Let's Smear Day-Old Guacamole All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

(Photo is unrelated)

 

This from Matt S:


I am in the middle of a drawn out battle with a furniture retailer in NJ, and have been given the runaround and been lied to while my son sleeps on the floor because they can't deliver furniture, their only job requirement.

In addition to contacting the BBB and (no one knows this, Fox 5 and Channel 7) I've just made a tumblr blog about this.

http://cribcitymakeskidssleeponthefloor.tumblr.com/

Can you push this to your readers? I'd love for it to start making traction!

----------------


Thanks, Matt.

We feel for your son because of this travesty of customer disservice, but as a blog that mainly covers terrible movies and dick jokes, I gotta say this might not be the right forum for this issue to air.

Still, in our 6 year history, we have never turned a blind eye to an infant's troubles. Okay, maybe that once. But still, we're with you, Matt, and we'll share that link with both of our blog readers.


http://cribcitymakeskidssleeponthefloor.tumblr.com/

 

Matt, hope this makes up for that time we pantsed you at Busch Gardens that summer.

Let's Put Neosporin On The EADJ Mail Sack Without Washing The Wound And Watch It Get Infected Anyway!

Submitted by Matt S.:

"your blog title...immortalized"

Let's Almost Forget To Submit A Daily Entry For The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Matt S., a piece of obvious (and generic) plot summary for "House."

Three Stupid Captchas

And this one submitted by Matt S., who apparently torrents from work:

Three Stupid Monday Morning Captchas

A South Park-inspired one from Matt S:


And this one when I tried to comment on Larry K's blog Missing Link:


Hey, update your blog, Larry! It's been seven months!

Another note: You'll notice on that last screenshot that there's a second tab with the now-defunct "They Said This" blog that Dan had built. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. Goddamn, I miss that blog.

This Week In Stupid Captchas

Submitted by Matt S:

R.I.P., Ronnie James Dio

So, Ronnie James Dio passed away this weekend from stomach cancer, which totally sucks, because he was in a bunch of great metal bands, including Black Sabbath, Rainbow, and Dio. Matt S wrote to EADJ:

"Bring back the pic of the train guy as a memorial."


And for a minute, I thought he meant this:


...which isn't a memorial at all. Except to good music.

Be cool and purchase Dio's "Rainbow In the Dark" from iTunes here.

Let's Throw Away The Leftover Fennel Bulb Bits That Vince's Uncle Roberto Left Into the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Matt S, a question about his partner Larry is answered:

Kathy From Yesterday Was Right.

Some of those Sneak Peek possibles might be regular EADJ entries. Like the "Wolfman Decrees" one inspired Matt S to submit a captcha:

Preface this image with "Diagnosed with..."

A Non-Mystery Solved

Matt S and Larry K told me the other day about a breakfast incident at Old Bridge Deli: Matt ordered a sausage biscuit with cheese and was refused. He said they refused on grounds that they won't put sausage with cheese for some reason. They also pointed out that the Deli was under new management, so that might be a new bizarre policy.


My first thought was, maybe the new managers are trying to be like, kosher. Mixtures of milk and meat are prohibited according to Jewish Law, based on a verse (Exodus 34:26) in the Old Testament.

Talmudic rabbis believed that the Biblical text only forbade eating a mixture of milk and meat, but because the Biblical regulation is triplicated they imposed three distinct regulations to represent it:

* not cooking meat and milk together (regardless of whether the result was eaten)
* not eating milk and meat together (regardless of whether it was cooked together)
* not benefiting from the mixture in any other way

This theory, with regards to the Old Bridge Deli, was quickly exploded by Matt:
"Sausage, duh."

So Matt & Larry encouraged me to investigate the matter myself. Which I did this morning. And oddly enough, I got sausage, egg and cheese on a croissant without a hitch.




It is currently unknown whether they were discriminating against Matt for some reason, but stay with EADJ News for the latest on this developing story. Also, we will be watching closely whether this new management will pay their city taxes or experience electrical problems.

Project Fountain: Recap, Postmortem, and Next Steps

Since our last Project Fountain entry on December 15, there hasn't been any activity at the Old Bridge Deli dining area, either from a hiding-toys-in-the-fountain standpoint or a reason-to-eat-there-to-see-if-anyone-noticed standpoint. The sudden removal of ALL the toys on December 10 (from now on known as "The Great Purge") left little to rebuild on, a veritable scorched earth policy that has left the region barren for half a year. Fortunately, some donations for future placement by Larry K and Matt S could revitalize this project. Enough time has also passed for the management of the Old Bridge Deli to have forgotten about last year's invasion, so EADJ looks forward to reporting any potential new developments in Project Fountain. But if Old Bridge Deli employees are somehow reading this blog, no, we are just talking abstractly and are NOT planning anything. Hey, look over there!

