The Coldest Editing Suite Ever(est)

2nd Story at Toucan Cleric's Fun. Easily the coldest. But perfect for slumber parties.

EADJ Album Artwork Project Music Revealed

Album #1: "The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza"
Track: "Yippiekayay Motherfucker"


Larry: Well, I was right that the cover and band name were cute and the music wouldn’t be, but never expected thrash guitar. Ironically, the music gave me the exact same headache I used to get as a kid from drinking Kool-Aid.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: this hurts my ears. too much rumbling and gnashing of teeth. not what i was expecting from mr. kool aid.

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Album #2: Günther, "Pleasureman"
Track: "I Am Your Man"


Larry: I was pretty close here. I predicted that this douche was legit lame and not an act. I should have said, “Like Justin Timberlake with less talent, technology from 1982, and a disco baseline from 1972.”

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: Equal parts gutteral growl, speed metal, and the sound of poop hitting toilet water. Large dick-n-balls inflatables engulf the stage during their live shows.


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Album #3: Vinte!, "EP 2009"
Track: "Garota Photoshop"


Larry: Oooh, close(ish) again. Their sound (Musically tight alternative tunes, but unoriginal) is exactly what I expected the Tony Danza Tapdance Experience to sound like. I was off on the punk/rap fusion for sure. Still I did predict a foreign language. One point for me.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: again, what i expected. these guys can't get hard. like, ever.

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Album #4: Bionic Ghost Kids, "Poison Ivy"
Track: "Poison Ivy"


Larry: The track had pop/alt piano opening, then screeching anger metal, then at the :46 mark, it more or less became exactly what I expected. Over-produced electronic music. Though the chipmunk voice still confuses me.
Then the three styles flip back and forth. Still, I think I get some credit for predicting “they can’t make good music. I’ll say electronica with vocals mixed in.” That describes the bulk of the track.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: good piano playing at the beginning, poor everything else. the piano was probably the dog's doing. and why the chipmunks?

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Correction: Merauder is actually the name of the band, not God Is I.

Album #5: Merauder, "God Is I"
Track: "Hell Captive"


Larry: Okay, I think I got this one 100% right. Though this was probably the easiest call of the bunch.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: literally the same as tony danza. but it fits the art better, at least.

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Album #6: Scotty Vanity, "Eyeliner Is Spiffy"
Track: "I Like Your Hair"


Larry: You have got to be fucking kidding me. Predicting that this train wreck might be a prodigy or be in any way able to make good music was an all time wrong answer. By predicting he’d be a misunderstood musical talent, I insulted anyone and everyone who ever did have an ounce of talent. I officially apologize to Adam Lambert, musicians anywhere, anyone who ever whistled a tune in the shower, anyone who ever hummed a tune in an elevator, any passing train or car with an engine that roared even semi-rhythmically, and any dog, cat, whale or other animal who accidentally makes a partially melodious sound. Scotty doesn’t know!

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: boring. this one is actually the most right on to what i predicted.

EADJ Album Artwork Project, Round 2

Once again we have folks guess what musical acts sound like based on the album artwork. This time we asked three people: Larry K, Brynn, and Andrew.


Album #1: "The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza"


Larry: I’m guessing that, despite the name, there is no connection to either Tony Danza or tap dance. The wise-ass goofy name, distressed black background and retro-cool Kool Aid guy makes me think this is a band in the pop-punk-alternative mode. Like an early Green Day. I bet they’re an awesome band playing Goo Goo Dolls and Fu Fighters covers at a local bar, but their own stuff is considerably less appealing. Or they’re simply a band that just caters to poor, thirsty kids who like the taste of red food coloring.

Brynn: Cheesy 80s

Andrew: Self-important, like drawing feet on a potato, this stupid techno blitz of bleeps and bloops brings to mind awfulness, candy necklaces, and a guy taking a dump in a club bathroom. The dual ironic borrowed interest, in short, reeks.


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Album #2: Günther, "Pleasureman"


Larry: I was gonna say this is a goof as well. Like the picture is an inside joke and the music can’t be as lame as implied. But then I saw the umlaut in “gunther.” This might be legit. So I’ll say a cheesy euro douche who tries to sing sexy electronic pop and ballads. Like Justin Timberlake with less talent and technology from 1982.

