EADJ Pun Police: Space Precinct Edition

"Gear up, space LEOs! It's time for you beat cops to do some patrol work and weed out any insidious puns that you find in this sector of Moon 562. Get to it, officers!"

"Gee, that's painful. But a misdemeanor at worst. Issue a ticket and carry on."

"'WineDown'? That is BAD. A real 4-80 groaner pun there. Take them into custody and maybe let them spend some time in the cooler to think about what they've done."

"Okay, Officer Cybo-3 tracked this one down on the restaurant platform. 'STEAK ME HOME TONIGHT' is egregious. Plus it forces me to hum Eddie Money, so that's a felony."

"Oh, another one from the SAME restaurant? Okay, bring out the paddywagon ship. We're hauling everyone in there to the clink."

"Red alert! We have a code black situation on the restaurant platform! The entire menu is full of horrible seafood puns! Put up the barricades, lock the whole block down! God help us all!"

EADJ Pun Police: Hall Monitor Edition

"All right, guys. The third period bell is about to ring, so make your way to your classrooms. Anyone caught in the hallway will get a tardy or a trip to the principal. And let's keep any puns to a minimum."

"A sign in an Indian eatery. Ugh. Really? They couldn't do better than '(curry)ently?' That's a stern warning from me."

"Simply Ear-Resistable? That means it is resistable, but with ears. BAD BUNNY."

"Okay, this one is waffle... I mean, AWFUL. It deserves a write up. Easily a mark on your record there."

"HAIR YE, HAIR YE. Oh that is painful. Plus the second sentence is just the worst. Here's your violation slip– go directly to the principal's office. And NO RUNNING."

"Aggghh! So many puns! Too many! I'm gonna need back up! Mr. Senheim, come out to the hallway! I'm in over my head here! HEEEELLLLLPP!"

The EADJ Pun Police: Concert Security Edition

Yes, this is a big venue. But the size of the crowd shouldn't keep me from doing my job. HEY YOU,  NO GLASS CONTAINERS ON THE GRASS! Let's keep an eye on the troublemakers and make sure the puns aren't too out of line, shall we?

Okay, that's a bit of a groaner. But it's a bold move to make an abortion joke. I'll allow it.

Rum-Ball. Ugh. That's not too good. Gonna have to kick them out next time they act up.

HEY SUBWAY! That's no way to behave in the pit! You're outta here!

I don't know who you are, but "GNAT A PROBLEM" is an awful pun and strictly forbidden at this venue as stated on your ticket, so you're OUT. OUT!

STOP THE SHOW! EVACUATE THE PREMISES! GET THE TALENT OFF THE STAGE! EVERYONE IS IN DANGER HERE! OUT! OUT! OUT! 

EADJ Pun Police: Kid Kop Edition

I'm Sergeant Tobey Haskins and I'm here to round up all the bad pun suspects and throw 'em in a jail! You better watch out with your dumb wordplays, criminals!

"Now screaming?" It's not too bad, plus it fits the content. I'll let them off with a warning."

"Bin There Dump That?" That's a very punny title. I sentence you to 5 minutes in my treehouse jail with NO Kool-Aid privileges! Watch yourself next time."

"As Gouda As It Gets?! Oh this is AWFUL. I know what gouda cheese is, because my mom let me taste some at Aunt Eunice's dinner party. I didn't like it, just like I DON'T LIKE THIS BAD PUN. Everybody gets a bonk on the head from my nightstick. JUSTICE WILL BE DONE."

"Calling all cars! Calling all cars! I need backup at the gift card section of Barnes and Noble! Officer has been exposed to THREE very bad puns and we need backup! Bring the SWAT team and shoot on sight! Surround the store and surrounding buildings for a 3 block radius. BRING EVERYONE!"

The EADJ Pun Police 2021

"Mornin', Deputy Cezary."

"Morning Captain. I see we're ready to round up some terrible puns today?"

"We are if you are."

"Then let's begin."

"My goodness. That is pretty awful."

"Looks like a handwritten, home-brewed pun than something mass produced. Lucky us."

"'Roux the Day?!' Yikes, Captain! That is just awful. I wonder if they changed the setting of the show to New Orleans just to accommodate that awful pun."

"And what the hell is a 'gourmet detective'?"

"No idea, Captain. Call for backup. This is getting messy."