That's One Tough Wrap.

Mental note: never buy Saran Wrap from a Dollar Store again.

Sublime Nonsense 10

Click.

When Life Throws You Nickelback, Make Nickelbackade.

Nickelback's new album "Dark Horse" is out, and we at EADJ decided to review it. But instead of exposing ourselves to all 11 tracks of Chad Kroeger's output, we decided to get individual track reviews from 11 Toucan Cleric's Funsters. Folks were asked to review their respective tracks in three short sentences. Some people don't listen.


Track 1. Something In Your Mouth (3:38) reviewed by Matt S

A haiku:

Singing about whores,
Candlebox can do that too
Tools from Canada.


Track 2. Burn It To The Ground (3:31) reviewed by Larry K
"Kind of disappointing since I usually like Nickelback. Like almost every Nickelback song, it had the requisite lyrics about boozing, women, partying and use of the word "shit" twice, but lacked the sing-along-with-the-radio quality of their older stuff. And at least when Andrew WK does songs about nothing but debauchery, they are fun and only last 1:30. This song was too ordinary to care for 3:31."


Track 3. Gotta Be Somebody (4:13) reviewed by Tom Weingard
"Chad “The Freddy” Kroeger notes mid-song that ‘everyone wants to know they’re not alone.’ I beg to differ, Chad, because I think people DO want to know they’re alone, particularly when they’re taking a dump. I know this one time I was dropping the kids off at the pool and some rapscallion peeked his head over the stall and spat a lugie on top of my head."


Track 4. I'd Come For You (4:22) reviewed by Lorraine
"Despite its potentially sexually charged title, 'I'd come for you' remains in sync with recent Nickelback hits. Following a similar melodic pattern and tune as previous work, the song conveys just how far they would go for the person they love. Sweet and simple, it hits the musical spot without asking the listener to really consider much deep thought behind the lyrics."


Track 5. Next Go Round (3:45) reviewed by Joanne S
"Big fan of the metal influence, especially with the longer intro. I would be troubled by the lyrics until you remember that it's Nickelback and all "rock" bands sing about sex -- either how they're having it, they want more of it, or they are too f*cked up to get it up."


Track 6. Just To Get High (4:02) reviewed by Craig C
"You'd have to be high to like this song about the perils of getting high. This song is perfect to alienate your meth addict fan base. If your a Nickelback fan, please O.D."


Track 7. Never Gonna Be Alone (3:47) reviewed by Barry
"Fact: Nickelback is at their angry best when they want to kick your ass (“Never Again.”) That’s why this miserable attempt at a ballad – an overheated, vapid ode to the importance of stickin’ with your lover – is about as depressing and emasculating as seeing Kimbo Slice appear on “Dancing With The Stars.” However, Mutt Lange’s signature polish, complete with liberal doses of 12-string guitar, will be enough to make this a staple at Gen Y proms next May."


Track 8. Shakin' Hands (3:39) reviewed by Bowen M
"It's amazing. Just amazing. I almost makes me wish I were White Trash."



Track 9. S.E.X. (3:55) reviewed by Beth Stone
"S - So helpful if you need a mnemonic device for spelling your favorite physical activity
E - Evocative of 80s hair metal bands, with a punchy pop beat; one can't help but swing their hair wildly to the opening chords and following melody
X - Xtremely likely this is what Angelina and Brad play while fornicating and roleplaying as their Mr. and Mrs. Smith characters."


Track 10. If Today Was Your Last Day (4:08) reviewed by Brynn
"It sounds like today is his last day. This song is not awe-inspiring it just has all the cheesy inspirational quotes squeezed into a solitary song. It sounds exactly like all their other songs, boo that."


Track 11. This Afternoon (4:34) reviewed by Katie H
"While this is not a song I would purchase on Itunes I can see it being
popular in the pop genre. It sounds a lot like a poppy version of "Photograph" with different story but along the same line (if that makes sense). This band confuses me in the way as to what direction and fan base they are going for? The poppy Z100 listeners or true rock and roll lovers? On a scale of 1 - 10 (being the Best) I would rate this a 7."

Some Lo-Jinx At Work

A group of us at Toucan Cleric's Fun try to lift big Dan using that old slumber party trick "Light As a Feather, Stiff As a Board." The major difference between doing it when we were six and doing it now was that we were way lighter then.


Stay tuned in the coming weeks for our sad attempt #2!

Sublime Nonsense #4 or 5, I Forget Which

Click to enlarge:

Sublime Nonsense

As always, click to enlarge:

What They Thinking

A: "Man, there are a lot of keylines here."
B: "Yay, we're only a quarter through these 600 keylines!"
C: "I woke up in the middle of the night dreaming about resizing an out of home board!"
D: "I wonder if I should bring up the fact that there's a typo on every keyline."