Brynn: Dance/techno/eurotrash

Andrew: This isn’t really fair for me to review, as Mark Nikowlowski once sent out one of this dude’s songs in an attempt at humor on the company bullshit list. From the looks of it, it’s a dude banging a spoon on a triangle at varied speeds. Again, this one isn’t fair. I’m too close to it.


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Album #3: Vinte!, "EP 2009"


Larry: The usual not-so-great white kid punk rap fusion. Like the Beasties but just not. Except for some reason (perhaps the name “Vinte!”) I feel like they sing bilingually.

Brynn: 90's white Italian hip hop

Andrew: These guys sing about girls who have dumped them for not getting hard, then they go shred. Also, I love that Justin Long is on the bottom.



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Album #4: Bionic Ghost Kids, "Poison Ivy"


Larry: Wow. Not a clue. I’m guessing kids who can dance pretty well, and somehow managed to leverage that into an album despite the fact that they can’t make good music. I’ll say electronica with vocals mixed in. Or maybe an uncool, all-male Evanescence.

Brynn: beat boxing

Andrew: Fuse a drum machine and a-capella rants about society and you have this group. The guy in the mask doesn’t do anything but dance around mutely while shaking his fist and occasionally doing handstands. The dog was just borrowed for the photo shoot and plays no role in the overall group dynamic.


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Album #5: God Is I, "Merauder"


Larry: An homage to the classic 80’s death medal. Design a cool album cover and t-shirt (Megadeth, Anthrax, etc). THEN make music. I’ll say heavy metal...tightly played yet too loud/noisy to be good.

Brynn: Pop metal (according to Joanne)

Andrew: Equal parts gutteral growl, speed metal, and the sound of poop hitting toilet water. Large dick-n-balls inflatables engulf the stage during their live shows.


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Album #6: Scotty Vanity, "Eyeliner Is Spiffy"


Larry: Is “I was touched by daddy” a musical style? This kid’s a mess. But for some unknown reason, I’m guessing that he’s the most talented of this whole lot and has the best (most worthwhile) music. He probably has a sound that works, and some instrumental skills (possible even a terrific piano/keyboard player?)...but lacks the big voice. He wishes he was Adam Lambert, but instead he’s just a solid, yet unspectacular prodigy turned wannabe.

Brynn: wanna be boy george

Andrew: What that “leave Britney alone” meme would sound if set to music. It sounds like he plays the piano with his ass. Come to think of it, he probably does. Hoarse voice due to chain smoking and constant cackle noises.


(EADJ will post MP3s of the featured musical acts tomorrow, along with our esteemed panel's reaction to said music.)

Heroes, Episode 3

Yawn.

Heroes, Episode 2

Brynn and Joanne continue to one-up NBC when it comes to script writing for "Heroes."

Heroes: The Brynn & Joanne Special Edition

Here's footage of Brynn & Joanne playing dolly with some Heroes action figures, which if you ask me, is far superior to the actual series.

Someone Owes Heineken Some Money.

Spotted in midtown yesterday, a video taxi-top ad that no workie.



Brynn tried to help, but it wasn't a touch-screen.

That's One Tough Wrap.

Mental note: never buy Saran Wrap from a Dollar Store again.

Meanwhile, During The Sound Record...

Pictured above, Brynn doesn't realize she's sort of making fun of Danny's hairdo.

New EADJ Segment: Let's Read Some Cartoons That My Dad FWD'd Via Email!

Cap'n Brynn o' the Cursed Houndstooth Pearl

Yaaaarrrr! Ahoy, ye scurvy scallywags and lily-livered curs! Me ship be plunderin' and carryin' on the sweet trade on the high seas! Aye, a sword in the belly is a fair trade fer twenty doubloons and a bottle of rum, me hearties! With salt in yer eyes and the grog in yer belly, 'tis a merry course we chart upon the treacherous waters of Columbus Circle.

