working on January 10, 2014:

(• Nothing. The stand was shut down in 2008.)

The following is an accurate account of what Quentin, attendant at the Smartphone Repair kiosk at the Arundel Mills Shopping Center in Bridgeport, CT did while working on January 16, 2014:

• tried to figure out how to make the bullet symbol on his Blackberry

• sucked air in through the space between his lower teeth, causing an irritating half-whistle sound

• looked at the Captain D's online menu

• rapped the lyrics to Tupac's "I Ain't Mad At Cha"

Let's Hogtie the EADJ Mail Sack To A Radiator in the Basement!

(submitted by Larry, some sage advice for Scott Peterson)