UAG

Join Us As We Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye-bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye!

"I See Heaven's Glories Shine and Pathmark Shines Equal." -Emily Bronte

Happy All Hallows Eve From Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ wish you the Happiest of Halloweens, hoping you get all full-sized, brand name candy bars and zero grandma candy. Be safe out there, children!

The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of September Edition

This plumbing company also decorates donuts.

And yes, I'm an asshole for including this, but a typo's a typo.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Take a Screenshot On Android ZTE ZMAX

1) Make sure the image you want to capture is displayed on the screen.

2) Press and hold the Power and Volume down buttons at the same time.

3) The screenshot is automatically saved in your Gallery.

And speaking of gallery, I'm no art critic, but it's been my experience that the best artists don't sit in the back of a limo and brag about how many dollars their paintings sold for at Sotheby's or whatever just to get the lady friend they're with to sleep with them. Stay safe, kids!

The ProofrEADJer: A September To Remember Edition

UAG

I can't tell, either.

The ProofrEADJer, September Edition

Learn to read!

The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Models: What Would They Drive?

It certainly has been a long enough time (June 2014, to be exact) since we visited the models in the baffling NJ Transit brochure. Today we ponder the question, if they didn't have to ride on a commuter train to work, what type of car would these motherfuckers drive? Here now is a fun, rhetorical exercise:

1. Jesse: 1972 Cutlass Supreme

The rugged lines and powerful motor of the 1972 Cutlass Supreme would go to waste with Jesse as its owner, whose slack ass would turn it quickly into a "hoarder car" filled with cheeseburger wrappers.

2. Jess: 1997 Pontiac Grand Am

An average gal like Jess, driving an average, champagne (!) colored piece of shit Pontiac? That seems about right.

3. Angie: 2009 Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport

What can we say? Angie applies herself.

4. Trina: 1993 Chevy Lumina Van (Blue)

One would think with cleavage flashing like that, that Trina would end up with a nicer car. But here's what you don't understand: Trina has a bad back from her boobs and needs to load groceries from Costco without straining. It's a medical thing. Try not to judge.

5. Don With The Thumbs: 2003 Ford Taurus

Who's got two thumbs and tools around in an unremarkable rental car? THIS GUY

6. Simon Peter: Goat Cart, Circa 1926

Simon Peter is a suck-up and an idiot. This is what he deserves. Fuck him.

The EADJ Pun Cops: The Equalizer (Classic TV Show, Non-Denzel) Edition

"Well, hello. I see you've seen my newspaper ad and have left me a message on my answering machine for help with your situation. I understand the urgency and the sensitivity of your dilemma, and I'm here to help, I assure you. Shall we get started? Excellent."

"'Reggae Bash?' As in the gentleman is about to bash the camera with his fists? No, I cannot say that this is a pun at all. Are you sure this wasn't a misfiled EADJ entry into 'This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness?' I believe so."

[Waves gun at mixtape producers until they scurry away]

"Oh, dear. It looks like Chick-Fil-A have overstepped their boundaries of good puns. 'Sear to sear' isn't even close, and 'You go, grill' is just moan-worthy. Well, let's not tarry, shall we?"

[Guns down entire Chick-Fil-A marketing department, adjusts tie]

"Oh, I see. I am familiar with the music of Queen- seeing how they are from the same country as I- so there might be a bit of leniency in order here. I'll allow it. For just this once."

[Fires blanks at newspaper editors until they wet their pants. Adjusts sleeves of his blazer]

"Great God. That is terrible. Terrible. Terrible."

[Pulls RPG out of trunk of Jaguar. Blows entire area to smithereens]

CSI EADJ: Season 4

Whatever mysteries are out there, whatever unsolved cases lay untouched in the cold case files, the forensics team at EADJ will piece together the evidence and get down to the bottom of things.

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CASE 489576
Location: The Grand Central Terminal subway stop, NYC

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CASE 489577

Location: 46th Street and Lexington, NYC

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CASE 489578

Location: Downtown South Orange, NJ