UAG

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"You seem to be lost, ladies. Here, you might need some sunscreen."

*swings axe*

"I love doing crowd work."

"Wait. Nothing happened? And you hit F5? How about F4, did you try that? Nothing? Try F3 or F2, and if it still doesn't do anything, I don't know what to tell you..."

"Oh no, a totally realistic alien over there is heading this way. I better run."

*runs in place in front of stock footage that's going a different speed*

"Shannon, we told you to meet us at brunch at TWELVE NOON at HONEYSUCKLE CAFE. So why are you expecting us at Jiffy Lube at 4pm?"

Programming Lineup Changes at Hulu

The following shows and movies will be ADDED TO the Hulu streaming service this month:

• The Equalizer On The Stereo That Dad Keeps Telling You Not To Mess With

• Fatal Stunt Bloopers

• Saved By The Bell: Remote Learning Generation

• Moms Who Get Off Their Ass And Dance For Once

• Boring Woodworking Show Where No One Cuts Off An Arm

The following shows and movies will be REMOVED FROM the Hulu streaming service this month:

• The Step-By-Step Guide To Hacking Your Laptop To Get Free Hulu Forever

• CNN Town Hall with Psychopathic Racist Murderer Who's Running For Public Office

• PBS Anthropological Nudity

• The Married Bachelor

• Antarctica's Got Talent

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Pizza Roll Battles

• CSI: Misdemeanors and Traffic Violations

• Virtual Thong

• Endless Scrolling Lorem Ipsum

• DOOF! A Congressional Story

• Fuck That: Dumb Dares VIII

• E/R Stomach Pump Stories

• Your Horoscope And Why It's All Bullshit

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Grazed Nuts (Owww!)

• Deez Ecuadorians

• Viking Skullfuckers

• Hanna Barbera's Anthropomorphized Farm Animals

• Commie Lezbo & the Green Deal Pinko Abortionists

• My Dick (Close Captioned)

• 3D Hocking A Loogie Inches From Your Little Brother's Face

Pathmarky Mark & The Funky Bunch

EADJ Super-Sneak Peek with Kathy

Hello. I'm Kathy, administrator and blogmaster of Eat A Dick Joel. Although I work mainly behind the scenes at this website, maintaining it and doing lots of administrative work (ugh, paperwork!), I am stepping out from "behind the curtain" just this once to tell you about some blog entry ideas that didn't quite make the cut.

Lots of these are still under development and may actually see the light of day, so here's what you MAY have to look forward to (crossing fingers!):

• Pube or Strand of Wire?
• Microwave Heckler- a segment where we heckle the instructions to your favorite microwavable food items
• EADJ "Feel My Balls"- pretty self explanatory
• Let's Dial a Random eBay Auction Number Into the Phone and See Who Answers!
• Parts of a Vagina- a non-snarky, serious look into female anatomy
• EADJ Concierge Hassle- we call a fancy hotel concierge, pretending to be a guest, and order a hooker. When the hooker arrives, we have sex with them. Hilarious!
• Slipping a Hard Taco Into a Stranger's Pocket and Then Punching It- video segment
• What Is the Deal With Booger Glue? (A 14 Part Series)
• Bryan Dixon Writes Angry Letters To Large Corporations
• The Wolfman Decrees
• EADJ "Falcon Crest" Fan Fiction Corner


Stay tuned to EADJ, and keep your eye out for any of these fantastic new blog entries! Or not.

Spotted in Brooklyn

The guy at the Chinese restaurant finally replaces the missing "F" from his sign, thus avoiding any confusion over whether they also serve Irish food.

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 4: Tribute

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Woody Harrelson and Brittany Murphy are newlyweds who are suckered into buying a house that is literally FALLING APART! Despite their best efforts, hilarious hi-jinx involving ladders, paint buckets, and a rascally St. Bernard ensue. Special guest appearance by Christopher Walken as a bag lady. Rated G.

What The Movie Was Really About: Brittany Murphy is the granddaughter of a famous actress who allegedly committed suicide. She comes to her grandmother's dilapidated home to fix it up and "flip" it. Jason Lewis plays her comic book artist neighbor who is somehow interested in her. Through a series of dream sequences, Brittany's grandmother reveals that she was in fact murdered! Then they catch the killer and holy shit I'm glad this is the last one.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Mark Hamill plays a young farm boy named Luke Skywalker who finds two droids that have escaped from the clutches of Darth Vader and say they need to find an "Obi Wan Kenobi." They deliver a message from Princess Leia to him, along with schematic plans of a planet-sized battle station called the Death Star which Leia asks them to deliver to her home planet Alderaan. The group hire a cocky pilot named Han Solo and his Wookiee first mate Chewbacca to take them there. Instead, they find the planet destroyed and get captured by the Death Star. They avoid capture and eventually free Princess Leia. But Obi Wan confronts Darth Vader in order to assure their escape. Obi Wan is struck down, and the group escapes on Solo's ship, the Millennium Falcon. All of them (except Han Solo) join the Rebel Alliance. The rebels study the Death Star plans and find a weakness in its defenses. They plan their attack just as the Death Star discovers where their base is. They blow up the Death Star (with some last minute help from Han Solo!) and are awarded shiny medals at a fancy ceremony.

Nora Roberts Excellence: Yes, once again the handsome male lead fawns over the female lead although she isn't having it, and quite frankly this time is pretty nasty to him. Brittany Murphy (who I hear is crazy) pouts, mugs and overacts throughout this production. And the guy is so wooden you could mount a backboard on him and shoot a few hoops. AGAIN, this is a terribly weak 'love story' and is more about the murder mystery, peppered with some annoying dream sequences of the grandmother's fabulous dinner parties.

----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Woody Harrelson: -10 pts for just looking like he's in the poster.

Jason Lewis: +60 pts. My wife tells me he was on Sex and the City. So I'm assuming this is a big step up for him. Go get 'em, champ!

Brittany Murphy: -80 pts. Not that her star fell that far or anything. The amount is punitive. Plus I hear she's crazy.





Overall rating: F

State of My Mangina: "Slack but Relieved"

The Dangers of Being a Fanboy.

Pretty much everyone who knows Larry knows of his band, Supra Genius.

And those who receive Larry's Supra Genius emails know that they have a myspace site, where you can check out their excellent songs, shirtless-on-a-hay-wagon promo photos and latest news and whatnot:

Supra Genius on myspace

So the thing is, someone in the band responsible for putting them on myspace (Larry won't say who) got all "friend request" crazy when the spam hookers came calling— he said "YES!" and let such dubious individuals as "DaNIeLLEmaBeLLe," "[NaTaLiA]," and "AnGeLgRaCE" into their circle of friends. So now when someone legit (aka ME) became friends with Supra Genius, the spam hookers latched onto my profile and have infected my inbox like a case of digital herp-herps:



So I say to you Amber Lynn, oOoJENNAoOo, ♥ CrAzY/BeAuTiFuL♥, PaTTYCakeZ, JoannaBanana, I R MEGSTAH, GRkGRL,...MiMi...♥, [vividAlt.], Tushiba, (:dRAMMAKwEEEEEn*:), BETHANY T**TSm and Matt Webb, STOP SPAMMING ME, YOU SLUTS!!!!!! Thank you.