Why, me sea-farin' lassies and I set anchor at yon Coach Store with our newfound booty from a night o' pillagin' and pilates. Gangway! A fine turquoise Peyton handbag fer less than 600 pieces of eight blows wind in me topsails, ye mangy seadogs! And the new spring pattern for a Penelope Swingpack, aye, is a prize I've kept me telescope on since I first spotted her in the November Vanity Fair. Yarrrr!

Sublime Nonsense 10

Click.

When Life Throws You Nickelback, Make Nickelbackade.

Nickelback's new album "Dark Horse" is out, and we at EADJ decided to review it. But instead of exposing ourselves to all 11 tracks of Chad Kroeger's output, we decided to get individual track reviews from 11 Toucan Cleric's Funsters. Folks were asked to review their respective tracks in three short sentences. Some people don't listen.


Track 1. Something In Your Mouth (3:38) reviewed by Matt S

A haiku:

Singing about whores,
Candlebox can do that too
Tools from Canada.


Track 2. Burn It To The Ground (3:31) reviewed by Larry K
"Kind of disappointing since I usually like Nickelback. Like almost every Nickelback song, it had the requisite lyrics about boozing, women, partying and use of the word "shit" twice, but lacked the sing-along-with-the-radio quality of their older stuff. And at least when Andrew WK does songs about nothing but debauchery, they are fun and only last 1:30. This song was too ordinary to care for 3:31."


Track 3. Gotta Be Somebody (4:13) reviewed by Tom Weingard
"Chad “The Freddy” Kroeger notes mid-song that ‘everyone wants to know they’re not alone.’ I beg to differ, Chad, because I think people DO want to know they’re alone, particularly when they’re taking a dump. I know this one time I was dropping the kids off at the pool and some rapscallion peeked his head over the stall and spat a lugie on top of my head."


Track 4. I'd Come For You (4:22) reviewed by Lorraine
"Despite its potentially sexually charged title, 'I'd come for you' remains in sync with recent Nickelback hits. Following a similar melodic pattern and tune as previous work, the song conveys just how far they would go for the person they love. Sweet and simple, it hits the musical spot without asking the listener to really consider much deep thought behind the lyrics."


Track 5. Next Go Round (3:45) reviewed by Joanne S
"Big fan of the metal influence, especially with the longer intro. I would be troubled by the lyrics until you remember that it's Nickelback and all "rock" bands sing about sex -- either how they're having it, they want more of it, or they are too f*cked up to get it up."


Track 6. Just To Get High (4:02) reviewed by Craig C
"You'd have to be high to like this song about the perils of getting high. This song is perfect to alienate your meth addict fan base. If your a Nickelback fan, please O.D."


Track 7. Never Gonna Be Alone (3:47) reviewed by Barry
"Fact: Nickelback is at their angry best when they want to kick your ass (“Never Again.”) That’s why this miserable attempt at a ballad – an overheated, vapid ode to the importance of stickin’ with your lover – is about as depressing and emasculating as seeing Kimbo Slice appear on “Dancing With The Stars.” However, Mutt Lange’s signature polish, complete with liberal doses of 12-string guitar, will be enough to make this a staple at Gen Y proms next May."


Track 8. Shakin' Hands (3:39) reviewed by Bowen M
"It's amazing. Just amazing. I almost makes me wish I were White Trash."



Track 9. S.E.X. (3:55) reviewed by Beth Stone
"S - So helpful if you need a mnemonic device for spelling your favorite physical activity
E - Evocative of 80s hair metal bands, with a punchy pop beat; one can't help but swing their hair wildly to the opening chords and following melody
X - Xtremely likely this is what Angelina and Brad play while fornicating and roleplaying as their Mr. and Mrs. Smith characters."


Track 10. If Today Was Your Last Day (4:08) reviewed by Brynn
"It sounds like today is his last day. This song is not awe-inspiring it just has all the cheesy inspirational quotes squeezed into a solitary song. It sounds exactly like all their other songs, boo that."


Track 11. This Afternoon (4:34) reviewed by Katie H
"While this is not a song I would purchase on Itunes I can see it being
popular in the pop genre. It sounds a lot like a poppy version of "Photograph" with different story but along the same line (if that makes sense). This band confuses me in the way as to what direction and fan base they are going for? The poppy Z100 listeners or true rock and roll lovers? On a scale of 1 - 10 (being the Best) I would rate this a 7."

