A Man Who Dares to Waste One Hour of Time Has Not Discovered the Value of Pathmark.

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 25: "Christmas Around The Corner"

Some Hallmark movies are less movies than they are fantasy checklists. This one fulfilled the fantasies of:

☑ spending Christmas in a small town

☑ dating a rugged, emotionally distant man

☑ running a small business without the financial pressure of failing

☑ getting to decorate shit without having to take it down later

☑ being associated with books without having to read

☑ bossing people around

☑ being hailed as some goddamn hero for saving Christmas

And there are two country/city stereotypes at play here: the snobby, rude urbanite who's out of touch with people's feelings and likes to boss them around; and the pleasant but slow-witted small town bumpkins who need a savior to whip their shit into shape. And somehow they all magically become friends and toast egg nog to each other's health.

The last two movies we reviewed were pretty darn enjoyable, and I was starting to get worried that I'd end on a high note. But "Christmas Around The Corner" brought the overall average back down to reindeer turd-level. Whew!

Romance Factor: 3 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 8 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:24:26

Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Latest In Hip Hop Awfulness

Here now are the wackest or most confusing mixtape or album covers in hip hop. 

Is that a tractor beam? Or are they underwater? It looks like the Thunder From Down Under gained superpowers during one of their strip shows.

Let's reinforce the stereotype that a black President only would drink Cristal, smoke blunts, and stock up on white plastic assault weapons.

Jackie Chain presents Bruce Lean. Starring Jet Leek, Michelle Yo Yo Yo, Sammo Hungdown, and Jean Claude Van Dayyummm.

Hey Juicy J, if you have that much shiny exploding tits and ass on your album cover, are you really going to offend anybody by including the full word "bitch?"

Young Jeezy and his entourage are confused by the holographic airport map and are left wondering where the Cinnabon is.

Hi! Welcome to Compton! May I remind you to wear your seatbelt, as that is the local traffic law in this fine burg? Happy travels, fair tourist!

Terrible name for an album. But points for using the coloring section of a children's activity page for your artwork.

AGAIN WITH THAT BLUE SMOKY TRACTOR BEAM SHIT.

You can photoshop Nicki Minaj doing virtually anything and her reputation won't suffer a whit.

To be honest, "Panty Droppers Vol. 9" felt pretty incomplete, after Panty Droppers 1-8 fulfilled so many listeners' panty dropping needs. Here now Sam Hoody and DJ X Factor make it right by releasing addendum 9.5 so those panties can drop to their fullest.

 Gucci Mane and his friends devour the Times Square New Year's Ball and fart out an impressive array of pyrotechnics.

Wearing a t-shirt with melted nacho cheese is very, very, very gangsta. Because nothing that is seriously 'street' has ever been practical.

Two OBVIOUSLY RICH fellows forget who goes first in chess– the brown or the black? Meanwhile, one of the panty dropped women from 9.5 just tripped trying to find the chess rulebook.

Let's Empty The Oil Pan Of the EADJ Mail Sack!

From Larry L., a link from Gizmodo about the latest Star Wars merch:

"Even I think this is awesome.
And I'm not into Star Wars."

Link


Yes, it is indeed awesome, but think about it: it's an enlarged representation of a Lego toy version of a Stormtrooper. With a clock in its belly. How more removed from the original trilogy can you be? Other than "Attack Of The Clones," of course.

Scary.

When we moved into our new house, the previous owner had left a plethora of bizarro stuff, like plastic pelican planters, 2 bowling balls in the garden, and this hideous mirror clock:


We set all that crap on the curb, and someone promptly– and thankfully– took it. So you can imagine my surprise last weekend when I was having sushi with my parents in Greenbelt, Maryland, and I spotted THIS:


Dun dun DUUUNNNNNNN!