The Coldest Editing Suite Ever(est)

2nd Story at Toucan Cleric's Fun. Easily the coldest. But perfect for slumber parties.

Joanne Versus The Claw!

An epic, ongoing battle between two bitter rivals. Who will emerge the victor? And who the hell is Victor?

The Biggest "Twilight" Fan

Pictured above, Joanne catches up on her hourly Robert Pattinson news.

Sublime Nonsense 10

Click.

When Life Throws You Nickelback, Make Nickelbackade.

Nickelback's new album "Dark Horse" is out, and we at EADJ decided to review it. But instead of exposing ourselves to all 11 tracks of Chad Kroeger's output, we decided to get individual track reviews from 11 Toucan Cleric's Funsters. Folks were asked to review their respective tracks in three short sentences. Some people don't listen.


Track 1. Something In Your Mouth (3:38) reviewed by Matt S

A haiku:

Singing about whores,
Candlebox can do that too
Tools from Canada.


Track 2. Burn It To The Ground (3:31) reviewed by Larry K
"Kind of disappointing since I usually like Nickelback. Like almost every Nickelback song, it had the requisite lyrics about boozing, women, partying and use of the word "shit" twice, but lacked the sing-along-with-the-radio quality of their older stuff. And at least when Andrew WK does songs about nothing but debauchery, they are fun and only last 1:30. This song was too ordinary to care for 3:31."


Track 3. Gotta Be Somebody (4:13) reviewed by Tom Weingard
"Chad “The Freddy” Kroeger notes mid-song that ‘everyone wants to know they’re not alone.’ I beg to differ, Chad, because I think people DO want to know they’re alone, particularly when they’re taking a dump. I know this one time I was dropping the kids off at the pool and some rapscallion peeked his head over the stall and spat a lugie on top of my head."


Track 4. I'd Come For You (4:22) reviewed by Lorraine
"Despite its potentially sexually charged title, 'I'd come for you' remains in sync with recent Nickelback hits. Following a similar melodic pattern and tune as previous work, the song conveys just how far they would go for the person they love. Sweet and simple, it hits the musical spot without asking the listener to really consider much deep thought behind the lyrics."


Track 5. Next Go Round (3:45) reviewed by Joanne S
"Big fan of the metal influence, especially with the longer intro. I would be troubled by the lyrics until you remember that it's Nickelback and all "rock" bands sing about sex -- either how they're having it, they want more of it, or they are too f*cked up to get it up."


Track 6. Just To Get High (4:02) reviewed by Craig C
"You'd have to be high to like this song about the perils of getting high. This song is perfect to alienate your meth addict fan base. If your a Nickelback fan, please O.D."


Track 7. Never Gonna Be Alone (3:47) reviewed by Barry
"Fact: Nickelback is at their angry best when they want to kick your ass (“Never Again.”) That’s why this miserable attempt at a ballad – an overheated, vapid ode to the importance of stickin’ with your lover – is about as depressing and emasculating as seeing Kimbo Slice appear on “Dancing With The Stars.” However, Mutt Lange’s signature polish, complete with liberal doses of 12-string guitar, will be enough to make this a staple at Gen Y proms next May."


Track 8. Shakin' Hands (3:39) reviewed by Bowen M
"It's amazing. Just amazing. I almost makes me wish I were White Trash."



Track 9. S.E.X. (3:55) reviewed by Beth Stone
"S - So helpful if you need a mnemonic device for spelling your favorite physical activity
E - Evocative of 80s hair metal bands, with a punchy pop beat; one can't help but swing their hair wildly to the opening chords and following melody
X - Xtremely likely this is what Angelina and Brad play while fornicating and roleplaying as their Mr. and Mrs. Smith characters."


Track 10. If Today Was Your Last Day (4:08) reviewed by Brynn
"It sounds like today is his last day. This song is not awe-inspiring it just has all the cheesy inspirational quotes squeezed into a solitary song. It sounds exactly like all their other songs, boo that."


Track 11. This Afternoon (4:34) reviewed by Katie H
"While this is not a song I would purchase on Itunes I can see it being
popular in the pop genre. It sounds a lot like a poppy version of "Photograph" with different story but along the same line (if that makes sense). This band confuses me in the way as to what direction and fan base they are going for? The poppy Z100 listeners or true rock and roll lovers? On a scale of 1 - 10 (being the Best) I would rate this a 7."

Judgment Day.

Larry K judged the Rolly Wrap contest at 4pm yesterday. He evaluated the entries not just on accuracy as was originally planned but on artistic merit and overall presentation.


Entry 1 by Joanne
"Close," Larry commented, "Everyone assumes that spiral." But the process of making a Rolly Wrap, Larry says, involves a little more.



Entry 2 by Brynn
Entry 2 was also close on accuracy but Larry pointed out that a Rolly Wrap is "not open on the ends." He described the bread as not starting out as a wrap, but like pizza dough that they pinch off at the ends ("like a toffee") and then bake, so that it's entirely enclosed. Still, this entry had the "best accuracy for how they make it."


Entry 3 by Tom
"Tortured." Larry K noted how the artist's anger towards a client had the Verizon Test Man inside the wrap, which was one thing, but the toothpick was "gratuitously violent."



Entry 4 by Mike Gambino
"A little ostentatious." Larry likened this entry to a kid he knew in school who could draw a little too well, being courted at 16 to draw Marvel Comics after graduation. He did, however, like the aesthetic choice to go retro with the roller skate instead of a rollerblade.

Entry 5 by Kat
This one surprised Larry. He actually thought this was from a writer because of its crudeness and being the most "3-year old."

Entry 6 by Bowen
"Avant Garde. But just feels so incredibly wrong."
Larry commends the artist for going different ("I appreciate Warholian anarchy") but he couldn't get behind it.

So overall, Larry called the entire contest "an unmitigated failure across the board," but forced to decide, he went with entry #2 for being "closest to how it's actually made." So congratulations, Brynn, come claim your free Rolly Wrap gift bag whenever.

Four True Facts About Matt G and One Lie

• He played Baron Von Trapp in the high school production of "The Sound of Music," but since he couldn't sing, he didn't do a solo of "Edelweiss."

• He's short.

• Earlier this week, he asked me why I haven't filmed him for a "What Matt Thinks" segment, which we now plan to do on Friday.

• He studied a semester abroad at Oxford.

• He once punched a bouncer so hard in the nuts that the guy passed out.

A Bit of Fun

Music: "Bedroom Music" by Best Fwends

Meanwhile, during the conference call...

Meanwhile, During the Conference Call...

Click for the larger, frameable version.

What Dave Levy Lev'd Behind, Part 3

Joanne reads a very special missive.