Matt S: A Review of the Complete Discography of DragonForce

Editor's Note: EADJ is proud to present a full entry by Toucan Cleric Fun's own Matt S. We look forward to entries like this in the future from this contributing art director!

A Review of the Complete Discography of DragonForce

I used to joke with my old roommates that the surest way to come up with a "hit" TV show, movie, or band would be to combine any Animal, Group Affiliation and/or Number/Letter.

MantisTeam,
CougarSquad,
TigerCorps7,
GiraffeSector9.

And while I thought that conversation was only heard within the walls of our shitty 1.5 bedroom apartment in Murray Hill at the time, apparently our thoughts and ridicule leapt far across the pond to the shores of London.

Out of the ashes of Demoniak comes DragonForce, once almost titled DragonHeart.

That's right, DragonForce.

Not a new sci-fi show on My9. Not a USA Network miniseries.
Not even the new trading card game from the makers of Magic.

It's as if the 12-year-old you used to be, wasting hours away in your basement talking to Dungeon Masters about the best way to barter with orcs and gnomes was a guitar virtuoso.
Who actually lived in a Tolkein fantasy worlds. And believes that Hobbits are real, and Trees can walk.

That is, in essence, DragonForce.
They are the riders of thunderstorms. The dawn-bringers of fire and flames.
The saviors of the fallen. Those fell by Dragons.
In fact, nearly every song in their collection is a quest, a journey through the endless seas of damnation and the vanquishing of the pure from the evil and those with lost souls.

I ask you this: If the lads of DragonForce are riding with the horsemen warriors on long distant shores and always saving the souls of the forgotten through snow and tainted mountains, where do they get rehearsal space? Are their amps and mics on the mountains high?
Can they fill stadiums in the long forgotten wastelands?
And do the roadies for the group also have to walk the lonely road to battle chaos?

Who, may you ask, does the 'Force ride with on their quest of salvation of soul atop the wings of destiny?

Helloween rides with the DragonForce.
W.A.S.P. rides with the DragonForce.
Angra rides with the DragonForce.
Mendeed rides with the DragonForce.
Iron Maiden rides with the DragonForce.
Power Quest rides with the DragonForce.
Shadow Warriors ride with the DragonForce.

That says nothing, and yet everything.


DragonForce, as a musical group, are not simply Bringers of the Burning Starfire. They are talented, pushing your eardrums to submission by pure will and the might of what is right in these dark, evil times.
Amazing harmonies of guitars, complete with bleeding fingers.
And the drummer is amazing. Although he probably died of heart failure right after recording their first track.
So track 2's drummer is also amazing, but died.
Track 3? Great, but then he dies.
Track 4? Great, and dead.

They have 36 songs across 4 albumns. That's a lot of dead drummers.
I wonder if they are kept in a heap at the feet of the Dragon.


Their albumns are thus:

"Valley Of The Damned" (2003)
"Sonic Firestorm" (2004)
"Inhuman Rampage" (2006)
"Ultra Beatdown" (2008)


Those sound like Mortal Kombat III moves, not albums. They are weapons you can purchase online with XBox Live. Those sound like Mortal Kombat III moves, not albums. And I assure you, every album is a fatality. Of your soul.



Some of my favorite songs, not so much for their lyrical prowess, or their musicianship, but only for their titles alone:

Invocation Of The Apocalyptic Evil - The first track on their first album sets the tone for what is about to come. Again and Again.

Disciples of Babylon - I indeed hope to be a disciple of an aincent city destroyed and rebuilt and destroyed again and agian.

Fields of Despair - like the harvest fileds in the Matrix, only for your ears.

Operation Ground and Pound - Like the troop surge, only more successful, because all dragons and evil armies of demons are no more.

Strike of the Ninja - their best song, because it's about a ninja, and possibly the best song EVER. It could not be more ninja. It could try, but it would fail.

And the final track, EPM. Which may stand for Earplugs Please My Goodness, I'm hemmoraging in my soul!



Some of my favorite lyrics:


"On the black wind forever we ride on together
Destroying your evil with freedom our guide
When the master will storm us
He'll stand high before us
Our hearts filled with splendour
Our swords will shine over the light"



"Can't you see the history the suffocating madness
In the land of fallen souls there's nowhere left no place to go
I have traveled far and wide across the wasteland
Still searching for the answers for the right to understand"


"Still we're searching endlessly
Crashing over seven seas
Torturing the winter skies riding over plains of ice
Shadows in the fields of the slain!"


and


"Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohhh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh ohhhh oh oh oh."



These guys are who the Orcs in Lord Of The Rings listen to, even though the Orc leaders have banned their CDs from Middle Earth.

If not for the hilarity of their name, song titles, and lyrics, they should be banned from THIS earth as well.