It's Time Once Again For "Where Are They Now?"

Baltimore Orioles catcher Berry Ticker announced his retirement after taking his team to the playoffs five times and won the American League East in 2020. He plans to run a handmade furniture store in his hometown of Ottumwa, Iowa.

Bitcoin billionaire Chilg Bibim Nangmyung was recently spotted pushing a broom outside a strip mall in Dover, New Hampshire.

After saying goodbye to seven seasons of her show on Nickelodeon, child pop star Cascara Latte has emerged with an all new, "bad girl" look and a new dance album that takes on more grown up themes, such as vaping and living with roommates on your own.

"Fear Is The Pathmark To the Dark Side. Fear Leads To Anger. Anger Leads To Hate. Hate Leads To Suffering."

Personalization

Got this piece of junk mail yesterday:

Although there is no Estoye University, if there were, here is the type of curriculum you could expect there:

• Earth Studies: Why S.H.I.E.L.D.'s 800-Ton Helicarrier Isn't As Green As They Say
• Econ 24: Why the Coinstar at the Supermarket is So Near the Lottery Machine
• Women's Studies 14: She-Ra, She Hulk and She Talks To Angels
• Hobbits 51: Hobbits, Hobbiton, Hobbitses and Hobbits
• Design 93: Why Trajan Pro Is A Worse Font Than Even Comic Sans
• Social Studies 300: How To Reconcile Your Love For Star Wars With Your Love For Star Trek
• French 6: Putain De Con De Pûte
• Seminar: How To Eat A Slice of Pizza Whilst Driving Stick in Cross Town Traffic
• Art 89: Why That Drawing of a Duck/Rabbit Is ALWAYS a Fucking Duck, Period
• Spanish 4: Introducton To French
• History 47: Dave Mustaine's Brief Stint As Lead Guitarist For Metallica (1981-82)
• Music 55: Why 95 South's "Whoot There It Is" Vs. DC Talk's "Whoomp! (There It Is)": Comparison and Contrast


Enrollment begins August 14, Never.

EADJ Presents: How To Eat Green

A lot of people these days are wondering, "how can I still enjoy dining out while still protecting the environment?" No, actually nobody is thinking that except people with OCD and Rosie O' Donnell. Anyways, here are some helpful ways of how you can eat at restaurants but still keep your carbon footprint to a minimum:

• Tell the girl at McDonald's not to wrap your Quarter Pounder in paper and to instead serve it to you from the small of her back.

• Opt for tap water instead of bottled water. And savor the deliciously pathetic look of disappointment in the waiters' faces when you do.

• If you're ordering tater skins at TGI Fridays, could you save some for me?

• Many fine restaurants whiten their tablecloths and napkins using bleach and chemicals that are bad for the environment. Torch those places.

• When ordering food at a diner, ask the waitress if her establishment has "gone green." Study the expression on her face carefully.

• The restaurant Captain D's uses caustic fluorocarbons in their catfish filets that deplete the ozone layer. I'd order the tilapia instead.

• Save your unused paper napkins and utensils so you can slip them into parked cars whose windows were left open a little bit.

• You'll be happy to know that the guys at Subway wash their hands with biodegradable soap before picking their ass and then making your meatball sub.

• If possible, take actress Eva Green out with you to dinner. Maybe you'll get this joke.

• Ask your maitre 'D to stop his earth-killing ways.

• Smith and Wollensky offers a steak that doesn't contribute to releasing methane into the atmosphere. It's called a salad.

• Save paper by not asking for the check.

Well, Lookee Here- Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup!

Well, apparently the EADJ filing system needs improvement, because we just happened upon a folder of enough off brand T.P. photos to rustle together an actual entry. Go figure.


Off Brand Name: Renew
Graphic/Design on Label: Leaves (very telling of the texture)
Type of Sears Tool It Feels Like When Wiping With: Craftsman belt sander


Off Brand Name: Renature Bathroom Tissue (get it?)
Graphic/Design on Label: Maple leaf border surrounding a sketch of a pine tree that looks like it was drawn by someone sticking a Sharpie up their ass.
Which of the Seven Dwarves This T.P. Would Be: Grumpy


Off Brand Name: Genuine Joe Bath Absorbent Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Abstract janitor-looking guy with a red spray bottle(?!?!??!)
Breed of Cat That Would Appreciate This Paper: Cornish Rex


Off Brand Name: 'S' Quality Bathroom Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Big Blue 'S'
Physical Characteristics of Someone After Using This Paper Big Blue 'S'

The Rest Stop Fashion Show!