Some Lo-Jinx At Work

A group of us at Toucan Cleric's Fun try to lift big Dan using that old slumber party trick "Light As a Feather, Stiff As a Board." The major difference between doing it when we were six and doing it now was that we were way lighter then.


Stay tuned in the coming weeks for our sad attempt #2!

The Series Finale: "At Long Last"

Teaser trailer:



Sunday's series finale to "Brynn 'nn Matt" featured all-star special appearances by Candice Bergen, Candace Bushnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, America Ferrera, Dom Deluise, both of those guys from "Wings," Armistead Maupin, Kathy Griffin, Oprah Winfrey, Joy Behar, Debra Messing, Billy Zane, Dean Cain, Chelsea Handler, Mo Rocca, Frangela, Tim Gunn, Heidi Klum, Perez Hilton, Tyra Banks, Jenna Jameson, Kennedy, Downtown Julie Brown, Julie Brown, Judy Tenuta, MC Skat Kat, and Emmanuel Lewis.

Viewing parties all around the country saw the two star-crossed account executives saying goodbye as one sets out on a different path.

"I was crying throughout the whole thing," sobbed Kristy Cheever, 23, at her viewing party in Sacramento, "It was just soooo sad to see all these beloved characters saying goodbye to each other. And I can't believe how he finally said goodbye in that hot air balloon over Central Park. It was sooooo romantic!"

ABC is already working on a spinoff series titled "Joanne" which follows one of the key "B'nn M" characters and her wacky misadventures.

Sublime Nonsense #2

Larry K sez: "With the fates of the Mets and Phillies likely to be decided this weekend, I figured I'd get this to you now to keep it timely."

Click to enlarge:


Larry has just doubled his output.

Today's Weather in Midtown

62°F, Mostly Cloudy
Wind: E at 6 mph
Humidity: 55%

But still not warm enough to justify this:


Tom says the dude totally checks out Matt's ass in the second clip.

Guess Who Doesn't Care Anymore Now That He's Leaving?

Come to think of it, Matt has been pretty short with me lately.

Btw, lots of requests for a final installment of "What Matt Thinks" and possibly a series finale to the ABC TV program "Brynn 'nn Matt."

Unmitigated Failure

I spotted this earlier today. Fancy that.

RELATED UPDATE: In a creative meeting, I stood between Brynn & Larry K. I congratulated Brynn for winning and she said, "Thanks." Then the CD overheard and asked, "What'd you win?" And Brynn and Larry K muttered, "Rolly Wrap." HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Judgment Day.

Larry K judged the Rolly Wrap contest at 4pm yesterday. He evaluated the entries not just on accuracy as was originally planned but on artistic merit and overall presentation.


Entry 1 by Joanne
"Close," Larry commented, "Everyone assumes that spiral." But the process of making a Rolly Wrap, Larry says, involves a little more.



Entry 2 by Brynn
Entry 2 was also close on accuracy but Larry pointed out that a Rolly Wrap is "not open on the ends." He described the bread as not starting out as a wrap, but like pizza dough that they pinch off at the ends ("like a toffee") and then bake, so that it's entirely enclosed. Still, this entry had the "best accuracy for how they make it."


Entry 3 by Tom
"Tortured." Larry K noted how the artist's anger towards a client had the Verizon Test Man inside the wrap, which was one thing, but the toothpick was "gratuitously violent."



Entry 4 by Mike Gambino
"A little ostentatious." Larry likened this entry to a kid he knew in school who could draw a little too well, being courted at 16 to draw Marvel Comics after graduation. He did, however, like the aesthetic choice to go retro with the roller skate instead of a rollerblade.

Entry 5 by Kat
This one surprised Larry. He actually thought this was from a writer because of its crudeness and being the most "3-year old."

Entry 6 by Bowen
"Avant Garde. But just feels so incredibly wrong."
Larry commends the artist for going different ("I appreciate Warholian anarchy") but he couldn't get behind it.

So overall, Larry called the entire contest "an unmitigated failure across the board," but forced to decide, he went with entry #2 for being "closest to how it's actually made." So congratulations, Brynn, come claim your free Rolly Wrap gift bag whenever.