Some Available (But Terrible) Porn Star Names

Congrats on your first porn shoot! We’re all ready to begin shooting your debut scene, but first we'll need you to pick a porn name to use in our end credits and IMDB. Here's a dispensary shopping bag full of porn names that you can pick from. Help yourself, but be warned– quite a few of these are stupid:

Him

Fenton L.

Lou Hanging Fruit

Taw Keenaway (from the lyrics to “Take On Me” by a-Ha)

A. Grant FromSchwab

Transthoracic Echocardiogram

Uber Driver

Moe Curly

Her

Meggin’ Strips

Preg Nancy

Amber Alert

Syphilis Diller

Gia Think?

Lunette Ick

Concertina Wyre

Rhoda Dendron

UAG

Mel Tells The Baltimore Story

My cousin Mel tells the story about my mother (who he calls "Auntie Boots") and his last visit to Baltimore.



Click here for more cousin Mel-related fun.

An Imagined Conversation.

"Hello, lady! My name Elmo! You want to count to 10 with Elmo? Okay! Hee hee! Elmo start now! One...two...three...four...hey, what you doing? Elmo trying to count to 10 with nice lady with bowie hunting knife.

"That's okay. Elmo start over with lady, okay? Hee hee! Here we go! One... two... AACHHH! Hey! What the fuck?! You cut Elmo in the back of the neck with that knife! That tore Elmo's fur and that hurts like a son of a...ACCCHHHH!

"Lady, you still cutting me with knife! Elmo not like you! Elmo not count to 10 with nice lady...ACCHHH!!! ACHHHHH!!!! ACHHHHH!!!!"

Exeunt

An Imagined Conversation.

The following photo was found on the front page of the current issue of Local Talk, "New Jersey's Weekly Newspaper Covering Oranges, Irvington, Maplewood, Bloomfield, Montclair, Newark & More:"




Here now is that imagined conversation, already in progress:

Carol: Hey Sally.










Sally: Hi Carol. Sorry I'm late.










Carol: No, you're just in time. Now you can hold up the other end of the sign. I was propping your side up against the newspaper machine there.








Sally: Okay. Do you want coffee? I need a coffee.










Carol: Sally, you just got here.










Sally: I know, but I need my coffee to get the ol' juices flowing. I was in a rush, and I didn't have time to get my hair done, and I had to let the dog out, and...








Carol: "Get the juices flowing?" Sally, really.










Sally: It's not dirty. It's an expression I heard from Cyrus. And you know he doesn't swear.










Carol: Hold the sign straight, Sally. We're protesting here.










Sally: Yes, you're right. SAVE THE DEER!










Carol: SAVE THE DEER!










Sally: SAVE THE DEER!










Carol: SAVE THE... you're shaking the sign, Sally.










Sally: Sorry. This bag of copies is throwing me off.










Carol: Copies?










Sally: Yes, I made copies of my resumé to hand out! You wanna see?









Carol: I don't feel like you're taking this protest seriously, Sally. South Mountain's deer depend on us. And Shirley if she ever gets here.








Sally: Shirley is a whore and a slut.










Carol: SALLY!










Sally: I'm sorry. But the way she stole my sister's husband, I will never forgive her for. She's a homewrecker and a tramp.









Carol: Leave it out of the protest. Keep your mind here to protect the deer. SAVE THE DEER!









Sally: You're going to hate me, Carol, but I'm just not prepared to do this today. You've got your gloves and your Ugg boots, and I don't even have my hair in a bun, and I'm distracted from Shirley stealing Gerald from Anne. And the dog has diarrhea...Wait. Did that man just take a photo of us?





CLICK.

An Estoye Family Tradition

So for four years in a row now, the Estoye family has made it a grand Christmas tradition to not cook and go eat at Denny's instead. (Yeah, I know it's like two months late for this post, but I just had to get that Intimate Agony movie review out ASAP.) We've consistently picked Denny's for the value, the prices, and the great prices we get on value. Plus if you've ever seen the inside of my parents' fridge, you'd not want to eat there, either.

¢¢¢ SFVOSP: DEVELOPING STORY ¢¢¢

The Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was briefly spotted when an elevator stopped on the 22nd floor of 225 North Michigan. A witness glimpsed him when an elevator stopped on 22. The doors to an opposite elevator were closing and he could be seen very, very briefly. He remains very elusive.

What this means:

1) The SFVOSP definitely works in this building.

2) The SFVOSP likely works in the same elevator bank as Cramer-Krasselt.

3) The SFVOSP probably works on the 22nd floor.

4) Joe Nudelman (don't laugh), Andrew Gall, Larry Liss, Todd Crisman, and David Estoye are not delusional.

More to come as this story develops.

(picture above, a witness' rendition of the SFVOSP as seen from the elevator)