Off the rack and right off the turnpike, see what the ladies are wearing this season!


Tess and Imelda are "on the go" in a long sleeve tee with yoga pants and a blue sweatshirt with grey sweatpants, courtesy of Big Dogs Clothing!


"What should I order at Starbucks?" Although Carla is indecisive about her caffeine fix, she definitely knows what to wear with a hooded fur-lined jacket from Strawberry: a fanciful license plate-themed PJ bottom from Old Navy!


Buying a commemorative penny for your son from a vending machine doesn't have to be a chore anymore, thanks to a comfy pink sweater with fanciful waist fringe and velour pants from Fingerhut!


A white jacket with black dorsal striping from North Face goes well with plaid PJ bottoms and polka dot rain boots from JC Penney, n'est ce pas? C'est vraiment magnifique!


The right ensemble makes a statement. And a black Columbia fleece coat with black sweatpants with anatomically-incorrect paw prints on the rear says, "A miniature cartoon lion pushed me out of his den!"


L-iiimber up, girls! Jenny stretches the boundaries of chic in a grey hoodie from Target, some Ugg boots, and black sweatpants from her mother's boyfriend's dresser. Ana goes outdoorsy in a white vest from Target, black leggings from Forever 21, and black boots from Jenny's mother's boyfriend's dresser.


No amount of cold can freeze out femininity! Rhonda defies the winter in a Peruvian hat, snowflake decorated red coat from Burlington Coat Factory, a Dress Barn dress over blue sweatpants, and a pair of Keds. And it looks like she's caught the eye of black R2D2!


"Turkey or ham?" Whilst considering her pre-made sandwich options, Donna bundles up in a North Face vest over a black hoodie over a white hoodie, both from Aeropostale.


Everyone loves a circus, and Michelle Litos takes center ring for the crowd in a checkered hoodie from God-knows-where and a snowflake-patterned pajama bottom from hell-if-I-know.

New EADJ Segment: Tom Weingard's Search For a Decent Cheesesteak In NYC

It's not easy being a Philly native in New York City. Especially if you're hungry.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Shoot a Free Throw in Basketball

Balance yourself at the free throw line. Keep your feet shoulder-width apart and parallel to one another. Hold the ball by using the hand of your nonshooting arm to support and cradle it lightly. Place the middle three fingers of your shooting hand on the seams of the ball, with your thumb and palm acting as supports. (Keep your shooting forearm straight, and avoid tilting it to one side. Try to keep the arm that will be releasing the ball oriented toward the basket.)

Aim for a target just above the rim, and try not to shoot the ball short. A good target is the backboard shooting square drawn above the rim. Bend your knees. An accurate shot doesn't rely on arm strength; it uses leg strength to propel the shooter upward.

Shoot in one fluid motion, straightening your knees to strengthen the shot and your arm to provide aim. Release the ball with your fingertips. This allows you more control over your shot and a softer arc because of the backspin you create.

Finally, follow through by bending your shooting hand forward, as though you're reaching for the rim.

And speaking of reaching, when riding in my town car, I understand that if you're a prom kid or if you've never been in a limo before, you're going to like standing up with your head out of the sunroof and wave your arms in the air– everybody likes to do that. But when you start acting like a jerk by throwing my drinking glasses at cars or trying to moon people, that's when I slam on the breaks and tell you you're not getting your deposit back. Consider yourself warned, kids.

A True Story

Barry, a guy I've known since Portfolio School in Atlanta, who also happens to live two blocks down from me AND is a co-worker one floor from me (Jeez, back OFF man) was recently given the green light by his allergist that he could eat mollusks. So last weekend he enjoyed some, but within a couple of hours, he was already feeling queasy.


Barry turned to the Internet and Googled the phrase "i get sick every time I eat mollusks," and sure enough, the twentieth entry was EAT A DICK JOEL!


Eat A Dick Joel has decided to award Barry the Jade Mollusk Award for coming across EADJ totally randomly by using a phrase with "mollusk" in it. Barry's new award is at the bottom of this page. Congrats, Barry! Put this on your resume!