This Week's New Releases On The Documentary Channel

Watching a documentary is like reading a crappy nonfiction book– it's not always correct, but it sure makes you feel smarter. Here are the latest documentaries streaming now:

• Why Running Scared– the 1986 Movie starring Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines as Cops– Never Had a Sequel

• Peachfuckers: People Who Have Sex With Peaches

• In-N-Out Burger Late Night Adventures

• Cannon Cleaners: The Unsung Heroes of the Crimean War

• How Cut & Paste Revolutionized Computing (and How Cut & Paste Revolutionized Computing)

• How Bill Cosby Spends His Time Now (NSFW)

•  The War on Festivus

• Rude Kermit: How You Can Tell When Jim Henson Was Giving Someone the Finger

• Red Lobster's Corporate Structure: Why Zero Lobsters Are C-Level Executives

A Reaction

When Life Throws You Nickelback, Make Nickelbackade.

Nickelback's new album "Dark Horse" is out, and we at EADJ decided to review it. But instead of exposing ourselves to all 11 tracks of Chad Kroeger's output, we decided to get individual track reviews from 11 Toucan Cleric's Funsters. Folks were asked to review their respective tracks in three short sentences. Some people don't listen.


Track 1. Something In Your Mouth (3:38) reviewed by Matt S

A haiku:

Singing about whores,
Candlebox can do that too
Tools from Canada.


Track 2. Burn It To The Ground (3:31) reviewed by Larry K
"Kind of disappointing since I usually like Nickelback. Like almost every Nickelback song, it had the requisite lyrics about boozing, women, partying and use of the word "shit" twice, but lacked the sing-along-with-the-radio quality of their older stuff. And at least when Andrew WK does songs about nothing but debauchery, they are fun and only last 1:30. This song was too ordinary to care for 3:31."


Track 3. Gotta Be Somebody (4:13) reviewed by Tom Weingard
"Chad “The Freddy” Kroeger notes mid-song that ‘everyone wants to know they’re not alone.’ I beg to differ, Chad, because I think people DO want to know they’re alone, particularly when they’re taking a dump. I know this one time I was dropping the kids off at the pool and some rapscallion peeked his head over the stall and spat a lugie on top of my head."


Track 4. I'd Come For You (4:22) reviewed by Lorraine
"Despite its potentially sexually charged title, 'I'd come for you' remains in sync with recent Nickelback hits. Following a similar melodic pattern and tune as previous work, the song conveys just how far they would go for the person they love. Sweet and simple, it hits the musical spot without asking the listener to really consider much deep thought behind the lyrics."


Track 5. Next Go Round (3:45) reviewed by Joanne S
"Big fan of the metal influence, especially with the longer intro. I would be troubled by the lyrics until you remember that it's Nickelback and all "rock" bands sing about sex -- either how they're having it, they want more of it, or they are too f*cked up to get it up."


Track 6. Just To Get High (4:02) reviewed by Craig C
"You'd have to be high to like this song about the perils of getting high. This song is perfect to alienate your meth addict fan base. If your a Nickelback fan, please O.D."


Track 7. Never Gonna Be Alone (3:47) reviewed by Barry
"Fact: Nickelback is at their angry best when they want to kick your ass (“Never Again.”) That’s why this miserable attempt at a ballad – an overheated, vapid ode to the importance of stickin’ with your lover – is about as depressing and emasculating as seeing Kimbo Slice appear on “Dancing With The Stars.” However, Mutt Lange’s signature polish, complete with liberal doses of 12-string guitar, will be enough to make this a staple at Gen Y proms next May."


Track 8. Shakin' Hands (3:39) reviewed by Bowen M
"It's amazing. Just amazing. I almost makes me wish I were White Trash."



Track 9. S.E.X. (3:55) reviewed by Beth Stone
"S - So helpful if you need a mnemonic device for spelling your favorite physical activity
E - Evocative of 80s hair metal bands, with a punchy pop beat; one can't help but swing their hair wildly to the opening chords and following melody
X - Xtremely likely this is what Angelina and Brad play while fornicating and roleplaying as their Mr. and Mrs. Smith characters."


Track 10. If Today Was Your Last Day (4:08) reviewed by Brynn
"It sounds like today is his last day. This song is not awe-inspiring it just has all the cheesy inspirational quotes squeezed into a solitary song. It sounds exactly like all their other songs, boo that."


Track 11. This Afternoon (4:34) reviewed by Katie H
"While this is not a song I would purchase on Itunes I can see it being
popular in the pop genre. It sounds a lot like a poppy version of "Photograph" with different story but along the same line (if that makes sense). This band confuses me in the way as to what direction and fan base they are going for? The poppy Z100 listeners or true rock and roll lovers? On a scale of 1 - 10 (being the Best) I would rate this a 7."

A Conversation I Had With Chad Kroeger From Nickelback After Waking Up In His Arms One Morning

"Good morning."
"Hi."
"What time is it?"
"11:22."
"Aren't you Chad Kroeger From Nickelback?"
"Yeah."
"What happened last night?"
"Nothing. I'm pretty sure we just spooned."
"Oh."
(awkward pause)
"Why did we spoon?"
"Who knows. These things just happen."
"Just so you know, I'm not gay."
"Well, neither am I."
"That did feel nice, though."
"Yeah, didn't it?"
(another awkward pause)
"You know your music fucking sucks, right?"
"Don't ruin the moment."

Exeunt