"LADIY-BOX?! Why would they do that?"

"I'm not sure. They're German, we're a Polish police sitcom, and the pun is English. I'm so confused!"

"EVACUATE THE ENTIRE AREA. CALL IN AN AIR STRIKE"

The EADJ Pun Police: Roman Praetorian Guard Edition

"Fellow Praetorian Guards of glorious Rome. It is our task and vow to protect the Emperor from any and all puns or wordplay. Vigilance shall be our duty to the empire."

"Jesus Shoe Repair is mocking how we crucified that man a few weeks ago. TO THE LIONS WITH THIS STREET COBBLER!"

"Oh, I thought the wordplay was in 'seedy', like somehow it had to do with seeds and water, which confused me. But I see it has to do with the plumbing JOINTS, which isn't an enjoyable pun by any stretch of the imagination! TO THE LIONS WITH THEM!"

"'You may be entitled to condensation.' Never mind the lions- I'll slay this one with a sword myself."

"GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! PROTECT CAESAR FROM THIS PUN BEFORE HE BECOMES AN ACTUAL GHOST! WHY DID I EVEN USE THAT EXPRESSION? IT'S A TOTAL ANACHRONISM!"

The EADJ Pun Police: Hogwarts Disciplinarian Edition

"Welcome class, to Hogwarts. My name is Hazel Showham, and you will call me Ms. Showham. In these halls, you are expected to restrict any magic to the classroom and NOT in the hallways between sessions for the duration of the semester. Also, since you now know the magical properties of words, any type of unauthorized wordplay or 'puns' will be dealt with immediately. Let this be your first and final warning."

"Ugh. WINE-ter? That isn't even close. Punus Eructo!"

"Not impressed. That isn't sophisticated at all. Begon terribulum!"

"Yawn. Awee flotillum!"

"Now this is interesting in how awful it is. It marries Halloween and Star Wars with terrible puns over the lame streetsmart phrase 'Keepin' it real.' Some extra effort was put into this multiple atrocity and will take an extra strong spell to be rid of it. ENTIRUUM GULAG!"

"Song lyrics turned into puns is particularly evil. Very dark evil. Gastrato millipedia!"

"New location? They serve guacamole? I don't love it, but I'll allow it. Stet."

"Oh goody. Food puns galore! With underlines so you GET IT! Punctuatis underlinum! Away!"

"Fie! A multiple pronged, lyrics-based pun! I know no spell powerful enough to suppress or counter it! Evacuate the school, children! Grab your brooms, fly to the nearest exit!"

We Take A Brief Break from 25 Days of Hallmark Movies For A Program Note From EADJ, Courtesy of Fiverr

That might be the first time the ProofrEADJer has ever been pronounced out loud. Thanks to Fiverr seller kishameraa!

EADJ Pun Police: 16th Century Scottish Regent Edition

"Walcome! Whit like? Regent Morton at Aberdour Castle here, strolling the grounds in 16th Century Scotland, reinforcing the daily standard and keeping an extra eye for puns! Wot say here?"

"To-ma-toes. A silly pun. Ultimately harmless. Off you go, rascal! We'll have none of your tomfoolery this evenin'!"

"Ha! In Tents. It's a good laugh. I'm a kind regent with a horse's breadth of leeway. I send thee away with a wink and a slap!"

"Oy, jobby! That is a horrific example of a pun! Two nights in the castle brig for you, Skittles point-of-purchase display!"

"Meh. Me sensibilities are intact, not insulted here. Try harder, you dobber."

"Wheelie cool. Wheelie lazy and lame. I banish thee to the Highlands without a map." 

"Bolt, ya rocket. This tote is heavy from being full of shite!"

Groooaaaan. "The complete prick of a tosser who wrote this should be pummeled with a plançon."

"Two puns in one sentence? Out with the halbert poles! Into the bridewell cage with this wallaper!"

"Gah. Three awful puns in a row. And to a sixties song, to boot! Gonnae no' dae that! Shut yer puss, fannybaws! Bastinado for thee!"

"FOUR?! O mine Gott. Haud yer wheesht! We shall boil them alive, birch them, break the beetroot on a wheel and then behead the lavvy-headed, wispy-haired, leather-faced, bawbag-eyed, huffy wee fuckbumper."