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DoorDash Photography Entry

Protip for DoorDashers: When taking a photo of the delivered food, avoid using a flash so you don't capture the terrifying eyes of the resident's scary but harmless dog in the window:

The Most Terrifying Movie Poster I've Seen This Year

LOOK at this terrifying thing. Oh my God. Their eyes are DEAD. DEAD. They both have lifeless marbles instead of where their souls should be. Two doll-headed simulacra from the depths of Hell. AHHHHHH!

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

AHHHH!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Summary: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

The ProofrEADJer: December Edition

Smecial Dreams Entry

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An IM Convo

Click to enlarge

Female Hormones and Their Effect On Craftmaking

Delusional behavior sometimes happens to women during pregnancy. The process of bringing life to the world is often accompanied by unexpected complications and imbalance. The woman goes through a series of physical and hormonal changes during this period which are often accompanied by erratic behavior and the desire to make a mold of their distended abdomen for craft purposes. This tendency is known as "belly casting,' and often occurs in towns that have one of those "paint your own pottery on a really shitty date" places.

Many women experience belly casting during menstrual periods, but the intensity of belly casting during pregnancy and its implications are far greater. The remedies for these attacks are simple, and if applied at the right time in the right way, they can fend off regrettable damage to the mother's and child's home decor.

The causes of belly casting during pregnancy are numerous. The feeling of insecurity and the fear of unknown pains and procedures grip the mind of the women on most of the occasions; moreover, the hormonal changes occur at a very fast pace. Medicine also causes side effects, and as result, the level of taste of a pregnant woman becomes very compromised. How else can a household explain having a misshapen multi-colored papier-mâché eyesore with "Colton" written on it on the dining room table?

The first and the most basic way to treat potential belly casting is to remove all yarn, craft scissors, glitter blue and googly eyes from your pregnant wife's sight. Secondly, the woman should be provided with proper activities like doing hard drugs to prevent any possible craftmaking or scrapbooking. Amen.

Will The Real Joel Thomas, Please Eat Dick?

Way back in EADJ Entry #300, we Googled "Joel Thomas" to see what picture came up. This did:


So now it's time to Google his name again and see what Joel Thomas wonders the Internet has in store for us:








Apparently, the Internet's getting better.

Joy Pumps

Thanks to the baffling fifth respondent to my wife's Craigslist ad in the last entry, I decided to search "Joy Pumps" in Google Images. Here's what came up:

A True Story

Barry, a guy I've known since Portfolio School in Atlanta, who also happens to live two blocks down from me AND is a co-worker one floor from me (Jeez, back OFF man) was recently given the green light by his allergist that he could eat mollusks. So last weekend he enjoyed some, but within a couple of hours, he was already feeling queasy.


Barry turned to the Internet and Googled the phrase "i get sick every time I eat mollusks," and sure enough, the twentieth entry was EAT A DICK JOEL!


Eat A Dick Joel has decided to award Barry the Jade Mollusk Award for coming across EADJ totally randomly by using a phrase with "mollusk" in it. Barry's new award is at the bottom of this page. Congrats, Barry! Put this on your resume!

Back in the Saddle. Or Feedbag.

Returning to form, Joel racked up a staggering 4,530 dicks in one day today, chowing down such a copious amount of dick that it affected the tides.

Joel put on his dick-eating bib at 5am this morning, tore out of his one bedroom flat and gave a shrill war cry/mating call that rivaled the howls of a hyena giving ectopic birth. The amount of eaten dick lying in his wake on La Cienega Ave made it look like an aircraft carrier full of dicks collided with a dirigible full of dicks over a supercollider full of dicks on the lip of a volcano erupting with dicks.

Joel has now joined the leaderboard of dick eaters for today's round, bumping Phil Mickelson and Vijay Singh from the 3rd and 4th place slots, and finishing 4 strokes ahead of Sabbatini.

By 4pm, Joel had blazed through so much dick that he had to pause briefly to build a scrapbook about the morning to document the achievement. He stopped by JoAnn Fabrics to get glitter yarn, puffy stickers, and dick-shaped stencils to build the 28 pages of dick-eating memories. Also googly eyes.

(pictured above, ESPN makes a racist Wesley Snipes joke)