Let's Say Goodbye To A Bunch of Things That Lazy Ad Copywriters Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Every so often, Netflix renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Netflix this month:

• Cancel Me! The Dave Chappelle Comedy Special Where All He Talks About Is People Trying to Cancel Him For Material From A Previous Comedy Special

• Documentary about Mockumentaries

• Gary Busey's ASMR Relaxation Program

• Animated show: DILFS- Dolphins I'd Like To Fuck

Here are the shows and movies that Netflix is removing from their lineup this month:

• Baggage Claim Mysteries

• Prank Show: Let's Tell Podcasters That We Enjoy and Follow Their Show

• Scrolling Text of Amazon Gift Card Codes That Actually Work

• Dr. Pimple Popper Cooking Show

The Answers To A Quiz You Took in 2nd Grade

Sorry it took so long, but here are the answers to a math quiz you took in 2nd Grade. Your teacher Ms. Yancey apologizes. You must get your graded quizzes signed by one of your parents by Tuesday.

1. 5

2. 12

3. 8 or 9

4. Ω

5. fourteenth

6. Richard Pryor

7. √44

8. -2

9. "Faith" by George Michael

10. .00000000000000000000000000000003

EADJ Fact Checkers

 Spotted in an NYC K-Mart (don't ask)

"TENNIS Champion?" Psht. Very, very unlikely.

That girl looks about 1 year old. 

WTA and ITF Women's Tennis Circuit 2019 rules state: 

A 16-year-old may play up to 12 professional events (WTA & ITF Women's Circuit), WTA Championships (if she qualifies), plus Fed Cup. A 17-year-old may play up to 16 professional events (WTA & ITF Women's Circuit), WTA Championships (if she qualifies), plus Fed Cup.

And according to 

United States Tennis Association (USTA) Junior Tournaments rules:

Players often compete in multiple divisions, playing above their age in addition to their current age division. All USTA members are divided by location into sections, with some junior tournaments restricting entry only to players in the section they are held.

So K-Mart is implying that this little 1 year old girl at the very LEAST played against other kids multiple times and won without being able to stand or walk or even having enough upper body strength to lift a tennis racquet. 

EADJ Fact Checker Status: BULLSHIT CALLED

A Rebuttal of Hall & Oates's "Maneater," From The Alleged Maneater, Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan

Listen, guys– Daryl and John, is it? I don't know where all of this is coming from. I'm guessing you two are attracted to me and all, and I'm supposed to be flattered, but frankly, it's disturbing and pathetic and you two need to leave me alone. I've been coming into this bar for weeks now and think all this unwanted attention from you is pretty much harassment at this point. Here now is my point-by-point rebuttal of what you two have been saying about me:

1) I "only come out at night" because the bar is only open at night, from 7pm-2am. It says so on the sign, dummies.

2) "the lean and hungry type"? Is that skinny shaming? I did have a tapeworm 5 years ago.

3) "Ooh, she's sitting with you but her eyes are on the door" I was waiting for my friend Tammy that night. We were going to have some jalapeño poppers before that new Sandra Bullock movie. You two sat down and started the conversation.

4) "So many have paid to see / what you think you're getting for free" Now look. I appreciate that you paid for the jalapeño poppers but had NO IDEA you expected sexual favors in return. Then turn around and imply I'm some kind of prostitute? Classy, guys.

5) "(Oh here she comes) watch out boy she'll chew you up (Oh here she comes) She's a maneater" Cute. I turn you guys down once and all of a sudden I'm this out of control Jezebel. I regret accepting the jalapeño poppers if I knew this is how you'd react.

6) "Mind over matter / Ooh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart" This is some classic bullshit. The skinny blonde guy and the short dude with the porn mustache creep me out at a bar, but I'm the demon for not responding to their weak game. You guys are assholes. And by the way, a saxophone solo is not sexy- it's cheesy AF.

Títulos Alternativos Para un Cómic Mexicano

I found this lovely Spanish comic book at a magazine stand at a NYC subway stop. The drawings are lovely and over the top, as you might expect. What struck me most was the cover:

And rather than "Amores y Amantes" (which boringly translates to 'Love and Lovers'), I wondered what other titles this could sell as...

UAG

EADJ Wishes You, Yours, Your Yours' Yourses, and Your Yours' Yours' Mistress A Happy, Safe, And Hepatitis-C Free Christmas

Let's Comb The Pomade Out of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Two submissions by Andrew, who seems to getting lots of mileage from his new smartphone lomo filter:

Vince gives tribute to Blean Blablohen:


And Andrew does a "PBR Goatse:"


Barry submits this via text:

"I just thought you would want to see this. Why, I can't say."

EADJ Grades Your Papers

Since moving to a small town in New Jersey, it has become unavoidable to stumble upon the occasional errant school paper that some kid had lost or dropped. Here now, EADJ offers to grade these papers to teach the kids what's what.

"Solar Eclipses" by Unknown Girl




Transcript:

• A solar eclipse occurs when the moon passes between Earth and the sun, blocking the sunlight form reaching Earth.

• The darkest part of the moons shadow, the umbra, the umbra is cone shaped.

• From any point of the umbra, light from the sun iscompletely blocked by the moon.


Grammar: Terrible. Besides the unnecessary bullet format, the report suffers from run-on sentences and words that are too close together to distinguish by themselves. Also missing an apostrophe in the word "moons" to indicate possession. The bullet describing umbras is an incomplete sentence. The student also inexplicably changes from a cloud blue pen to a bright pink one midsentence.

Content: A single bullet about solar eclipses explains the phenomenon at a very cursory level. The third bullet is unclear as to from where exactly light from the sun is blocked. From the point of view of someone standing in the umbra? From the umbra itself (thus personifying it)? Poorly written.

Overall Grade: A disappointment. We were looking for more in-depth analysis (most notably the yearly frequency) of the solar phenomenon: D

"Elle Magazine" by Laura




Grammar: Lacking. There are many poor choices, many involving gerunds ("being" and "discussing") that result in awkwardly-worded sentences. The Strunk and White "Elements of Style" also dictates that the names of magazines should be italicized.

Content: Not bad. The basic information of Elle's marketing strategy is laid out in simple, direct fashion (pun!). However, Laura's enthusiasm for the content colored her coverage; several unnecessary exclamation marks found their way into her paper.

Overall Grade: I've never heard of a "Luxury Brand Management" class before, but even if I had, this wouldn't be a home run. I believe Professor T was too generous with a B+, quite frankly. I give it: C

I Found This In My Parents' Computer Desk Over the Break

Happy New Year, everyone!

Let's Hogtie the EADJ Mail Sack To A Radiator in the Basement!

(submitted by Larry, some sage advice for Scott Peterson)