Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Six Lies Told By The Harbor House "How To Eat Crabs" Brochure

1) "Turn the crab over, belly down and facing away from you." This step isn't necessary unless it gets you off from the power.

2) "Some people enjoy the taste of the 'mustard' and some will pick it away." The "mustard" is some of the best part, dammit! Of course it does look like someone blew their nose inside a crab.

3) The only time crabs has ever brought up on Fox & Friends is when the president described his sexual exploits during the Vietnam War.

4) "Jumbo Lump" is also known as a "FUPA"

5) Making a scared  cartoon crab out of the garnish isn't necessary.

6) The iLoveCrabs Cookbook brings back all your favorite minor celebrities like Hal Sparks and Chuck Nice to riff on crustaceans and to make unfunny seafood pop culture references.

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EADJ and SE Johnson Wax are happy to announce the 6 Lies Told Disinfectant Cleaner. With over 80 strong but natural ingredients, this cleaner disinfects 103% of bacteria and viruses in existence. Available behind the counter at your local Dollar General. Must be over 18 to purchase.

Yelp Reviews of the Hotel California

10/8/1988  AVOID AT ALL COSTS

This is the type of place that will take your money, then turn around and stab you with their steely knives. Girlfriend and I made a reservation and paid for a "romantic suite" but ended up in a single room without windows.When confronted at the front desk the manager rudely yelled at her that we can check out anytime we like. Not ever allowed to leave, however. SEND HELP

DON H.

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9/7/1992  NOT WHAT WE EXPECTED

Got this place because of travelocity.com. Boy, do those pictures lie. This place is a shithole. The whole area stank of sweet summer sweat, especially around the courtyard. The hotel is located next to a mission whose bell won't stop ringing, even after 8pm. The list goes on. We would have done better staying at a Motel 6, but there aren't a lot of alternatives on that Dark Desert Highway. Worst of all, they would not refund our money– we had to complain to travelocity to get a measly $50 voucher. Luckily we found a good price for Holiday Inn Express which was night and day compared to this horrible hotel. I don't know how they stay in business. That manager is a bitch.

GLENN F.

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9/7/2010  DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE SHIMMERING LIGHTS

I don't know what got into me to give this horrible hotel a try. My head must have been heavy or my sight might have grown dim. Regardless, I had to stop for the night.

Mirrors on the ceiling? Pink champagne on ice? I don't know who this place is geared for, but it's all kind of chintzy and sad.

Was invited to a buffet in the "Master's Chambers." Got creeped out and stayed in my room instead, which was cool because I caught a "Blossom" marathon.

Not having wi-fi is unforgivable in this day and age.

B. SZYMCZYK

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1/1/1969  SWEET, THEY HAVE WINE HERE!

THE CAPTAIN

As If By Popular Demand, The Off-Brand T.P. Roundup Is Back!

Every once in a while, an unloved, forgotten-about EADJ blog segment comes back and bothers everybody again. This is one of those segments.


Brand: Somerset Quality Toilet Tissue
Design: Outline of a red swan to indicate elegance, redness of asshole after using.
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Somerset doesn't tear, and that's all I care about." -Susan Boyle


Brand: Greenhouse Bath Tissue
Design: See/say tree inside a house outline. Ambitious claim to "save our environment, one wipe at a time." Also, odd pattern that resembles the carpet in "The Shining."
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Whenever I do cocaine in the bathroom of the courthouse, I use this to wipe my nose. I'll suck your dick for ten dollars." -Lindsay Lohan


Brand: Renature Bathroom Tissue
Design: A witch ring of maple leaves surrounding a pine tree drawn from an art class.
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Renature means renal failure can be fun!" -Ali Fedotowsky from "The Bachelorette"


Brand: Renew
Design: White type reversed on green puddle of poo
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Where's my cell phone? I have to use the bathroom. (audible fart)" -Snooki


Brand: SS Quality Bathroom Tissue
Design: Overfat blue letter S's
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Holy goddamn, I lost that entire wad of toilet paper somewhere. Did it evaporate?" -Snooki


Brand: Unnamed threatening gigantic roll of white paper
Design: NONE
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "I just straddled a paper bronco, and I got chafed like you wouldn't believe. Now I have two half-balls." -Jose Canseco


Brand: Green Heritage / Bay West Eco Soft (twofer)
Design: Half-drawn leaf / globe in a styrofoam take-out container
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "None of us have a job. I'm actually ashamed that we don't contribute one iota to society in one productive way. We really are ashamed of ourselves. Why do we even exist?" -the Kardashian sisters / "Nobody likes me, mainly because I'm still an asshole." -Gene Simmons


Brand: Genuine Joe Cleaning & Breakroom Supplies Bath Tissue
Design: Hardworking communist clip art spraying the air
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Now there's a Joe I can put behind me, if ya know what I mean, when it comes to really cleanin' up Washington and all that there stuff there...(wink) (inaudible fart) " -Sarah Palin, via Twitter

*Editor's note: So after checking our archives, it turns out that four of these T.P.s have been reviewed before. Our apologies. We promise it will be an even longer hiatus before we trot this unlovable segment again.

Smecial Dreams Entry: Jessica II

"Talk about weird dreams. This one takes the cake. Last night I had a dream that Larry and I were concepting in this nice condo. He decided to start an adirondack chair on fire. I finally put it out, and he did nothing. It then made the floor collapse into the other condo. So then Larry and I are in the other condo looking up at the ceiling... Rick Haman (sic) comes in and yells at me and then Melissa Grein shows up. So weird."

-Jessica Foster


Totally weird. Like why would an art buyer show up when you're still concepting?

A Late Smecial Dreams Entry

"So, I was dating Brian Urlacher... and he just had his neck/back surgery and we were making out in a pool. He said "Oh my neck hurts," and I say, "Oh poor baby," and we kind of made out. Then he started cheating on me, and never called me again. That blew."
-Jessica Foster

No comment.

The Dick You Eat May Be Your Own

As the holiday break approaches, it's important to remember that it's better to eat a dick than it is to have your dick eaten. Or as the Golden rule puts it, "Eat others' dicks as they would have eaten unto yourses."

Today was a banner day in EADJ / NBA relations. Joel managed to eat the dicks of both the Nuggets and the Knicks, thereby ending a violent brawl between them. Nate Robinson claimed to have his balls touched also, but Joel insisted he didn't play any favorites. The endless replays of the dick-eating have been beamed into every living room in the country, including the one of Robinson's grandmother, who was not happy to see her grandson having his dick eaten on the Madison Square Garden floor with the Nuggets' J.R. Smith. Joel's grandmother, however, was drunk.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu models a new bestseller at Urban Outfitters, designed by John Reid)